


Invictus

by innermostenergon



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Acute Stress Reaction, Awkward Flirting, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Trauma, Eventual Smut, Flashbacks, I promise it's there, M/M, PTSD, Sexual Content, Shock, Slow Burn, bottom!SS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-15 22:48:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 62,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5803324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innermostenergon/pseuds/innermostenergon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vincent Lockwood, a sarcastic ex-Navy man, staggers onto a broken land, leaving a corpse and a ghost behind in the Vault. Soon he falls in love with the Brotherhood of Steel and it's ideals - and most of all, the Paladin that brought him into the loving arms of the Brotherhood.<br/>We all know the basic story, but this is Vincent Lockwood's - he suffers some heavy loss and I tried to make it a little more realistic. This includes serious injuries, psychological shock, and PTSD. But Danse is always there, steadfast and unafraid. It's a slow burn, but it gets very fluffy and smutty, later. (ch8 & 10 for you sinners.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost, but Maybe Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

> The story follows my Sole Survivor's journey to Shaun, and eventually to a point where he can finally recover. Chapters will be posted as they're finished and polished. Not beta'd. Feel free to inform me of any serious errors or missing images, or any tags you think I should add.

Here's an image of Vincent as he appears in the early chapters of the story;

So this is what the world had become. I had been afraid - for myself, and my family. Everyone was afraid of the war, and what it meant. When Nora was pregnant, we watched from our front door as soldiers marched warheads through the streets. Subtlety was not the military's strong suit, and everyone knew why. Things were bad. Very, very bad. The reds were winning. We'd often talked about what might happen, what might become of the world if either 'side' won. None of it was very optimistic.  
But I could not have even begun to imagine the devastation. Everywhere I looked, rusted, dilapidated cars spanned the road I walked down. Even the road itself was demolished- less from the bomb and more from 200 years of neglect and abuse, I guess. The chunks of tarmac were missing completely in some places and I didn't know if I was following the highway or some other lane of rubble. Which almost sums up my entire situation. Confused, lost, and alone.  
I'm Vincent Lockwood, 52 years of age, silver hair -silver, not gray, thank you-, a beard in the style Nora liked to call 'survivalist', pale blue eyes, vitiligo marking the left half of my face with white splotches blending the scarring over my eye, lips, and nose. I was hit with shrapnel from an unfortunate Humvee hit by mortar fire fighting in the Navy some years back, which left me scarred and nearly disfigured me if it weren't for a kind medic that refused to give up. Him and plenty of bourbon.  
Going from clean air and a cryogenically sealed pod to 200 year old nuclear fallout wreaks havoc on your sinuses, so I've been sporting a blue bandana some kid named Sturges gave me around my mouth. Preston was nice enough to lend me some more wasteland suitable clothes than that stupid vault suit, so I don't look as much like a big blue dumbass staggering around the wastes. They aren't great, some pale gray jeans and a dirty white belted coat with some rags as a scarf, but that's fine. I guess my preferences for finer dress will lower the longer I'm stuck in this wasteland.  
I managed to salvage a pathetic 10mm pistol and about a hundred or so rounds from the Vault, but I have a hard time hitting radroaches with it - hopefully feral Ghouls or whatever he called them are easier to hit, if they're as common as he made them sound. And raiders apparently, which are...a thing, now. Ugh. What the fuck am I doing? Just wandering towards a city some drugged out old lady told me about that _may or may not_ exist? It's the only chance I have to even begin trying to find my son - oh, god, my fucking son. Just a day or so ago I was playing with him in his crib, Nora and I as peacefully in love as any young couple in Massachusetts...  
And now we're 200 years in the future, and with everything that's going on...how do you even _begin_ to cope with this?  
I stop walking as the tears overwhelm my sight. I sit for a moment to gather my senses, overcome with grief. She's dead. She's fucking dead, my beautiful wife is dead and our infant son gone. I have no idea what's out here, and all I have to protect myself is some leather padding, my vault suit, and a 10mm pistol that would have taken out a normal human fine but takes five rounds to put down a Raider. Now every time I step into a puddle of water the Geiger counter on my Pip-boy goes apeshit. And now it's picking up a radio signal? Does radio even exist in...what year is it, 2278? It says it's Military Frequency AF95. Military?  
_"-automated message repeating- This is Scribe Haylen of reconnaissance squad Gladius to any unit in transmission range. Authorization -arks - pharaoh - nine - five. Our unit has sustained casualties, and we're running low on supplies. We are requesting support or evac from our position at Cambridge Police Station. "_  
Cambridge Police Station? I remember where that is. They must be in trouble, I have to get there, now. I'll be damned if I let these people die when I could have helped, Apocalypse or not. Nora would want me to help. I start sprinting so hard the muscles in my legs feel like they're burning, weaving through buildings and leaping over rubble. I pick up the sound of gunfire in the distance, getting louder and clearer as I near the station. I stumble over some rubble from the alley into the front of the police station. There's a barricade to the main street - a metal wall barricade, with steps up either side and a walkway spanning it's inner length. A woman and a wounded man lay by the door of the station and a man in power armor is barking orders.  
"Civilian in the perimeter! Check your fire!"  
Civilian? The military still exists 200 years into the future? Maybe they're mercenaries? Those have to exist in a wasteland, right?  
My confusion is broken as something staggers from the street, followed by 5 more. Oh, god, what the fuck? They look like badly burned humans - their skin is taut, wrinkled like rotting tomato skin, but pale white. Their faces are disfigured, their noses are just missing entirely, and the smell of them makes me sick. They're fucking vicious - three of them descend on the man in the power armor and two more run towards me. I start firing rounds and it takes 10 shots to the head to drop one of these things. What human withstands 10 rounds to the fucking head? The second one reaches me and rams it's entire body into me, full force. I hit the ground and pain blossoms around my skull, my head bouncing off the pavement. All I see is stars. When my vision returns, the girl has taken the thing out before it could - eat me or whatever it was planning to do. The man in the power armor is tough as nails, and he's already taken the three out by the time I'm back on my feet. He leans on a knee to rest while more ferals stagger down from the street, drawn by the noise.  
I check my clip and look around. There must be 40 bodies, maybe more, littering the street and the surrounding barricade. How long have these people been waiting for assistance? The wave arrives and there are maybe 10 more now. I climb up the barricade just to eliminate the possibility of being rammed into from the side, and even after taking a few ferals out in front of me, some figure out there's another staircase and try from behind. I leap off the barricade and the man in the power armor throws a grenade, blowing the hell out of the ferals on the barricade. Everything falls into silence as we wait for more ferals to show up, and when it's silent for almost a minute the man in the power armor gets to his feet, checks on his comrades and turns to me.  
"We appreciate the assistance, civilian. But what's your business here?"  
Just like the military. Brief formalities and straight to business. I don't even know what to tell him. Yeah, sir, I'm a clueless pre-nuke popscile staggering towards a city that might exist trying to find my kidnapped infant son. I heard your radio distress call and ran to help even though I can barely hit a giant cockroach and all I have is this peashooter.  
"Pest exterminator. I heard you had a... Feral problem?"  
"Evading my questions is a surefire way of getting yourself ejected from the compound. Are you from a local settlement?"  
"Do all these questions really matter? After all, I helped you fight those ferals."  
"You make a fair point." Nailed it. "If I appear suspicious, it's because our mission here has been difficult. Since the moment we arrived in the Commonwealth, we've been constantly under fire. If you want to continue pitching in, we could use an extra gun on our side. "  
It might be worth it to help these people some more - and it gives me a big chance to learn a lot more about this strange, awful new world I've been thrown into. But I still don't want to leap blindly into something that could very well get me killed. "I want to help but I don't like the secrecy. Who are you, really?"  
"Very well. I'm Paladin Danse, Brotherhood of Steel. Over there is Scribe Haylen and Knight Rhys." Danse goes on to explain their situation, and the girl mentions something about a transmitter on top of the police station. Danse turns back to me and tells me all about Arcjet and some other shit I can't understand right now. I'm still stuck on his last sentence. I try to word it delicately.  
"Who the hell are the Brotherhood of Steel?" Paladin Danse winces a little, perhaps a little offended, but overall unsurprised at my reaction.  
"Our order seeks to understand the nature of technology. It's power. It's meaning to us as humans. And we fight to secure that power from those who would abuse it."  
"How did mankind...abuse technology?"  
"Before the Great War, science and technology became more of a burden than a benefit. The atom bomb, bio-engineered plagues and FEV are clear examples of the horrors that technological advancement had wrought. We're here to make sure that never happens again." I look around me, to the devastated wasteland, rubble of dilapidated buildings and the irradiated corpses of deformed and mutated humans - my eyes catch the distorted features of a dead Ghoul, it's face baking in the midday sun, streaked with blood and it's mouth open as though it was screaming still. My nose burns under the bandana from the smell of hot gunmetal, that distinct ozone smell from laser fire, the stink of burning and rotting flesh, and blood. Blood everywhere. My heart jumps into my throat when the images of what this place looked like the other day flash through my mind. I feel my stomach twisting into knots and I feel a nauseous fear creep up on me. Paladin Danse seems to have noticed the look I must have had on my face. He puts a hand on my shoulder and talks softly.  
"So, what do you say? Will you help us?"  
This man was clearly born to be a leader. Right now I don't want to do anything but help him, even if it isn't directly leading me to my son - but I'm no good to Shaun dead, and I need to find out more about the wasteland. Besides, I'm used to military protocol, and I think I may be able to fit into a militaristic group. Their ideals sound almost too good to be true.  
"No time to waste. Let's get moving."  
"Outstanding. Haylen, take Rhys inside and bind his wounds."  
"Yes, sir!"  
"Rhys, once you're on your feet, I want you to make certain that the perimeter is secure. "  
"I'm on it."  
"All right, civilian, it's time to prove your worth. Head into the police station and resupply yourself, then let me know when you're ready to begin."  
Paladin Danse unlocks and heads into the station, and I make sure to hold the door open for Haylen and Rhys. Rhys gives me a look like he would rather break the door over my head. What the hell did I do to that guy?  
"What are you just standing around for!? Paladin Danse is waiting for you!"  
"Rhys, be nice! He was holding the door open for us. Chivalry. Heard of it?" Rhys grumbles, clearly not having meant to upset Scribe Haylen.  
"If it makes you feel any better, I was holding the door open so the lady didn't have to carry you and open the door by herself. Say, was it your charming attitude that got you wounded, or the firefight?"  
Paladin Danse in the other room clears his throat - loudly - and I can tell that kind of banter is unwanted. Fair enough. I head inside and watch Paladin Danse carefully as I proceed to restock, not wanting to overstep my boundaries and look like a raider - I put the 10mm down and pick up a combat shotgun hiding away in a tool bag. "Jackpot!"  
"A fan of short range ballistics?" Danse says, gathering fusion cells for his laser rifle. "Hell yeah, Sir. I'm not a great shot long-range, and short range doesn't give you much time to avoid return fire, so close and powerful is where it's at." I grab a few boxes of ammunition and an ammo carrier for my belt. I stuff the pouch full of shells and put some stimpaks in another pouch on my belt. I look at a strange bag of liquid - it looks like an IV bag and it has 'RAD-AWAY' written on the front of it in permanent marker. What the fuck is rad-away doing in a police station? I remember it being used in absolute emergencies in case of heavy radiation exposure from fusion cores or stepping too close to the glass separating reactor cores from civilian viewing areas. Is this a common thing, now? Paladin Danse once again seems to notice the face I must have been making. "If you need to use the rad-away, civilian, be my guest. I have already given you permission to resupply."  
"It's not that, I just...I'm not...you could say I'm not from here, exactly. I didn't know rad-away was an everyday thing. I guess it doesn't surprise me, though."  
The Paladin looks at me curiously but holds his tongue. He clearly has questions, but he's focused on getting to that transmitter he needs. I should hurry up, then. I stuff a couple bags of rad-away in my pouch, and spot a small duffel bag on the floor full of military ration purified water. My mouth goes completely dry once I remember I haven't had a sip of water since I chugged it from a fountain before leaving the Vault. After that it's been hours of wandering around the filthy wasteland. I grab one of them and crack the top open, chugging at least half of the ration before sealing it back up and placing it at my hip on the belt. "Paladin Danse." His name feels weird on my tongue. I never thought I would be calling someone 'paladin'. "Are you ready to move out?"  
"Ready."  
"Outstanding. Follow me, and try not to lag behind." He picks up his T-60 power armor helmet and tosses it into the air, making it do a flip before he catches it, and then slides it onto the torso of the suit. I don't know if he wants to impress me, or if he's just impressive. "I highly doubt I'll be the one lagging sir - you're in Power Armor and I don't have anything weighing me down."  
Paladin Danse leaves out the door, shutting it behind him. Damn, he's fast. I didn't even have time to strap on my shotgun and follow him before the door closed. I pushed and pushed on the door but it seemed to be stuck. "It's a pull door, dumbass." Knight Rhys felt kind enough to tell me. Asshole. I glared at him and pulled the door open, sprinting after Paladin Danse to catch up. My ears felt hot and I was embarrassed. Damn it. "We'll take this alley. Follow me."  
As I ran behind Danse, I felt comforted having someone in Power Armor, fully trained and ready, there to back me up in any skirmish we may get into. I may be stuck in this wasteland but I'm sure as hell not used to it. Going from white picket fences and perfect-temperature coffee to a warzone fighting for my life is jarring, to say the least. My main concern, beyond finding Shaun, is finding out how to live in this nuclear hellhole. And if the Brotherhood of Steel is the key to surviving, so be it.  
Danse fills me in on their current situation and I stayed silent, quietly grateful for the additional information. I can see trouble up ahead - an animal of some kind falls at the sound of a gunshot, and a man yells as he's shot, too. Shit. Probably raiders. "Hold up." Paladin Danse puts his arm out in front of me, signaling me to stay behind him. The protective gesture doesn't go unappreciated. Danse begins to fire with his laser rifle, and I lean around him firing shots at raiders that get too close with my shotgun. The few raiders are dead, and we start down the road again until I catch sight of that pack animal that was shot down. I gasp in shock and back up away from it, and Paladin Danse turns around to see why I stopped following.  
The pack animal - I thought it was a horse or something but it's a cow- it's skin is tattered with welts and boils, the whole thing a sickly red color. I can see it's ribs and sinew through the tightly-wrapped skin, and it's veins are black where I can see them. The udder is sagging and distorted in shape - almost chunky, for some reason, like it's got something in it besides milk. The eyes are black and murky -growing more pale as it dies away. Above all that though, above all that - it's got two fucking heads. What the hell is this thing?  
"Is something wrong, civilian?"  
"That- what the fuck is that? Is that caused by radiation? Are there more of those things?" My voice cracks in panic and I internally chide myself.  
"The Brahmin? It's a creature mutated by the wastes and the radiation, used as pack animals by traders and caravanners, and often for food. They're very common, both here and in the Capital Wasteland."  
I figured it was a singular freak occurrence, but I guess not. 200 years of evolution to adapt to the wastes - I keep forgetting that. Two hundred years. I tear my eyes away from the carcass of this pathetic creature and continue with Danse down the road. When we finally reached Arcjet, we walked through the destroyed front office through the only available open doorway. "Look at these wrecks. It appears as though the facility's automated security has already been dealt with." I looked around the room at several Securitrons and a turret system above my head.  
"Good. Less security to worry about."  
"Negative. There's nothing good about it. Look at the evidence. There isn't a single spent ammunition casing or drop of blood in sight. These robots were assaulted by Institute synths." Awesome. More stuff I know nothing about.  
Danse gives me a brief explanation and tells me he'll explain it in more detail when we have time to ourselves. I look at his thick beard and those bright chestnut eyes staring into my soul and a small part of me can't wait to have more time with him. And then the rest of my brain catches up and I feel sick with myself. Nora died maybe half a day ago. What the fuck is wrong with you Vincent?  
We head into the second room, and we're through another level before we have a chance to hear ourselves think over the noise of laser fire and Synth complaints. Who builds advanced humanoid assault robots just for them to tell you you're damaging Institute property while you blow them up? Whoever designed these things is an idiot. Like anybody is going to listen if they're past the point of pacification and a shootout has begun.  
We round a few corners and Danse stops, causing me to ram into the back of his suit. He doesn't seem bothered in the least. "Engine core's ahead. Should be our final stop. Watch your footing. Looks like the power's out in this section, and I'm the only one with a flashlight. Try to keep up."  
I hold a button down on my Pip-boy as the screen brightens considerably, lighting my way. Danse has the courtesy to turn his headlamp off as he turns to look at me, then turns it back on as he descends some stairs into the atrium. "Look at this place...Scribes would have a field day in here." Yeah, buddy, you should have seen it 200 years ago. I didn't personally see it - I was more into collecting magazines and doing house remodeling than studying science - but I bet it was a hell of a lot better than this. Probably.  
"The transmitter should be in the control room at the top of the core but it looks like the elevators are dead. We'll have to keep heading down for now and find a way to get the facility's power back online." Danse is walking slow and deliberately, avoiding the enormous holes rusted through the walkway. The very next step, I fall right through one, and my leg gets a nice gash from the splintered metal. Great. Tetanus. Fun.  
Paladin Danse turns, this time keeping his blindingly bright headlamp on, and grabs my hand to lift me back out. I hobble down the staircase a little and sit at the bottom to inject a stimpak. It should stop the bleeding and heal it up pretty quick. Paladin Danse checks our exit and looks around him. "There has to be a power backup system somewhere. Scout the maintenance area off the main chamber when you're finished. I'll remain here and watch our backs." I was actually hoping he would say that - until the stimpak works it's magic in the next few minutes, I don't think I'll be very much help if a horde of those synths staggers down the walkway with more shock batons and laser rifles. Next they'll be coming out of the fucking ceiling.  
I wander into the maintenance area and take slightly longer than absolutely necessary to hack the thing open to give my leg a little time to heal. I start up the auxiliary generators and the whole place lights up.  
"Engine Core power restored. Thermal Engine fueled, primed and standing by for your command." A big shiny red button lights up by the viewing window just as I hear Paladin Danse scream "AMBUSH!" and synths start falling from the fucking ceiling. I would love to press this button and help by burning the Synths out of the chamber, but Paladin Danse is standing directly underneath it. I run around the corner to scream and warn him to move out of the way but I can barely hear me over the sound of the facility, the engine, and the damn Synths. I hate these things already. I pull out the shotgun and hammer shot after shot into the synths, mostly trying to keep them off Paladin Danse's back. More and more just keep pouring in, and we're both pushed back into the maintenance area. There's no other choice, now. I run back and press the button, and as soon as Danse hears the test fire countdown he sprints into the hallway and the engine goes off. The sheer force is deafening as searing hot air blasts through the corner at us, and the mob of synths in the test fire area are melted to the floor. The only sound after that was the sound of Danse's heavy breathing from the heat and the battle.  
"Test firing completed with an efficiency rating of 96.7 percent." I open my mouth to commend a job well done and Danse speaks before I can. "We're fortunate that the rocket engine fired instead of blowing itself apart." Oops. I didn't even think of the possibility. What an idiot. I could have gotten us both killed. I'm surprised he didn't sound more angry with me.  
"Paladin Danse...?"  
"Enough chatter. We've got a job to do." He stares at me, and I sigh as I take point and head to the elevator. CO's. The floor is hot ash and it burns my boots. I sprint across the area into the elevator, careful not to ruin them. It's not like I can pick another pair out of my closet. I hop into the elevator by the buttons as Paladin Danse walks in, practically smashing me against the wall. It's a small elevator and he's in a full suit of Power Armor. Way to make an awkward, post-near-death elevator ride more awkward. I wince and try to crack a joke. "You know, crimes committed on elevators are wrong on so many levels." I wait to hear a laugh, or a sigh, or even the slightest chuckle. Danse is completely silent.  
We retrieve the transmitter from some synths in the last room and take the service elevator to the surface. We jog a short time until we reach outdoors. It's nightfall and the world is bathed in black. The stars are obscenely bright - no cities to produce light pollution will do that. I'm stunned into silence a moment, staring at the sky. It seems to be the one thing kept beautiful in a world so gray. Danse's voice breaks me of my reverie. "Well, that could have gone smoother, but mission accomplished. "  
"I..thought we worked well as a team."  
"Agreed. It's a refreshing change to work with a civilian who can follow orders properly. That being said, I believe we have two important matters to discuss. First and foremost, if you'll hand me the Deep Range Transmitter, I'd like to compensate you for your assistance during this operation." I hand over the Transmitter and he hands me...bottlecaps? Nuka-cola bottlecaps? At least a hundred of them - and a laser rifle. "I think you'll find this weapon useful. It's my own personal modification of the standard Brotherhood Laser Rifle. May it serve you well in battle."  
"Thank you!"  
"You're welcome, Civilian. Now, as far as the second matter goes, I wanted to make you a proposal. We had a lot thrown at us back there. Our op could have ended in disaster, but you kept your cool and handled it like a soldier. There's no doubt in my mind that you've got what it takes. The way I see it, you've got a choice. You could spend the rest of your life wandering from place to place, trading an extra hand for a meager reward. Or you could join the Brotherhood of Steel and make your mark on the world. So what do you say? Are you willing to lend the Brotherhood of Steel a hand?"  
He seems to be under the impression I'm a mercenary. I guess I've given him no evidence to the contrary, with a somewhat obvious military training history and what the world seems to be like today. Potentially, joining the Brotherhood could mean finding my son a lot quicker - and surviving long enough to see it through. But again, potentially it could mean being so swamped with work for the Brotherhood I have no time to search for Shaun.  
"What would be expected of me if I joined?"  
"You'd be under my command, and I'd expect you to follow orders. No more mercenary work...this is the real thing. You'd have access to advanced military weapons, as well as your own personal suit of Power Armor. More importantly, you'd have the Brotherhood at your back...ready to spill its own blood to keep you alive. Offer still stands. Can we count on you?"  
If I could be lent resources by the Brotherhood, there's no shortage of time I would save trying to learn how to stay alive and acquire the equipment to keep me that way. "I'd be honored to join."  
"That's what I wanted to hear."


	2. Relic of the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning: torture, injury. Also, Dogmeat is cute and I love him.

Danse and I made our way back to the police station. It was nightfall, so we chose to walk back instead of sprinting - the noise his armor would make running at top speed would attract far too much unwanted attention. I gripped the bag of bottlecaps and boredly picked through them, sorting regular from Cherry.  
"Counting? I'll spare you the trouble. There are a hundred and five."  
"Why, anyway? What's the use of bottlecaps?" Danse stopped walking and just stared at me. "Where are you from, civilian? You're not from anywhere I have ever heard of."  
"Is it that obvious?" I sighed and sat on a bus stop bench nearby, taking a boot off to shake rocks out of it. Danse stood, keeping an eye out. "I'm-...it's really hard to explain. I guess if you're going to be my commanding officer you should know, though. I'm from Vault 111."  
Danse's eyes widened considerably. He looked reasonably shocked. "You're a vault dweller? That would...explain some things. Thank you for being honest. Not a lot of people are these days."  
"That's not even the end of it. I'm...my name is Vincent Lockwood, sir. I'm...252."  
"But..that's impossible. You're not a ghoul. Are you a synth of some kind?"  
"No, definitely not - actually completely untouched by radiation. I was a Vault dweller from before the war. I was in my house having coffee when the bombs started dropping on New York and Pennsylvania." I regaled my tale to Danse. From the screaming as the Vault doors closed above us, the heat and radiation making me feel sick as we descended, all the way through my wife's murder.  
I got so quiet Paladin Danse leaned closer to be able to hear. "I must...I must have sat there for hours, just holding her. Promising her I would find Shaun. I would bring him back to us. The ground was wet from some of the other pods defrosting, and it was freezing in there, but I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want to believe what was happening. I cried so hard Danse - I've never cried that hard in my entire life. Not when my father died, not when my son was born."  
Danse was quiet, clearly not having been prepared to hear all of this about the soldier he'd just taken in. I felt tears well in my eyes and my throat felt as though someone had stepped on it. It wasn't even a day later. But at the same time, two hundred fucking years later.  
"I hope this doesn't affect my standing with the Brotherhood of Steel."  
"No. We receive a lot of people with their own agendas and problems. As long as it doesn't interfere with your duty, you'll do fine." Danse gripped my shoulder and jerked his head towards the road, quietly insisting for us to keep moving. I put my boots back on and head out again. It's silent for a few more minutes as I composed myself. I felt like a damn fool.  
"It's money."  
"Sorry?"  
"The bottlecaps. In the wasteland, we use them as currency."  
"Oh. So you actually paid me for my work. Thank you. I don't...have any money, obviously. I mean I did, but...not anymore. Does anyone still take paper money?"  
"I'm not even sure where to find paper money, anymore. Most of it is ruined. Pre-war money is only considered valuable as a relic of the past."  
"Oh."

* * *

  
I take a deep breath through my nose and finally think my lungs are getting used to the dust in the air. And then I start sneezing so hard I think my eyeball is going to pop out. I made my way straight over here after receiving my new rank from Danse and my assignment from Scribe Haylen. And it appears Lady Luck is smiling on me. Sort of. It turns out the location Scribe Haylen wants me to recover an artifact from is farther than Diamond City is, and I requested permission from Paladin Danse to restock here. I guess I should have guessed by diamond they meant baseball. Turns out my favourite stadium is now a shantytown. They've made crude constructs out of wood, steel and trash. And it's a fully functioning town - they have shops, apparently a restaurant according to Danny at the gates, a doctor, and even a barber.  
I hear a robot speaking Japanese and spot a dumpy looking outdoor kitchen without any walls beyond some bar counters. The health board 200 years earlier would have had a heart attack. This is what they call a restaurant?  
"Nani shimasu-ka?"  
"Do yourself a favor and just say yes. It's all he understands." A resident tells me as she eats noodles. I love noodles. At least noodles still exist. Does the robot sell noodles?  
"Nani shimasu-ka?"  
"Is that really all he says? Hey, Robot. What's your name?"  
"Nani shimasu-ka?"  
"Tell me a joke."  
"Nani shimasu-ka?"  
"In the dining room with a tire iron."  
"Nani shimasu-ka?"  
"The best thing about radiation is it's not going to mutate my pet rock!"  
"Nani shimasu-ka?"  
"Maybe."  
"Nani shimasu-ka?"  
"Fine, you're no fun. Yes."  
The robot spoons some noodles into a bowl. They smell amazing and my stomach growls. I look forlornly as the robot seeks payment for the meal first, and then I remember the bottle caps Paladin Danse gave me. The robot takes out what he needs and places my noodles upon the bar counter. Sweet success.  
I guess I shouldn't be so surprised to hear flimsy paper was abandoned in favor of metal bottle caps - Nuka-Cola made so many bottles. Nora loved Nuka-Cola and told me every single time we went to the Super-Duper Mart to pick up some; "It's the end of the world when you can't find any Nuka-Cola." Well, baby, you were wrong. It's the end of the world and Nuka-Cola is still here. It's just you that's gone.  
I fight back tears at the thought of my wife and muster up the courage to stand. I finish off my noodles and continue with some vague direction towards Valentine Detective Agency.

* * *

  
"Ellie? Are you here?"  
"Nick! Oh my god, it's you!"  
I made it through Diamond City and had already gotten acquainted with the people I needed to be, I suppose - the Mayor, the press, the barber, the noodle guy, the crazy lady with the snacks, and the guy who sells the boom-sticks. Awesome. Now, I was back on track, and I had rescued Nick Valentine - _a kind-hearted synth_ of all things - from Skinny Malone. Turns out noir-type gangsters aren't out of fad 200 years later.  
I can't recall exactly how many people I had killed in that vault. I don't know what this place is turning me into - or if it was in me the whole time and I was simply wasting my life and _murder talent_ doing home repairs and construction work. I swore I wouldn't end another life when I left the military unless I absolutely had to - and I had to, believe me, they were trying to fill me with bullets - but _so many corpses._ One man choked on his own blood as I stood over his body and watched. Skinny Malone himself was spared - I managed to convince his girlfriend to leave him back to her father, and for some reason and some wise words from Nick, he let us leave.  
On the way back I met Dogmeat again. Sturges had left on a supply run to Diamond City and took Dogmeat with him in case he found me. I originally left Dogmeat at Sanctuary to keep him safe, and I made sure to tell Sturges as much - but still. It was comforting to have this sweet dog beside me. He felt...normal. It was nice to touch an animal that wasn't...deformed. His fur felt nice on my hand, as dirty as it was.  
Now Nick and I were back at his office to talk business and I couldn't be happier to be back on track towards finding my son. Hopefully this synth can help me find him - he doesn't seem to be like the synths I found at ArcJet. I have my shotgun in my hand, ready at all times, though. I don't know who or what to trust yet.  
Ellie and Nick finished their banter, and as Nick went to take a seat at his desk, Ellie turned to me. "You saved Nick, his agency, and my job. Thank you."  
"Metal Detective Delivery, at your service."  
"Happy to be in a niche market, that's for sure. Here. I know you insisted that you weren't a hired gun in it for the money before you went out to find him, but you deserve a reward. Plus a little something extra." She hands me an old fedora and some more bottlecaps. At least this will pay for some shotgun shells and some more food. "You know, if you're looking for honest work, and don't mind putting on the detective hat, Nick sure could use a new partner..."  
Nick stiffens at his desk. "Whoa, one case a time, Ellie. Our new friend needs our help, first. Let's get down to business. Take a seat, make yourself comfortable." I hear Ellie go "oh!" and grab a clipboard, standing dutifully at Nick's side as I sit. "When you're trying to find someone who's gone missing, the devil is in the details. Tell me everything you can, no matter how..painful it might be." Dogmeat whines and puts his head in my lap. I run my fingers through his fur and play with his ears as I speak. It's a small comfort, but it keeps me grounded.  
Nick and I go over the details of my tragedy. I keep my lunch down, despite how sick and angry I feel about everything. I keep...staring at a painting of a moose behind Nick. Everything is so different now. I feel like I've been reborn in a whole new world, but I'm 52 and everyone expects me to act like it, but I don't even know how the world works anymore.  
After about an hour of talking about it, Nick having to explain pretty much every aspect of our conversation to me as we go along, we finally reach a conclusion of some sort.  
"That leaves the Institute, honestly. Do you think they're responsible?" I don't notice I'm gripping the arm of the chair until Dogmeat moves to sit in front of me, nestling his head between my knees so I can get at his ears with both of my hands. What a good boy. "Well, they're the boogeyman of the Commonwealth. Something goes wrong, everyone blames them. Easy to see why. Those early model synths of theirs strip whole towns for parts, killing everything in their way. Then you got the newer models, good as human, that infiltrate cities and pull strings from the shadows. Worst of all, no one knows why they do it, what their plan is, or where they are. Not even me, and I'm a synth myself. A discarded prototype, anyway."  
I've barely been here a day and I already hate the Institute and their damn synths. Isn't the world bad enough without this crap? Them and the raiders, I swear to god. The world's already been to Hell and now it's stewing in it. Still, no wonder Nick was so different from the others. He seems like a good man - no wonder they threw him away. Such a despicable, awful organization has no use for a machine with a heart. I shouldn't trust him so immediately, but he has a fucking detective agency to help people find their missing loved ones that the organization responsible for his very existence doubtlessly caused - how can I not at least put some faith in him? I put my shotgun away.  
"Either way, I need to find Shaun. He's...all I have left. Everything."  
"You're right. Let's refocus. What did these kidnappers look like?"  
"One of them...came right up to me. Said something about a 'backup'. Bald head, scar across his left eye. Ugly piece of shit." Nick stiffened in his seat again as his eyes went wide. Ellie seemed to have a similar reaction as she began flipping through folders in the file cabinet behind her. "Wait. It couldn't be...You didn't hear the name 'Kellogg' at all, did you?"  
"No, I - they never said any name. "  
Nick's brows furrowed and he looked at Ellie. "It's way too big of a coincidence. Ellie, what notes do we have about the Kellogg case?"  
"The description matches. Bald head, scar, reputation for dangerous mercenary work, but...no one knows who his employer is. He bought a house here in town, didn't he? And he had a kid with him?" Ellie flips through another few papers and I can't help but feel a pang in my chest. A kid, not an infant? How long was I out after Nora was murdered? Jesus christ, I hope it wasn't that long. It didn't even occur to me that I was frozen again for longer than a few minutes.  
"Yeah, that's right! The house was in the abandoned West stands. The boy with him was around ten years old." Ten? I didn't want to even think of the possibility. Maybe it could be Shaun, maybe it wasn't, but if this asshole was in the business of kidnapping people's children, I wanted to help them, too. After all, I have been hearing all over the place about kidnapped people. Piper made a point to mention the kidnappings when I first entered Diamond City. "Maybe it's another kidnapped kid."  
"Either that or he's got a son of his own. Not a comforting thought in any case. Both of them vanished a while ago, haven't been heard or seen from since. Let's you and I take a walk over to Kellogg's last known address. See if we can snoop out where he went." Dogmeat backed away from my lap and gave Ellie a nice goodbye through licks to her face. She seemed surprised he was so...healthy, and friendly, and snuck him a piece of food from a jar on Nick's desk while I had my back turned. I followed Nick out the door and down the street.  
"I didn't want Ellie to hear about this, but I think you should know. Everything I dug up about Kellogg before his disappearance is bad news. He's more than just a mercenary. He's a professional. Quick, clean, thorough. Has no enemies, because they're all dead. Except you." When we reached the top of the staircase, the rest of Nick's speech drowned out as I looked over the horizon of the stadium. Once again the destruction and dilapidated shacks people lived in, the hovel of rust and misery that was being called a shining city, the Great Green Jewel of the Commonwealth - it took my breath away. The world has really gone to shit, and Shaun is lost in it. Nora is dead. All I have now is a dog and a shotgun to my name. "Here we are. Keep an eye out, will ya? Let's see if I can get this open."  
Dogmeat took guard at the edge of the metal walkway, overlooking the city. I stood in front of Valentine to obscure anyone's view of him attempting to pick the lock. "That's one heck of a lock...got something to hide, Kellogg?" Nick sighs in frustration and stands. It turns out we need the key, and I volunteer to grab it from the mayor's office.  
I manage to convince McDonough, that smarmy bastard, to give me the key. He gave it to me as a good will effort to 'help the kidnapped' or some bullshit. Nick is standing outside Kellogg's house having a cigarette as I approach. I unlock the door and head inside, and as I search Kellogg's house with Nick, I feel more and more hopeless. Mayor McDonough's words echo in my mind. "I doubt you'll find him. This whole thing might be fruitless." He may be right. I am in way, way over my head. Secretive organizations turning people into robots that mimic them perfectly? A military organization that runs on the ideal of preventing another apocalypse through hoarding tech?  
Dogmeat's bark breaks my thoughts, and I head down the stairs to see what he had found. "What is it boy? What have you got for me?" He's whining and pointing at under the desk, and I spot some wiring. I kneel and find a button, and press it without thinking. I hope a rocket engine doesn't fire.  
A door on the wall opens and Nick quips about it. I feel like I'm in an old fashioned spy novel as I walk into the room, and there's a plush chair with a caged light casting the atmosphere. "Look at that. All of a merc's favourite things." I look around the shelves lining the walls, and to the side table beside the chair. I lift up a cigar out of an ashtray. "Soda, beer, food, ammunition and _San Francisco Sunlights_?"  
Nick turns from examining the dusty fingerprints on the shelf. "Interesting brand. Won't lead us anywhere on it's own, though."  
I spot Dogmeat knocking over a bottle with his nose on a lower shelf and looking vaguely guilty as it pops the cap off and the liquid spills all over the floor. "Maybe Dogmeat can pick up the scent. He is a shepherd. Had one in the navy that could track the cleanest perp through six miles of bog."  
"Say, that's not a bad idea." Dogmeat turns and barks, excitedly tapping his feet and wagging his tail. "Well, Dogmeat seems eager for the job. Why don't you let him have a whiff? See if he picks up on the trail. And before you head out...I know this is personal business. If you have to face Kellogg on your own, just say so."  
"I-....You're right, Nick. I do. Thank you for your help, sincerely - I never would have gotten this far on my own. Goodbye."  
"Hopefully not forever. I want to see you and your kid safe and sound when you get back. Good luck. And any time you need help, just come knocking." Nick leaves and I mutter "me too, pal." I wait a few moments for Valentine's footsteps to fade whilst grabbing some food and soda from Kellogg's shelf and stuffing it in my travel bag. Waste not, want not.  
"Dogmeat. Get the scent, boy." Dogmeat loyally trots over and takes a good time smelling the Sunlights in my hand. "I'm entrusting my family's future to a dog. That's it. I'm officially crazy." Dogmeat barks excitedly, and then jumps around to sprint down the metal walkway. I have to run as fast as I can to catch up with him, and the minute I do he's around a corner and going to leave the city, only pausing occasionally to let me catch up or pick the scent back up. Danny playfully shouts "Where's the fire?" as he spots Dogmeat and I sprinting out of the city. We must look crazy. I really hope he's tracking Kellogg and not a box of scooby snacks.  
Dogmeat barks at me as though he's found something. It's a big irradiated puddle with some trash in it, and a small wood board with an ashtray and a chair nearby. I pick up a cigar from the tray and let Dogmeat smell for a moment, and we're off sprinting again. He runs down some railroad tracks, and with the clear surface to run along, I almost lose him until he stops again for me to catch up. I finally feel as though we're getting somewhere - finally, I'm getting closer to finding Shaun, and keeping him safe. We sprint down the side of the tracks to a low set highway just beside it. There's a broken turret, some bodies, and blood splatters. I find some rags on a railing by a doorway and blood leading inside. I let Dogmeat get the scent again and this time he's really after it - real blood instead of some cigars.  
We run back up the stairs leading to the train tracks and there are three wild dogs waiting for us. I take two out with my shotgun before they can react, and the last mongrel tries to attack Dogmeat but is no match for his immediate ferocity. Dogmeat lunges at it and pulls it's throat out before getting back on track sprinting away again. My heart is hammering in my chest and my legs are on fire - but we're finally getting somewhere. Finally, I have tangible proof I'm getting closer to finding my little boy. Dogmeat snarls and some mutated bear lunges from behind the shade of some trees, and catches buckshot in the face. After a few more rounds it falls to the ground before it could even reach me. This place is dangerous, but I feel fucking invincible.  
Dogmeat and I sprint down a large flight of stairs and he almost trips with his haste. He's barking before we reach what he smells. There's a mine and a decoy body next to a sleeping bag - I fire at the mine and it explodes without harming either of us. Dogmeat gets a whiff of the decoy and I continue to follow him through a street. Feral ghouls leap from the rusted husks of the cars and I can hear Dogmeat desperately whimpering in pain as one pins him. I fire and buckshot rips through it, and Dogmeat pulls away from it largely unharmed. Dogmeat and I take out the last of the feral ghouls and we're gone again. I never thought I would deal with the dangers of this place so casually, but I'm so close being there for my son safe in this godforsaken wasteland and nothing is going to stop me.  
Night begins to fall as we run and I see a flickering in the distance - almost like fire, but the flickering is brighter and more random. Dogmeat begins to bark and as we near it, I realise it's an old war machine - a deadly, terrifying thing, an Assaultron. Beheaded and lying on the road left for dead.  
" _Tracking known mercenary. Exercise extreme caution._ "  
I used to be afraid of these things on the field. "What have we here?"  
" _Error. System corrupt. ...I can't feel my legs._ "  
"Good. Just...tell me where Kellogg went, tin can."  
" _Identity of assailant: Kellogg_." Useless. Dogmeat is behind me sniffing, and then he barks to tell me he's picked up something. He waits for me before we start to run again. My legs are really hurting now, and the cold from the night is biting at my hands. I can tell Dogmeat is uncomfortable, but he just keeps going - what a good dog. Dogmeat leads me to a wall boarded and cemented up. No, no you piece of shit, I'll find you. A wall isn't going to save you. A wall is not going to stop me from finding my boy. "Is this the place? Is he in here, boy?" Dogmeat barks excitedly and snarls at the entrance. "We need to find a way in. Come on. I can hear turrets - hug the walls, buddy, I don't want or need you to get shot right now."  
I find an unlocked set of doors leading from the roof inside. Stupid of him. Despite the turrets, it was relatively easy to find. I head inside and I immediately hear Institute Synths around the corner. I fire before they realise I'm here, and the buckshot does less damage than I'd hoped. All the enemies I had faced today were flesh, and turrets are explosive. I wasn't prepared for the sudden resistance. Laser fire burns holes in my shoulder as I dodge around a corner to duck out of range. I fire the shotgun around the corner blindly and I hear one of the synths in their droning voice exclaim " _I am damaged. Kellogg will not be pleased._ " So he is here. Good. Mayor McDonough can bite my ass.  
The fighting continues all the way to a control room. What appears to be the leader of the synths in this little group is waiting for me, and he has a powerful rifle that rips and cauterizes a hole straight through my shoulder before I'm able to even react. My heart hammers in my chest and I duck behind a file cabinet. I can feel the heat as laser fire begins to melt the other side. Dogmeat leaps into action and rips it to the ground, giving me a chance to fill it with buckshot. Were that shot any closer to my torso I would have died. I inject a few stimpaks whilst I proceed to the elevator. The ride gives them time to work.  
If I die here, what happens to Shaun? I'm being careless. I need to worry less about finding him soon and more about staying alive long enough to do anything about it. The doors open to turret fire, and as I proceed the battle down further into Fort Hagen I hear the intercom crackle to live and the all-too-familiar voice. "If it isn't my old friend, the frozen TV dinner. Last time we met, you were cozying up to the peas and apple cobbler. Sorry your house has been a wreck for two hundred years, but I don't need a roommate. Leave." This man takes a look at the enraged face of the husband of whose wife he murdered, infant son kidnapped, and crack jokes at the travesty that has become his life. He has balls, I'll give him that, but he's bone dead stupid.  
Kellogg goes on and on trying to get me to stop advancing. Laser turret fire tears through my leg and I almost throw up from the pain. Between that and my shoulder I'm starting to look like Swiss fucking cheese, but the adrenaline keeps me moving. I kneel around a corner and take another stimpak and check my rounds. I'm going to run out soon if the sheer opposition doesn't hold up for one goddamn minute. I round a corner and hear his voice come to live again.  
"You've got guts and determination, and that's admirable. But you are in over your head in ways you can't possibly comprehend. It's not too late. Stop. Turn around and leave. You have that option. Not a lot of people can say that." And what, abandon my infant son? Abandon Shaun to this wasteland without any hope of a safe life where he'll be loved and nurtured? "I'll leave when you're a corpse, Kellogg." He sighs. "Okay, you made it. I'm just up ahead. My synths are standing down. Let's talk." I round the corner through some security doors that click open as I reach them, into a command room with synths lowering their rifles. Kellogg rounds the corner and my stomach twists into angry knots. The images of Nora - my beautiful darling - being shot flash through my mind. Our son ripped from her feeble, dying hands, crying for his father that couldn't reach him.  
"And there he is. The most resilient man in the Commonwealth. Funny, I thought I had that honor."  
I try to keep my voice steady but my emotion breaks through. My rage, my indignation. My sorrow. "You murdering, kidnapping _psychopath_. Give me my son. Give me Shaun! Now!"  
"Right to it then, huh? Okay. Fine. Your son, Shaun. Great kid. A little older than you may have expected, but I'm guessing you figured that out by now." Fuck, _no, **please**_ **.** I wanted -I needed to raise him. Who knows what bullshit this man has filled Shaun with. I'll undo it, though, I will. Barely a year or 10 years, he's my son, and nobody knows better for him than his parents. Than me.  
Kellogg clicks his tongue. "But if you're hoping for a happy reunion? Ain't gonna happen, pal. Your boy's not here." My voice gains stability. "Fuck you, Kellogg. You're going to take me to him. Right now." Kellogg laughs and it's the worst sound I could have heard. Acid hits my throat, and with the nausea comes a hope that if I vomit, it splatters all over his stupid jacket. "Take you to him? Like I could, even if I wanted to. Don't you get it? Your son, he's in a place nobody can reach." He paused for longer than necessary and I honestly started to believe my son was dead. "Shaun's home. In the Institute."  
"The Institute? Well I'll find him, no matter where he is. _Nothing_ will stop me."  
"God, you're persistent. I'll give you credit. It's the way a father should act. The way I'd be acting if I were in your place, I like to think. Even if it is useless.But I think we've been talking long enough. We both know how this has to end. So, are you ready?"  
The promise of enduring violence and hatred in my voice almost surprises me. Almost. "I'm going to make you suffer." The synths start firing the moment my voice stops and I have to leap behind a console to shield myself. Dogmeat, ever faithful, leaps at a synth by Kellogg's side and takes it to the ground, tearing at it's plating and wiring trying desperately to put it down. I raise my shotgun and buckshot rips through Kellogg's shoulder as he staggers and isn't incapacitated by the grievous injury. For a moment, he disappears, and I realise he's using a Stealth Boy. Stupid idea, considering my weapon isn't really meant for a single point of fire.  
"Ever heard of 'spray and pray', asshole!?" I begin to fire around where I had seen him last and I hear a cry of agony as the Stealth Boy clatters to the floor, blood spraying the floor and a console wall. He had tried melee on a man rapidly firing a combat shotgun. Makes me wonder how he had survived this long. I kneel down to examine Kellogg's body for anything that might give me information towards the Institute. What I find disturbs and sickens me. He's barely holding on, flesh ripped from the upper right half of his torso and face. Most of him has been replaced by synth parts, but I can tell he was organic at one point. He's sparking from his eyes and can't breathe through the blood pooling in his throat.  
I pull his jacket off, hearing him gasp in pain as I toss his body around like a ragdoll. As I'm setting his jacket neatly on the floor next to him, I can hear him trying to speak through the blood. "Didn't you fucking hear me two god damn minutes ago? I'm going to make you suffer, Kellogg. You shouldn't have fucked with me." Some sick, twisted part of me makes me grin as I grip onto one of the important-looking parts sitting over his heart, and tear it out of his chest. Apparently it was a pain suppressor. Kellogg begins to scream and twist in earnest. I pull out another part and all you can hear is his wails of agony. He clearly has not felt real pain in a very long time, and I'm glad I was the one to make him feel it.  
I pull out the last piece that looks removable without serious tools, and he stops moving. It was a piece of his brain, and I think I'd finally killed him. Good. I wrap the pieces in his jacket and move to access his terminal, write down all the information I can get, and leave. As the elevator ascends, my heart hammers in my chest and my knees fail me. I sink to the floor and Dogmeat whines at me, sniffing over my wounds in concern. Shaun is 10 years old. I was frozen again for 10 more years. And now he's with - he's at 'home' with some psychopaths that devastate towns for scrap and replace people with machines to infiltrate and destroy? The elevator doors open, and the minute I reach the surface and breathe in fresher air I hear engines. I look up and see that it's dawn - and there's an enormous airship flying overhead, with vertibirds flanking it.  
" _What the fuck?_ " Who could possibly have the resources or the power to own, let alone fly an airship? And vertibirds? A speaker on the airship crackles to life and the volume is heard across the wasteland. " _People of the Commonwealth. Do not interfere. Our intentions are peaceful. We are the Brotherhood of Steel._ "  
No fucking way.  
I stand in shocked silence as the vertibirds drown out every noise besides them. Searchlights span the area and everything is all just so noisy and attention grabbing. My pipboy lights up and I realise Military Frequency AF95 is broadcasting again.  
" _-Repeating- This is Paladin Danse on frequency 95. All Brotherhood of Steel units are to return to the Cambridge Police Station immediately for reassignment._ "  
Paladin Danse's words echoed in my head. " _More importantly, you'd have the Brotherhood at your back...ready to spill its own blood to keep you alive._ " If anyone could help me find my son and bring him back safely, it's Paladin Danse and the Brotherhood of Steel.


	3. Duty of Care

I make my way straight there after leaving Fort Hagen. I head inside and Dogmeat barks and runs off into another room before I can stop him. Oh well. If anyone asks, he may or may not be my dog. I spot Paladin Danse staring out a window near the entrance. "Excuse me, Paladin Danse?"  
Danse turns, and he has a huge smile on his face. It's awfully cute, which is strange, considering the man is a walking _tank_. "Cavalry's arrived. And it looks like they sent in the big guns!" He looks like a child that got just what he wanted for Christmas. "Why did the Brotherhood send it _here_ of all places?"  
"We call our ship the Prydwen. She's loaded with enough troops and supplies to mount a major offensive. If she's here, Elder Maxson's here. And that means we're going to war. You're about to get to know the Prydwen up close and personal. I've received orders that we're both to report to her immediately. Follow me up to the roof of the police station. We're going for a little _ride_." Paladin Danse seems gleeful. I can't believe I found out my hopes of finding my son have been dashed on the rocks 30 minutes ago and now I'm taking a Vertibird ride to an airship.  
I proceed with Paladin Danse to the roof and I'm greeted with the sight of Dogmeat waiting for me, already on the vertibird. A scribe comments that she saw me walk in with him and figured at least one of us would be upset if he was left behind. I thank her as she leaves back into the police station. I climb gingerly into the Vertibird, minding my wounds. Danse is silent and pensive for a moment before his hand reaches out and touches my shoulder. I flinch immediately and hiss in pain. "Your open wounds are still bleeding. Either I can make field repairs and we can wait until tonight to get you treated, or we can treat you directly after receiving orders. It's your choice." This man is exactly what I need, right now. This organization. Real people with real beliefs - and the firepower to back it up. The firepower I'm going to need to save Shaun. My- my _10 year old boy_. "I can wait, sir. Thank you."  
"We're on final approach to the airport. The Prydwen should be coming into view just ahead. We're going to be meeting Lancer Captain Kells on the flight deck." As we approach, Danse leans outside the Vertibird to get a better look at the Prydwen. It looks incredible from here.  "There she is. It's been far too long since I've been aboard. Alright, Soldier - this is the moment where everything changes. I hope you're ready."  
"Far more than you could know, sir. I'm becoming more glad by the hour I decided to join."  
Dogmeat almost falls out of the Vertibird as it docks against the Prydwen. Danse grabs him before he can slip. It's another protective gesture that doesn't go unappreciated. Once on the flight deck, Lancer-Captain Kells gives me the usual CO-to-newbie dressing down, and orders to report to Elder Maxson's speech. With how proudly the Lancer-Captain and Paladin Danse speak of him, this Elder Maxson guy better be a god damned savant, or I'm going to be sorely disappointed. I walk up the stairs with some direction from a Scribe on deck and spot a man standing tall across the way, a bunch of men and women standing at attention to him.  
"Dogmeat, stay. Stay _here_. Seriously. Stay." Dogmeat playfully barks at me and makes himself comfortable on some wooden crates by the doorway. I proceed down the hall to attend the address. The man I see, Elder Maxson, has got to be the most attractive man I have ever seen in my life. He stands with his arms placed behind his back, and his entire body and posture scream confidence and power. His jacket is belted and has a fur collar - and although it seeks to hide the fact, I can see it's clearly ballistics proof. His hair is shaved intricately on the sides of his head, and his beard is clean cut and thick.  
I fall in line with the troops on deck and stand at attention, quietly glad I didn't waltz in here with Dogmeat looking like a _complete_ asshole.  
Maxson calmly paces the floor whilst giving his speech, and my eyes are fixated on him. His voice is silky and smooth, but dark - that kind of voice that could tell you to leap off a bridge, and you would follow it without a second thought, even as you hit the water.  
Maxson clearly has zero tolerance for these synths. Something in his voice tells me he's not kidding - this man will destroy any opposition _without prejudice_.  
After his speech, "Ad Victoriam!" fills the room and it hushes again. The various soldiers inside leave the room, looking curiously at Dogmeat in the corner. A scribe goes to pet him. I turn to address Elder Maxson, and he's already with his back to me, carefully scanning through the enormous window that spans in front of him. Calculating everything he looks at. _Damn it,_ Nora, if only you could _see_ this man.  
"Elder Maxson. ...Sir." He makes no move to physically address me. You can see the whole of the Commonwealth from up here, and Maxson is looking over all of it. "I care about them, you know. The people of the Commonwealth." He speaks softly, and I can hear the sincerity in his voice. "I can see that, sir. It's not hard to tell." Maxson turns around and I can see what I hadn't before - an enormous scar on his right cheek leading into his beard, stitches still binding it together. Did this man headbutt a Deathclaw?  
"I refuse to allow the mistakes of the past to be repeated."  
"I hope this isn't another Brotherhood morals lecture." I really hope not. From Kells's strip-down on the flight deck to that whole speech, I have had my fill of it. "Not at all. In fact, it's clear from Paladin Danse's reports that you understand our core values. He feels you've become quite an asset to us. Seeing as he's one of my most respected field officers, you couldn't get a better recommendation. Therefor, from this moment forward, I'm granting you the rank of Knight. And befitting your title, we're granting you a suit of Power Armor to protect you on the field of battle. Wear it with pride."  
I'm speechless again. I've been moved up three ranks in a single day? "I-..Thank you, sir. I'll do my best to live up to it."  
"I'm certain that you will. In any event, once you're finished becoming familiar with the Prydwen and my staff, report to the flight deck for your new orders. Welcome aboard the Prydwen, soldier. Make us proud." I give him a formal Naval salute and an 'Ad Victoriam'. It only seemed appropriate, but perhaps not. Maxson raises an eyebrow, and salutes me by throwing his right fist against his chest. I mimic him, and he nods, satisfied, and turns back to the window.  
I head up the ladder to the main area, and down a long corridor into what looks like a small mess hall. The glorious smell of noodles is in the air, and Paladin Danse is standing tensely at the doorway. The moment he spots me he swiftly walks over to greet me. "There you are. How did it go with Elder Maxson?"  
I tell Paladin Danse the bare minimum. The rest isn't important. "Made Knight, power armor, new orders. Noodles?" I gesture to the barman. Danse doesn't look impressed. "I just hope you appreciate how much of a chance I'm taking bringing you into the fold this quickly. Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you screw up we go down together."  
"Alright, so what's all this about you being my...sponsor?"  
"Elder Maxson is understandably particular when it comes to new recruits. He believes in order to keep the Brotherhood strong, we have to bond as brothers. As your sponsor, it's my duty to travel with you throughout the Commonwealth to ensure that our ideals are being observed. That's why I'm so concerned about your performance in the field." I would worry about being scrutinized so closely, but it would be selfish considering the faith Danse has put in me as a person and as a soldier. "I won't let you down, Danse. I promise."  
"Good. Now we need to take care of your injuries and get on with your duties." Danse begins to lead me down the hall to the doctor, and after a less-than-brief dressing down, Knight-Captain Cade gets to my wounds. I start to strip down my clothes, and a nurse takes them and throws them in the garbage. My white coat and jeans are soaked in blood. I didn't even notice, but now that I'm aware of it - staring at the seared, bleeding flesh on my shoulder and leg - they really start hurting.  
"What were you fighting, a sentry?"  
"I was fighting synths. And...someone important. Someone that needed to die."  
Danse speaks up first. "Would you consider them an enemy of the Brotherhood?"  
"Yeah, definitely."  
"Has your target been eliminated?"  
"Yeah, I wasn't going to walk out of their beat up with nothing to show for it. There was a detective in Diamond City. He helped me find a man named Kellogg - a mercenary working for the Institute. The man who took my son and shot my wife. I tried to interrogate him, but he just...taunted me. Told me Shaun was 'at home' at the Institute. I killed him and emerged from his little hideaway just as the Prydwen showed up overhead."  
Cade looked at me, handing me a Brotherhood of Steel jumpsuit. It was orange and rather tight but not totally awful. Better than the Vault suit.  
"Have you had any sleep since you emerged from the Vault? Or anything to eat?"  
"Oh god, no, I haven't. I had some noodles in Diamond City. Other than that, no. A lot of stimpaks."  
"This is unacceptable. You need to promise me that from now on you'll take better care of yourself, soldier." Paladin Danse stood and helped me to my feet without asking if I had needed it, and led me away. "Paladin Danse, we don't have time to screw around. You said it yourself, if I screw up, we both go down. I need to familiarize myself with this ship before we do anything else. And I think I need to tell Maxson what I know about Kellogg and the Institute. He-"  
"I will speak with Maxson personally. Now that you're under my sponsorship, I have a duty of care to you. We need to assure you're functioning at full capacity, soldier. You're no good to the Brotherhood dead from exhaustion and undernourishment." Danse had me fed, cleaned up, and brought me straight to his quarters. We picked up a spare sleeping bag on the way and set me up on his floor with a footlocker for storing my things in. I lied on it for a moment, talking with Danse, and before I was even aware of it happening, the words died on my tongue as sleep took me.


	4. Cross My Heart

I was back at home, in Sanctuary. I was stretched across the sofa, my wife lying safely in my arms. We were warm and everything was alright. I was singing her the lullaby I used to soothe our newborn son as we settled in for an afternoon nap.  
_As winter takes me now, of cold and clammy skin_  
_A barren empty womb, as I am born again._  
_It's pulling at my hair, and crawling all within._  
_A gentle beating heart is swept away by sin._  
_The monster in your head won't surface again._  
_Be still my child, wash away the sin._  
_And I as future kings, walk off the edge_  
_Hold me by my name -_  
_Hold me 'til the end._  
I felt myself fall asleep until I was awoken by the sound of a gunshot. I was inside  the cryopod, and everything was cold again - a 10 year old boy was in the pod in front of me now, and Kellogg had just shot him in the head. Instead of the Vault  surrounding us, the wasteland did - a Deathclaw was rampaging in the distance, slashing it's claws through people I knew. People from my neighborhood. A hundred thousand Synth copies of my wife lay as the ground - spanning as far as the eye can see - and the real one was broken and bleeding beneath Kellogg's feet, her dead eyes staring into my soul. She opens her mouth and asks, "why didn't you protect us, Vinny? I love you. I _loved_ you." My son, Shaun, now 10 years old with the same head wound as my wife, sits up from his slumped position in her pod and stares at me like Nora. "Dad?" he says, as the red, taut, mutated flesh of the animals of the wastes spills out of his mouth in an endless fountain of irradiated boils.  
The nightmare is broken as I lurch forward and vomit into the nearest empty container I could find - a metal bucket by the side of the bed. My head is spinning so fast I fall back to the bed feeling as though I might be thrown off of it, and my body is covered in cold sweat. The face of my wife and son, broken and pale with death, haunt my vision.  
Paladin Danse opens the door, still wearing his power armor and barely able to fit in the doorway. "Good, you're awake. It's been 28 hours. I was starting to worry. Are you feeling alright?"  
An entire day? I slept an entire day? "Why did you let me sleep so long? I have shit to do Danse, I can't afford to sleep all day."  
"Watch your _tone_ , soldier. You may be a Knight but you're still my subordinate. You're going to have to trust my judgement - and that includes when it comes to you. I realise you may be older than me, but like Elder Maxson, we don't use age to define superiority here in the Brotherhood. Perhaps that's something you'll need to get used to."  
I sigh, internally berating myself for letting my tone get out of check. I should have known better than to snap at Danse - beyond him being my CO, he's been kind enough already. If I were in his place I would have told me to leave the police station the minute I cracked a joke about pest control. "I'm sorry, Danse. I was just...I'm in a bad place. I'm sure you can understand that much. Have you talked to Maxson?"  
"Yes, I have spoken with Elder Maxson, but you'll need to give him time to process this information. I would suggest continuing to do whatever it was you were going to do before the Prydwen arrived. What was that, exactly?"  
"Well as much as I hate to admit it to you sir, it wasn't retrieving Scribe Haylen's artifact. First I was going to meet the crew, and then find Detective Nick Valentine in Diamond City to see if he had any information regarding the implants I had found on Kellogg."  
"Sounds like a plan. Nick Valentine - you make him out to be a reliable source of information, and he may yet prove to be an asset to the Brotherhood." I bit back a laugh. Hopefully Danse didn't shoot him in the head any time soon. Let alone accept him as a Brotherhood confidant.

* * *

  
After familiarizing myself with the ship and the four Proctors, Paladin Danse watched me step into my new Power Armor suit and stumble around like a jackass. I fell off a roof last time I was in a suit. I'd left the T-45 with Sturges in Sanctuary. I haven't worn Power Armor in decades and my training has been lost. Danse didn't miss a beat and immediately started to retrain me to wear it. He said Maxson and Lancer-Captain Kells would understand completely if we spent some time doing training - this is what I signed up for, anyway. Learning how to survive long enough in the wastes to find Shaun. If they've kept him alive for ten years, they're hardly going to stop now.  
We spent a week together training - both on the Prydwen and doing field work. He taught me about Super Mutants, Molerats, Radscorpions - all about the new creatures in the wastes. I had a hundred questions and each answer brought a hundred more, and he answered everything he could. We spent at least three days hunched over workbenches, practicing field repairs on power armor and modifying my shotgun for increased damage and spread. He'd even helped me carve the Brotherhood of Steel insignia on it, and Proctor Ingram was all too happy to help me come up with a name - _Homewrecker_. It may not be as artful and duteous as Righteous Authority, but it was fitting.  
My first mission with my newly named shotgun was at Fort Strong. I'd visited once during my deployment to resupply and I hated the miserable little place. The generator room smelled like burning hair, and the scientists that worked and lived there were not the best to get along with. The mission itself went alright - I took out a Behemoth with the minigun, and Danse and I swept the place like a wildfire. Nothing survived. Once the last super mutant was turned into another modern art installment, Paladin Danse turned to address me. "Look at this place. You must hate these mutants as much as I do." He seemed amused, and I looked around - blood was everywhere, close-quarters buckshot proving too much for armorless Super Mutant torsos. "Besides being big, stupid, ugly, and vicious, why do you hate Super Mutants so much, Danse? You seem to have a special, reserved loathing for them."  
"They're responsible for the death of a close friend, a Brotherhood Knight named Cutler. So when you ask if I hate them, I say hate's too gentle a word. Those monstrosities are just another example of man blindly taking a step forward only to wind up stumbling two steps back." Danse sighs and sheaths his weapon as we begin the walk back out of the fort. I kick a corpse out of the way a little harder than necessary for Danse's sake. "I've been fighting for years trying to put a stop to this madness and just when I thought we were getting the upper hand, along come the synths. I've seen what super mutants can do to people...can you imagine what the synths would do to us if they ever got the upper hand? It would be Armageddon repeated. And maybe the end of everything that we hold dear." Danse seems to remind himself of my current situation and backtracks a little. "Look, I don't mean to bore you with my rhetoric. I just want you to understand how important these missions are. They may not be the key to finding your son, but they still matter."  
"Don't apologise. It reminds me why I'm doing this. Not just to help find my son, but legitimately to help the Commonwealth. I didn't have all selfish reasons to join the Brotherhood, sir."  
"I-didn't mean it that way, soldier." Danse seems to fluster for words for a moment. "Thank you, brother. It feels good to know you're taking my advice to heart."  
I had been hoping through our week of training that we were doing some sort of bonding - it really felt nice to know someone, and I felt like getting closer to Danse. He was someone I knew I could put my faith in and he wouldn't let me down. So when he refered to me as 'brother', my heart fluttered a little, and I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face.  
When Danse and I finally returned, I stashed the jackpot of model rockets I'd found at the Fort in my footlocker. I'd come to terms with Shaun being 10 years old. I started finding pre-war toys and games on our scouting operations and I have been hoarding them in the footlocker. So far I have several teddy bears, a basketball, a baseball bat, ball, and glove, a full Blast Radius board game set, and a menagerie of different colored toy rockets and cars.

* * *

  
The moment we returned to the Prydwen, Danse went to perform maintenance on his power armor whilst I turned our report into Maxson. After a full disclosure of the day's events, Maxson congratulated me. "Outstanding work, soldier."  
"It was honor fighting for the Brotherhood."  
"I'm glad you feel that way, because our mission here has only just begun. I'm sure you're aware Fort Strong was simply the first step towards the liberation of the Commonwealth. An even greater task lies ahead. By now, I'm sure you've deduced that our arrival in the Commonwealth wasn't coincidental. We're here because of a unique energy reading recorded by Paladin Danse's recon team. According to our scribes, the reading indicated a level of technology that only the Institute could achieve. The moment that information came to light, our mission became clear. The Institute and everyone responsible for the creation of the synths must be eliminated at all costs."  
Geez, this guy likes to hear himself talk.  
"To accomplish this goal, we need to locate the Institute's headquarters. I've had our scribes meticulously searching the Commonwealth but they've come up empty handed."  
"Anything you need Elder, just say the word."  
"I want you to get out there and become our eyes and ears on the ground. You seemed to have a vested interest in finding the Institute before we met, so I'm confident you'll travel in the right circles. If you discover a way in, I need you to report it to me immediately. Any questions, Knight?"  
Glad to be back on track towards retrieving my boy, Maxson and I stood on the command deck and discussed possible resources for at least an hour. When I returned to dock my power armor, Danse was back in his, cleaned and tuned finely. "Do you ever step out of your power armor, sir?"  
"I find it efficient to be protected from enemy attack at all times, and considering there are no drawbacks as far as I am concerned, I prefer to stay in my armor." Wow, I don't know if he's paranoid, or smart. "What about the hood, then? Don't tell me you're bald."  
"No baldness here - I'd need to be much older for that" he teases, and with a smile, leaves it at that. I give him a withering stare before we set upon Teagan for a resupply. We'll be separating for a while, given the nature of Nick Valentine, so Danse lends me some money to purchase combat armor. It's light for plate armor, and the utility belt is a nice touch. Teagan even threw in some extra shells for me.

* * *

  
Walking down the streets in Diamond City felt strange alone. Danse and I had been working together for a while now, and it just...felt weird not to hear the metal cacophony that was his footsteps. They had become a comfort as of late. Something that reminded me I had someone watching my back, and I wasn't going to die out here. Now...I just felt alone. Not vulnerable, just...alone.  
I stepped into Nick's office to be greeted with Piper's voice. I really wasn't fond of this woman at all. Pushy, selfish, and nosy. Like my mother in law. Piper is arguing with Nick about releasing information on me to her for the press. Charming woman. Truly. Nick turns and addresses me, and looks crestfallen to not see a baby in my arms, or a child by my side. You and me both, pal. He asks what happened and my voice cracks uncomfortably as I regale the tale. Nick and Piper exchange words about how difficult the Institute is to get into, like I haven't heard all of that a hundred times in the past two days alone.  
"-No synth does. Security protocols strip those memories out." Frustration and anger boils up again. "Oh good, the Clockwork Dick doesn't know how to get back to the factory!"  
"No. I skipped that part of the orientation film while they were busy pulling me apart and putting me back together again." Nick looks honestly irritated with me. I pace the floor, sighing and rubbing my eyes. "I'm sorry Nick, I shouldn't have snapped at you." Nick's expression softens and Piper speaks again. "But there's one person who must know how to get in, right? The guy who just handed them Shaun."  
I can see gears turning in Nick's head, and for a split moment I feel guilty for killing him. Just for a fraction of a second. And then I remembered how he mocked me, and how good it felt to hear him scream as I tore him apart piece by piece. "Whatever you're thinking Nick, it's not gonna matter. He's dead."  
"Yeah. Figures the Institute's only man on the outside wouldn't be the type to be taken alive."  
"So a murderer and kidnapper gets his brains blown out by an avenging parent. It'd be a great ending if we didn't still have the biggest mystery in the Commonwealth to solve."  
I open my mouth to tell Piper to shove her story up her ass for one damn minute, but Nick speaks up first. "We might not need the man after all. There's a place in Goodneighbor called the Memory Den. Relive the past moments in your mind as clear as the day they happened. If anyone could get a dead brain to sing, it'll be Doctor Amari. We get a piece of Kellogg's gray matter and take it to Amari. Then we see if she's got the goods to pull this off."  
"Jesus, Nick. Gross. Seriously?"  
Nick opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off, standing far too close to Piper than is absolutely necessary. She winces with the volume of my voice piercing through Nick's agency. "I'm sorry the only method we have of finding my son is repulsive to you, Piper, but I don't give a shit. If you don't stop treating my personal tragedy like a fucking Saturday morning cartoon, I might do something I regret. Come on, Nick, it's you and me. Let's get going."  
Piper pouts at me. "I'll be at the Publick if you need me. And by the way, at some point, you owe me an interview for biting my head off. I wanna hear more about this tragedy." It takes some effort to leave with Piper unscathed.

* * *

  
The moment we step into Goodneighbor, my skin crawls. I can see Ghouls around me, but not the feral kind. It's my first honest exposure to non-feral Ghouls. Some clown in a tight leather getup is standing there, blocking my path, smoking a cigarette. He blows the smoke in my face and I resist the urge to ram the end of my shotgun into his nose. "You can't walk around Goodneighbor without some insurance."  
"Unless it's keep-dumb-assholes-away-from-me insurance? I'm not interested." I try to walk past him, knowing damn well this is a ridiculous scam, but he puts a hand on my chest and cigarette ashes fall from his cigarette, smearing grey on the white Brotherhood of Steel emblem there.  
"Now don't be like that. I think you're going to like what I have on offer. You hand over everything you got in them pockets, or 'accidents' start happenin' to ya. Big bloody accidents." Before I can grab my shotgun from my back, a Ghoul in a fancy pre-war historical outfit walks up. He sure knows how to turn heads.  
"Whoa whoa whoa. _Nick Valentine_ makes a rare visit to town and you're hassling his friend here with that extortion crap?" Nick and this ghoul stranger exchange tense pleasantries, and the dumb asshole whose nose I still need to break turns around with a heavy sigh. The ghoul argues with him for a moment, reveals that he's the Mayor of this particular shantytown, and proceeds to poke a few holes in the dumb asshole's chest cavity. We have a sparing, tense introduction, and Hancock saunters away. I'm surprised he didn't stab me as well. The Brotherhood doesn't hide their distaste for mutants, and while closer to humans than any other mutant on the chessboard, Ghouls still count as mutants. Valentine remains silent as we walk to the Memory Den.  
What transpires inside is as odd as it is disturbing. Doctor Amari is a brilliant woman, and she's able to wire Nick to what I salvaged from Kellogg, and put me inside it. I find out Kellogg was abused as a child - no surprise there - but he also had a child of his own. I don't care what happened to them - the idea that Kellogg once had a daughter sickens me. He was a father once. And he stole my son from me, and shot my wife. I heard his thoughts echo in my head. "Even then, I knew it was a mistake leaving him alive. I understood that kind of revenge, no one better. But I was cocky enough to assume I could handle some soft prewar vault dweller, even if he somehow got thawed out. I'm glad I didn't have to kill the kid. I'm not saying I haven't done it, but I never like to. And yeah, I guess it did remind me of...her. I'm a cold-hearted bastard for sure, but I'm still human. Better this way, though. Better than taking her kid and leaving her alive."  
What, so her husband whom you left perfectly alive could suffer from two losses? The same fucking losses you suffered from? No, Kellogg. You weren't remotely human. You were worse than every circuit-brained Synth in the Institute, every half-witted murderous Super Mutant in the Commonwealth, and every putrid feral ghoul infesting Boston combined. I wish you were still alive so I could kill you all over again, and do it slower. Half of me wishes I had never thawed out. But the other half - the stronger half - got to see my son, Shaun. A ten year old boy. He looked beautiful. My beautiful little boy.  
Still raw from the experience, I managed to stagger my way through my conversation with Amari, and then Nick, and even on the way back to the Prydwen. My mind was reeling from everything. Danse told me about the Glowing Sea - ground zero for the bomb. Constant clouds, lightning, and radiation. A green haze. The waste's worst creatures, Deathclaws. Often packs of feral ghouls. And straight, open air, the greatest gift to any potential ambusher. A danger beyond what I'd faced so far all combined and then shot up with steroids. And now, in order to find my son, I'm going to walk straight through it.  
When I returned to the Prydwen, I spoke to the Proctors to request their assistance with this mission. Danse wasn't kidding - their help was going to be invaluable. Proctor Ingram promised to modify our Power Armor to the best of her ability to protect against the radiation of the Glowing Sea. Proctor Teagan and Knight-Captain Cade were going to work on securing us a good amount of Rad-X, Radaway, and ammunition to survive the trip. Proctor Quinlan assembled a small team of Scribes to build a dual power armor station bay on the ground at the Airport to cleanse our armor of the Glowing Sea's soil and dust as soon as we got back. If we got back. Beyond that, there was nothing left to do but for Danse and I to wait. The supplies Ingram needed for our suits was going to take a week by itself to arrive, and standing around got me antsy.  
We were in Danse's quarters the morning after speaking with Knight-Captain Cade, and I was pacing the length of the floor without realising it. Everything was bouncing around in my head. Tactics, radiation survival, Deathclaws. Shaun. Danse stood up and grabbed my arm to stop my pacing. "Do you have a moment? I need to speak with you."  
"Yeah, of course, Danse. What's on your mind?"  
"This isn't a formal meeting. I...simply wanted to clear the air. I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot when we first met and I feel like I owe you an apology. I pushed the Brotherhood's standards and morals on you, even knowing you had just come out of the vault from before the war. I felt like even if you had no idea what the wasteland was like, I didn't know what pre-war was like, and I didn't want to risk the chance of losing you to an assumption. And given how well you've adapted to the Brotherhood, I don't think I needed to push so hard."  
I could see how clearly uncomfortable Danse was. He must not do this very often at all. "I'm betting it hurt to say that."  
His voice is strained and he winces. "A little bit, yes." A smile spread across my face and I looked down at the floor. I'm recovered enough from Nora's death to admit it to myself. I find Danse extremely handsome. I realise there's no chance of anything beyond friendship between us - considering rank, the wasteland, our mission, and most of all Nora's death still raw and stinging every fiber of my being. But I could at least feel a little flattered I had an attractive man like Danse stumbling over his words for me. Even if it was a CO/subordinate thing.  
"That's very kind, Danse. Thank you. Really, I appreciate it. You're a good man."  
"Well you deserve it. When I was an Initiate, my sponsor was Paladin Krieg. Toughest squad leader I ever served with. He was a model soldier, embodying the values every trainee was striving to achieve. Fiercely loyal, secure in his beliefs and brave to a fault. From the moment I was assigned to his squad I was singled out. It felt like he was pushing me harder than the rest of the team. I fought by his side for years, and we had some seriously close calls, but he never explained to me why I was treated that way."  
"Did you ever ask him why?"  
"I'd considered it, but unfortunately, I never had the chance. After I was promoted to Paladin and I had moved onto my own squad, I received word that Krieg was killed at Adams Air Force Base. The news was like being kicked in the stomach. I mean, I'd lost some of my brothers and sisters before, but his death...well, it really got to me. It's taken me a long time to realise it, but the reason Krieg was so tough on me is the same reason I'm so tough on you. It's because I believe in you and I don't want to see any of your potential go to waste." I can't stop the smile that spreads across my face, and quickly fades. My lips begin to quiver with emotion, and I bite them to fight back tears. Nora would constantly tell me she believed in me, and it made me feel like superman. With Danse, it was different - but I still felt like I could take on the world. Just as long as he was beside me. "I'm flattered that you have so much faith in me, Danse." My voice cracked, and Danse pretended not to notice.  
"You've earned that faith by your own hand. You're absorbed in the process of finding your son - I know you think about it all the time. But has it occurred to you that perhaps he's not the only reason you're so determined to infiltrate the Institute?" My brows furrow as I look up into his eyes, searching for something. What is he getting at?  
"What I'm trying to say is - you're a good Brotherhood soldier. I can tell that you honestly believe in our cause, and you want to help the Commonwealth be rid of the synths and the threat they pose to humanity. But by now, anyone would have given up on finding your son if it was the only reason they kept moving forward. There would be some reason to stop, to accept the loss and rebuild your life in this new world you've found yourself in. But with the Brotherhood, and with Elder Maxson counting on you to find a way into the Institute you've kept going. Not just for your son, but for us. For your brothers and sisters." I find myself once again feeling lost and confused. I don't feel like anything he said was a lie. I've been so caught up in finding my son that I never thought too hard about any other reason why I wanted into the Institute. But I really do believe in what the Brotherhood is trying to do, and I want to help make the world a better place anywhere I can spare.  
"Well, I've said what I had to say and I hope that it meant something to you. I hope you give it some thought. I...trust you'll keep this in confidence, of course. Some of that information was of a personal nature, and well, I'd like to keep it that way."  
"No, of course, Danse. Cross my heart. You've certainly...given me a lot to think about. If it's alright I think I'm going to go to the lower levels of the main deck and do some soul searching while we wait. Do you have need of me?"  
"No, soldier. You're dismissed. And take care not to compromise your mental well being, and I would prefer it if you didn't leave the Prydwen without me. We need you focused and healthy if we're going to make it through the Glowing Sea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lullaby is actually the lyrics to Staying by Koda.


	5. Charades

Danse's words weighed on me. It had been two days since our talk already, and I had spent my time absorbed in thought. I hadn't realised the straight-and-narrow point of view I'd been operating by this entire time. My only thoughts have been of finding Shaun, and raising him like I wanted to. Untangling all the lies and propaganda the Institute has surely been forcefeeding him.  
But the last few weeks - whenever I think of being a part of the Brotherhood, my heart swells with pride. The people of the Brotherhood really have become like siblings - while none of them know about my past, they don't even bother to ask, or look at me with the least bit of mistrust and uncertainty. Elder Maxson and Paladin Danse have accepted me, and so the rest of the Brotherhood has wholeheartedly taken me into the fold. I suppose my charisma has done the rest.   
They're such good people, and being a part of this family of warriors, fighting so hard for our ideals - I feel a rush of adrenaline and happiness. Excitement. The kind of excitement I felt when I joined the Navy. When Nora told me, as long as I was defeating the monsters in the dark, she would support me all the way, no matter what was between us. Even if it was death.   
I hate the cliche, but she was my rock. My anchor. I was lost without her after what I had experienced in the Navy. Every time I broke down in tears over a lost comrade, or nightmares tore me from my sleep, she would cradle my head and tell me I was stronger than I could ever realise. Now, when I think of her, I feel glad I ever knew her. I feel glad she didn't have to see what the world has become. She always knew exactly what to say, and when I think of speaking to her now, I know she would be happy the world didn't change me.  
I guess in this environment you either heal quickly or you don't survive. That applies to mental wounds, too. Shaun is within reach, and I refuse to give up on him - but Danse is right. He's not my only concern anymore. I'm a soldier, and I always was. Nora knew that. She knew I needed to fight for people who couldn't fight for themselves - defeat the monsters in the dark. She knew I needed to bleed for the bigger picture. Shaun may be one boy, but with him, there are a hundred others who never made it home, and the Institute is responsible for that. 

* * *

  
Thankfully, rather than a week, it only took a few days to secure the materials to reinforce our power armor. Paladin Danse and myself stood side-by-side in the main deck, armed to the teeth, every supply pouch on our person filled with medication and contingencies. I think Danse must have packed at least 20 frag grenades, and I had spent every cap I had on fusion cells and shotgun shells for Homewrecker and Righteous Authority. Someone from one of the upper walkways catcalled at us, and I could see Ingram carefully hiding her chuckle before she barked at them for it. Elder Maxson personally saw us off the flight deck via Vertibird to the edge of the sea.   
As we were flying towards it, I felt sick already. Danse and I had our helmets off, and I could smell the rot and burning atmosphere. All you could see was a thick fog breaking sight any further into the cloud of green beyond us. It looked surreal and for a moment fear gripped my heart like a vice. I didn't want to die here. I didn't want to be the soldier that died just before it got interesting, leaving someone else to pick up his legacy. I wanted to see Shaun. I wanted to make Nora proud of me.  
The Vertibird landed near the edge and I stumbled out. It took off again as soon as Danse cleared out, and he handed me my helmet I'd carelessly forgotten inside. Before I could put it on, Danse gripped my head and forced me to look at him. "Listen to me carefully. I need you focused, soldier. The minute we put our helmets on is the minute everything in your mind besides the mission at hand disappears. I have your back and we are not going to fail this mission for any reason. Do you understand me?"  
"Yes, sir. Thank you. I understand perfectly. I just need a moment." Danse nodded and let go of my head, clasping my shoulder. I took a deep breath and stared into the green, thundering abyss. I am strong. Nora thought so, and Danse knows so. I slip my helmet on and Danse follows my lead. I pull my shotgun into my hand and start off into the cloudy haze.   
Even through the sound of our breathing and the thundering in the sky, I can hear my Geiger counter on my Pip-boy through the suit going crazy. Dodging away from every liquid or muddy surface I can see, we run farther and farther into the Glowing Sea.  
I expected devastation at ground zero, but what I'm seeing is incredible. There is nothing left but the shells of thrown cars and the shattered, broken remnants of trees. I remember what should be in this area - and there's nothing here. I thought the Wasteland looked desolate and destroyed - at least there's rubble and civilization. A clear sky. Here, there's no sign any buildings ever used to be here except the occasional shattered foundation wall jutting up from the ground like teeth. Danse points out the remnants of a highway and we follow along it, blindly traveling into the distance. Virgil could be anywhere in here, and we have no idea where to start looking.  
I hear a raspy snarl and crouch down, ducking behind what's left of a vehicle. There's a large puddle of extremely irradiated water, and there is an entire pack of feral ghouls rolling in it. I look at Danse for a way out and he shakes his head, lifting his weapon. A fight it is, then.  
Both of us charge into the ghouls to take them by surprise, and the first ghoul that charges me gets a round to the face. There are plenty more, and the minute I have a moment to breathe, I'm quietly thankful Danse showed me how to increase my clip size without sacrificing power. If I had to reload as much as I was before, I'm not sure I would have come through on top. We continue on through the Glowing Sea, and it's an uneventful 20 minutes later before we reach the broken down remains of a train track on a hill. There's a train blocking immediate passage, and Danse grips my shoulder and hunkers down low, clearly having seen something I'm oblivious to.  
"Code red. Deathclaw." he whispers as Danse points to the small moving object between two of the tipped-over train cars - the tail of the thing, stiff and moving only slightly in rapt attention. We see it stalk around the car and I stand still as a statue, Danse in accompanyment. I hope for a moment our power armor will blend into the background, but the Deathclaw spots us. Danse barks something at me but his words are lost in the Deathclaw's roar. I immediately start firing as fast as rounds will fly out of my shotgun, but the deathclaw zigzags and every shot misses. Finally, as it comes close and , I hit it, and buckshot rips through it's belly. The deathclaw rams into the ground dead.  
"Holy shit, I just killed another Deathclaw. We did it, Danse! It's dead!" I clearly spoke too soon, and we hear another roar as the ground breaks apart and another Deathclaw rears it's ugly head from the tainted soil. Instead of zigzagging, it runs on all fours towards us and it's fast. It's on us before I can blink, and Danse steps out of the way as it attemps to lift me from the ground. My suit is too heavy, and the Deathclaw stumbles under the sudden weight, giving Danse the opening he needs. He drops a grenade between it's feet before it notices and yanks me towards him. We're not completely saved from the blast, and the Deathclaw survives, but not for long. Danse and I fill it with rounds and it sinks to the floor, the snarl dying in it's throat. "Damage report. How did your suit hold up?"  
"Damage to both of my legs and torso but nothing some Wonderglue won't fix back at the Prydwen. Are you alright, sir?"  
"Yes, I'm fine. My right leg is showing stress damage but it will hold until the end of the mission, given we don't run into any more of those things. Come on, we need to keep moving."  
It takes another half an hour before we reach anything of note. There's a steep hill I don't remember being here and a singular way up as far as we can see - a small dip in the peak of it. Danse is still far more experienced walking in Power Armor and has to take my hand to help me over wet, muddy spots in the hill that my feet sink into. As we come over the crest of it, I realise it's not a hill at all. It's the edges of a crater where the bomb fell. My geiger counter is going crazy. I think I'm going crazy. It looks like there are people down there, and a tiny house in the center, with some wood and metal constructs along one of the walls of the crater.  
"Danse, tell me you see that. Please tell me I haven't lost my fucking mind."  
"The Children of Atom. They're foolish people who believe a deity by the name of Atom-"  
" _Okay_ , we'll leave it there for now. You can give me the full story when we're safe back at the Prydwen, but I think I'm going to grow a _vestigial limb_ if we don't get out of here soon. Come on. Let's ask one of them if they've seen Virgil."  
Danse and I descend the crater's edge, and I expect the people to be surprised, or frightened - or to look at us _at all_ \- but as I pass one of them gratefully bowing to the crater, she tells me "None shall escape the Great Divide." I resist asking what the hell The Great Divide is supposed to be and walk up to the most important looking nutjob here. She's standing central to the whole scene, and without obsessively bowing her arms. "Stop right there, stranger. You approach Atom's holy ground. Why? State your purpose or be divided in his sight." I can't help but laugh a little at her. "How the hell do you plan to do _that_? Voodoo?"  
"You are not one of Atom's Chosen. Save your judgement for those who care what mortals think." _Mortals_?  
"You're worshiping what... _radiation_? You're crazy."  
"Atom provides for and protects us. If you are unwilling to accept his embrace, then I suggest you leave and never return."   
"Lady, you look like your eyes are giving up on any pigment other than ' _hemorrhaging blunt force trauma_ ' and your skin is a delightful shade of ' _festering corpse_ '. Atom isn't doing a very good job of _anything_ you're claiming he-"  
"Get to the _point_ , _soldier_." Danse knocks my power armor with his elbow, and the clang is louder than he must have meant it to be. The woman turns back around to readdress me. "What do you need of me, child?"  
"I'm looking for someone named Virgil. Have you seen him?"  
"Yes, I know of him...what do you want with him?"  
"Why do you even care? He's not one of your people."  
"True, he is not a Child of Atom. But he has sought refuge in Atom's Glow, and Atom granted it. I would not question the will of Atom. I'll ask you again. What do you want with him?"  
"Look, I just need some information from him. That's all."  
She blathers on about something or other, and finally reveals the location of Virgil's little hideout. The woman shouts after us, "I would approach cautiously, were I you! I feel he does not want visitors!" but the warning falls on deaf ears as Danse and I descend the other side and walk into the cave.  
When we arrive, Danse and I are able to slip past the strings of cans Virgil has up as alarms, and his turrets don't even fire on us despite the spotlight pointing right at us. Either he's incredibly stupid, or smart enough to realise we're not his enemies. I peer through the opening and blink as we walk in, seeing a Super Mutant as the only inhabitant of this cave. Well, we weren't his enemies. And then he had to go and be a thing like that.   
"Hold it! Take it nice and slow. No sudden moves."  
"Well I'm not exactly going to be river dancing in this power armor any time soon."  
"Shut up. I know you're from the Institute. So where's Kellogg? Trying to sneak up on me while you distra-"  
"You're gonna end up just as dead as he is if you don't give me what I need."  
"Dead? He's...dead? Don't you lie to me!"  
"I killed him myself. I don't have time for this."  
"If you're telling the truth then you must understand my skepticism. Kellogg was ruthless. There's a reason the Institute used him to do their dirty work for so many years. I knew they'd send him after me. I tried to prepare for it. Still, I wasn't sure I'd make it. So you killed him, eh? What do you want with me?"  
"I'm not an idiot. I know you were part of the Institute."  
"How could you possibly know that? No, it doesn't matter. I'm not going back. I can't go back! Look at me! What do you even want? Why are you here?"  
"Quit your whining. I just need to know how to get inside."  
"It's not whining if - wait, what? You want to get into the Institute? Are you insane? Nevermind how nearly impossible that is, even if you were to succeed it'd almost certainly end in your immediate death. What reason could you possibly have for taking that kind of risk?"  
I'm silent for a moment as I'm taken aback by that question. I don't know how to answer, and before I can tell him it shouldn't even matter he takes my silence as my answer. "Fine. You know what, I don't even want to know. You wanna get yourself killed, that's your problem. I can help you get in. But I want something in return." Don't they all. Doesn't mean he's going to get it. I won't trust a Super Mutant, not after what I've seen them do. I agree to his terms quickly and Danse doesn't raise any questions. He gives us the information we need - an Institute Courser has something he needs to get me in, and exactly where to find one. Danse and I leave and travel back out of the Glowing Sea a few miles from where we'd entered, marking our way back from Virgil's hideaway.   
After returning to the Prydwen and dropping off our suits at Quinlan's cleansing station, Danse and I headed straight to Knight-Captain Cade to be treated for radiation. Once cleared, we headed straight to his quarters for some much-needed rest. Haylen had left us dinner on his desk with a little note. She must have seen us arrive. "I don't know what I'm going to do if anything ever happens to Haylen. She's too precious for this world, Danse."  
"There are a lot of things too precious for this world that are forced into it anyway." Danse gives me a warm look, and I feel myself start to blush. We eat and peacefully spend the night in silence.

* * *

  
By morning, we were already headed right back out to the sight of the College. We followed my Pip-Boy to Greentech Genetics. The fight to the Courser was easy. A horde of Gunners had infested the place trying to protect some girl, and all they felt the need to wear was either no shirt at all or simple Army fatigues. I didn't even feel the need to waste my shotgun shells - I switched weapons to Righteous Authority, and mine and Danse's laser fire tore the Gunners apart easily as we rapidly ascended the staircase, a panicked voice occasionally coming in from the intercom system.   
The Courser itself was considerably more difficult. He had just killed a Gunner as we entered the room, and the Courser turned towards us. "You've been stalking me" was all it said before it disappeared, and I internally cursed myself for not having prepared for the eventuality that it would use a Stealth Boy. I swapped to my shotgun and Homewrecker's constant fire was all I could hear. The constant rippling of buckshot screaming through open air was making my ears throb in the first five minutes of the battle.   
The Courser was quick and sturdy, and it took several clips to finally bring it down. Through the battle, Danse had sustained minor injuries - I neglected to bring my power armor, however, and I was bleeding more than a little bit. Danse patched me up with quite a few Stimpaks and some bandages. I extracted the Courser Chip just as I heard a woman speak.  
"H-He deserved to die. I...can't get out of here on my own. I'm going to have to trust you to help me."   
"Who are you, lady? Why was the Courser so interested in you?"  
"I...I can't tell you yet. Please just open the door. I promise I won't run." There is a staring contest between us, and I relinquish and open the door. As the door is open, she runs out to greet me. "Thank you. I don't know what to say."  
"Oh, you must not have heard. I'm a superhero. I do this for a living." She looked cute, but something was off about her.   
"My Institute designation is K1-98, but I prefer Jenny. So yes, I'm a synth. If you hadn't already guessed." The 'girl' goes into a ramble about her situation and how she needs to learn to survive on her own devices and refuses any further help I might offer her. Help? She's a robot. A robot pretending to be a human. A robot no doubt made to look like a real human and used to replace her. Disgust and a tint of fear overwhelm me, and before I realise it, fake blood splatters across the wall, and 'Jenny' is lying on the floor bleeding. I can hear myself breathing quickly, and Danse pushes me away, sitting me down on a pile of rubble.  
He lets me calm myself before we leave and return to the Prydwen. It's the middle of the night when we finally arrive home. I wordlessly headed to the command deck to brief Maxson on our successful mission and stop by Knight-Captain Cade's to get myself patched up. When I return to Danse's quarters, he's out of his power armor. He looks distinctly uncomfortable and he's made a point to keep his laser rifle directly beside him on his bed.   
"Why the lack of armor Danse? Is it too hot in here or something?" I halfheartedly jest. The humor is completely gone from my voice, and Danse looks worriedly at me. "The Courser managed to damage it quite badly in the fight. I've left it in the hangar to be repaired fully before our trip back to Virgil." I just nod at him, electing not to speak again, and get comfortable for the night.   
My eyes are wide open for at least another hour, and I can't stop thinking about Jenny- about K1-98. I knew she was a synth, and synth are my enemies - but she looked human. Acted human. I don't know if that should have made it easier or harder to kill her, but like a programmed machine myself, I fired my weapon before I'd even realised it.  
I don't know why it's seared into my mind like this, keeping me awake at night. I don't know how I should feel about my actions. I hate the Institute and their damned synths just as much as Paladin Danse does, but I don't know if some of the more human ones should be irredeemable..or not. What had Jenny ever done? Did I have any right to execute her simply because of her nature as a machine?  
I hear the bed squeak as Paladin Danse sits up. I can barely hear him whisper in the dark. "Are you still awake?"  
"You can't sleep either?"  
"I just thought...would it be possible to speak off the record for a moment?" I look at Danse strangely as he leans towards the wall and turns on the lights. "Off the record? That's not like you, Danse." I say playfully, trying to lighten the mood a little, setting Homewrecker aside again. Distancing myself from the situation with K1-98.   
"Which is why this is going to be difficult to say, so I'd appreciate it if you bear with me. When I saw you put down that synth without hesitation today, I felt proud of you. Having you placed under my sponsorship has turned out to be such a rewarding experience, for both of us. At this point, honestly, I don't feel like there's anything about being a Brotherhood soldier I could teach you that you don't already know. It's apparent from your attitude and your actions that you intend to keep those ideals close to your heart."   
I felt dread seep into my heart, thick and heavy, weighing it down. "Danse, don't do this to me. I feel like I'm going to get some bad news. Are you leaving our partnership?"  
"No, no, not at all. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm just not very good at these things. I...grew up alone in the Capital Wasteland. Spent most of my childhood picking through the ruins..and selling scrap. When I was a bit older and had a few caps to my name, I moved into Rivet City and opened a junk stand. While I was there, I met a guy named Cutler. We got along pretty well. Watched each other's backs and kept each other out of trouble. When the Brotherhood came through on a recruiting run, we felt like it was the best way out of our nowhere lives, so we joined up."  
I took a deep breath as Danse spoke and watched him carefully. "I have a hard time picturing you as anything but a soldier."  
"Clearly I was ignoring my calling. Anyway, about a year after we were posted to the Prydwen, Cutler vanished on a scouting op. It took some convincing, but I was able to persuade my CO to let me assemble a squad and search for him. It took almost three weeks, but we tracked his team down to a Super Mutant hive." Danse's voice changed. It was thick with emotion, something I honestly wasn't used to hearing from Danse. Not so tangible. "Those wretched abominations had slaughtered everyone but Cutler. He should have been so lucky. The mutant bastards used their FEV to change him into one of their own kind. He wasn't Cutler anymore." Danse's voice broke, and he looked away from my eyes. "I had to...it was my duty to...put him down."  
I stood up and crossed the room, sitting on the edge of Danse's bed. I don't know why, but I just want to be closer to Danse. "Oh, Danse, I'm sorry. That must have been difficult, but...you did what the Brotherhood taught you. It was the right thing to do." I took Danse's hands in mine. He didn't seem uncomfortable with the touch, and even pressed into it.  
"Then you understand why I had to do it. Ever since Cutler died, I've seen other soldiers come and go. Some were brave, some were honest...hell, some were even downright heroic. But I'd never consider any of them to be a good friend, a friend like Cutler was, until now." Knight Rhys and Scribe Haylen flash in my mind, and when I meet his gaze, I realise he's not talking about them. He's talking about me. I feel something unidentifiable slide into place, somewhere. "It's a good feeling, but it frightens me all the same. Having a bond with someone then losing them...it changes you. I don't want to go through that again."   
It's then I start to see everything so much more clearly. "It would never be that way with me...I care about you too much to let that happen." My words resonate with how I feel and I realise what's going on. Paladin Danse has become much more than a comrade to me. He's my best friend, and I would do anything to keep him safe at this point. He's been a constant source of support since Nora died - since I met him. Even when I wasn't around, desperately trying to find leads in Diamond City, he was submitting approval requests to sponsor me and take me under his wing. Teach me about the Wastes and protect me until I could stand my own ground. In the past couple weeks, I can't remember a span of time more than a few hours long where we have been separated. I would have died multiple times if it weren't for Paladin Danse.   
He stared into my eyes for a few moments, and then diverted his gaze and blushed.   
"I...I didn't know you felt that strongly about our...well, about us. I'm sorry if I seem...confused. You've certainly given me something to think about. I just thought you deserved to know how I felt. If you feel that I've overstepped my bounds, I completely understand. Whatever the case may be, I appreciate the fact that you took the time to listen."   
"Of course, Paladin. If I'm uncomfortable at all I'd let you know. I... _thank you_. Really, thank you for sharing that. You have no idea how much it means to me."

* * *

  
The next morning Danse and I weaved peacefully around one another as we gathered ourselves for the day. I still had a morning habit from the Navy - doing stretches to limber up for the day. I managed to convince Danse to join me, now that he was out of his power armor for a few minutes. We immediately left afterwards to reacquire the power armor down below at the Boston Airport, cleaned and repainted. I dropped mine off at it's station before we left for Goodneighbor. The people in Goodneighbor had seen my face before, and I figured Danse wouldn't draw too much alarm if he was seen simply accompanying me - but if we both showed up in freshly painted BOS power armor, that drugged-out mayor Hancock might see it as an invasion or something.  
We walked into the memory den, straight to Amari, working on a console in the back of the room. She looks up momentarily and shock crosses her features. "You're back! The Glowing Sea, Virgil - what happened?"  
I was in a good mood this morning. "Oh you know, took a radiation bath, hung out with a big, green guy. Then I pulled this encoded chip out of a Courser's neck. He was not happy."  
"A Courser chip? You fought a Courser? Oh my god." She looks at me in concern, and seems partially disturbed as she realises Danse and I are no worse for wear. "Unfortunately I can't help you. I've worked on a lot of synths, but never a Courser. I don't know what that chip does, let alone how to decode it. But there are people who might. I work with a group that, well, they're the only ones I know that even have a chance at cracking Institute security. They're called The Railroad."  
"Next stop: The Railroad! Choo choo!" I grin, and Danse behind me doesn't seem even partially amused. He, in fact, scowls at the mention of The Railroad. Doctor Amari glares at me and clears her throat, signaling me to take this seriously. "You need a code phrase in order to find them. 'Follow the Freedom Trail.'"  
"Oh. That's it? Alright, I'll find them. No problem whatsoever."  
"Good luck. I'm sorry what I have is so cryptic, but hopefully you can figure things out as you go." Doctor Amari seems to have forgotten just who I am. I was here when Boston was intact and I've followed the Freedom Trail myself. People these days may not know about it, though. I seriously doubt many people walk around the desolate wasteland to go on historical outings for fun.  
Danse doesn't question my lead as I walk straight out of Goodneighbor towards Park Street Station. I don't know who the Railroad is but their 'super secret code' isn't that hard to figure out. As we reach the beginning of the Freedom Trail, there's a big wooden sign that says "AT JOURNEY'S END FOLLOW FREEDOM'S LANTERN." There is a Protectron beside it that once served -and still serves, I suppose- as a tour guide. There's something impressive about a robot tour guide that's survived standing out in the open, in the weather and everything, for two hundred years.  
"Danse." I stood tall, at attention, holding Homewrecker like an old musket. I put on my best serious face. Paladin Danse echoed my posture and stood at attention as well. "What is it, soldier?"  
 "Are you ready to learn some history, sir? Are you ready to follow the trail of Freedom?"  
Danse realised I was making a joke of it, and was having none of it. "You need to take this seriously. The Railroad are dangerous people and-"  
"Come on, Danse. Have just a teeny, tiny bit of fun with me. It won't interfere with the mission, I promise. I remember following this trail with Nora, actually. Before the War ripped it apart. I probably know things nobody else does, actually." Danse's features softened. All he said was "Lead the way." I grinned and started marching along down the red brick trail. When we reached the Massachusetts State House, I stopped, standing on the circle below my feet. "The Massachusetts State House was completed January 11th, 1798. It was widely acclaimed as one of the most magnificent public buildings in the country. The land was originally used for John Hancock's cow pasture."  
"John Hancock? Isn't that the chem addicted ghoul that calls himself the mayor of Goodneighbor?"  
"Nah, Hancock stole the name from the real guy. The outfit, too. Anyway!" I continued our tour until we reached the Old State House. I gave Danse the brief history on it and it's significance to liberty, both in Boston and in America. I continued to stand there, staring up at the balcony on the front. "You know, I remember standing on the edge of that thing, absolutely scaring the hell out of Nora. She thought I was going to fall and break my neck."  
"Why would you do such a foolish thing? That's two stories high. You really could have fallen and died."  
"I don't know, Danse. People do stupid things to hear the person they love fawn over them. I don't know. Death wasn't as immediate a concern as it is now. Some people felt invincible enough to take blind risks like that just for the sake of fun." I kept staring at the balcony, the moment playing over in my mind, and eventually broke my reverie to lead Danse further along the trail.   
We'd reached Old Corner Bookstore, Faneuil Hall, and Paul Revere's house before long. A few super mutants had tried to break my tour but they didn't live for very long. At the end of the trail, we'd reached Old North Church - and I almost broke down in tears when I saw it. I immediately shielded my eyes and turned around, and Danse became concerned. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing, Danse- I just." I took a deep breath and looked at him, feeling tears well up in my eyes. "Do you know what the game Charades is?"  
"Sure I do. What about it?"  
"Well, Nora loved charades. It was her favourite game to play with me because I was just so bad at it. When we first walked the Freedom Trail, it was maybe two years before the bombs hit."

* * *

  
 _I could not stop smiling. This woman was entrancing me. Something was different about her today, and I didn't really care to find out what. I was just having so much fun. Nora stopped and sat on the edge of the statue's base in front of the Old North Church to rest, laughing too hard to keep walking._  
 _"Vinny, stop! I'm going to pee!" She then started laughing harder at herself for blurting that out in a crowd of people. My lungs hurt from laughing with her. I pulled her into a kiss that lasted just a little too long to not be seductive. I loved her so much. Nora pushed on me and broke the kiss. She couldn't stop smiling either. "Okay, it's charades time."_  
 _"What, here? Now? I know you like gestures baby but we're in public." She covered her mouth as she laughed, kicking at me from the statue's base. "Yes, Vinny! There's a point to it, I promise. Here's the first word." She made a motion as though she was holding something and biting into it. "Food? You're hungry?" She held up a finger and gave me a pointed look, and then tried the pantomime again._  
 _"Oh, one word, right. Uhh...Food? Eating? More specific? Okay, hot dog. Hamburger." She pointed and then tried again. "Patty? Bun?" She pointed animatedly and giggled. "Bun! Got it! Okay, next one." Nora took a moment to stop giggling at my confused expression. She was pantomiming a box or maybe a bag, and putting an object in it. "Trash? Garbage? Rotten?" She fell into laughter and shook her head. "Okay, try something else. Uhh...Threw away? Tossed?" She put emphasis on pointing downwards as she dropped the object. "Fell? Put into? Inside?"_  
 _She clapped and stood from her perch for just a moment to kiss my cheek in excitement. "Last word, Vinny." She sat again and motioned as though she was placing a pan in an oven. "Baking? Cooking? Back to food again? Um. I don't know why you put me through this torture, Nora. I swear you hate my guts." She fell into laughter and motioned for me to keep guessing._  
 _"Okay, okay. Muffins? Cake? Heat? Oven?" Nora squealed and hopped up and down. "Yes! Now put it together and guess what I'm trying to tell you!" I just stared at her like a complete dumbass. "Bun inside oven? What does that mean?"_  
 _"There's a bun in the oven, dummy!" A bunch of people stopped to stare, and at least two had started filming us. I didn't honestly care, but I felt like the biggest idiot. The people around us had clearly gotten what she was trying to say, why couldn't I? "I think the charades broke me. Nora, I'm dying. I'm-" I fell to the floor dramatically and feigned death. She was crying with laughter and telling me to get up off the floor when it dawned on me._  
There's a bun in the oven.  
 _I jolted to a sit to stare at her in shock. "You can't be serious. Nora don't tease me like that. Are you serious?" Nora nodded, crying for an entirely different reason now, but with the same glowing smile on her face she's had all day. I stood quickly and took her in my arms, swinging her around, overcome with joy._  
 _"Oh my fucking god, Nora! There's a bun in the oven!" Nora's laughter and my all-too-excited hollering filled the square._

* * *

  
It was dead quiet. I could hear faded gunshots in the distance, and the overwhelming smell of super mutant meat sacks filled the whole area. The Old North Church itself was older than hell and almost taken down from radstorms. I wiped the tears out of my eyes and stalked to the door. Danse gripped my shoulder to stop me. "We can't head into a mission like this. You know better than that, soldier. It won't kill us to halt for a moment while you get a grip. I realise places like these hold memories for you, sometimes painful ones, and I understand if you need a minute. But we can't march blindly into hostile territory compromised. Understand?"  
Danse didn't sound angry. He spoke softly, if just a little bit scolding. I nodded and leaned against the door, wiping the tears from my eyes with my jumpsuit. I psyched myself up, gave Danse a confident nod, and pushed through the door. We fought of the feral ghouls with relative ease. Danse's helmet lit the way through the crypt, following the out-of-place painted symbols, and eventually we stopped at a dead end. A bricked up wall with wires attached to a metal decoration at the end of it.   
Danse starts gathering C4 charges to blow the wall, but before he can get far I realise the metal decoration isn't a decoration at all - it has a ring with "BOSTON - THE FREEDOM TRAIL " on it that spins, and the center pushes in like a button. I remember the numbers and letters painted onto the landmarks on the trail and spell out "RAILROAD" using the device. The wall slides away and we're granted entry. Neat. I wish all field ops had puzzles like a video game.  
As we walk through, it's pitch black - and then a construction light clicks on and floods the room. Danse removes his helmet and turns the light off. When my eyes adjust, I realise there's three people in front of me - one with a pistol, one with a minigun, and an unarmed woman in the center who speaks up first. "Stop right there. You went through a lot of effort to arrange this meeting. But before we go any further, answer my questions. Who the hell are you?"  
"Put down your weapons first."  
"Until I determine you're not a threat, we'll point our weapons wherever we damned well please. Who told you how to contact us?"  
I resist the urge to stammer and make something up on the fly. I really don't want to give her Amari's name in case she finds herself in trouble for helping the Brotherhood - and helping my son. "I helped Karl out of a jam. He knows a guy who knows a guy and they hooked me up with a lead."  
"We'll look into it. Last question. Why are you here?" Whoops, she bought it. I hope I didn't get 'Karl' into too much trouble. "Let's say - hypothetically- I've come into possession of a Courser chip. Would you be able to help?"  
The woman's jaw drops in shock and she's about to speak before a suave looking man in sunglasses walks over. Who wears sunglasses underground? "I didn't know we're having a party. What gives with my invitation? Oh, I see you've invited the Courser killer. Nice."  
"Deacon, you're late. You're saying this intruder actually killed a Courser? Single-handedly? That'd give even Glory a run for her money." Danse and I exchange exasperated expressions. It was most certainly not single-handedly, and I couldn't have done it without Danse's help, but I resist the urge to bring that up for professionalism's sake.  
Clearly the two don't care much for professionalism and proceed to argue with one another about letting us in. Eventually she concedes and agrees with Deacon. His silver tongue seems to have worked. The two men aiming lower their weapons, the minigun being set on some sandbags nearby. Danse and I pass without issue into the headquarters and Desdemona informs a man in a strange hat about the chip I carry. He seems excited, and with the way he talks, I can tell he's one of those crazy smart inventor types.   
Desdemona turns to me and we have a relatively short discussion about ground rules. I feel myself becoming slightly offended at the complete lack of an introduction to this Tom guy, and I don't know if it's my pre-war sensibilities or just her being rude. She demands the courser chip in exchange for the code I need, and mentions they'll be using it to throw a wrench into the Institute's operations. I agree, considering the Brotherhood has no further use for this chip, and hand it to Tom. He leans over a terminal surrounded by tech, getting to work on the chip immediately.   
Danse and I turn to one another and I pull out my water bottle. He gratefully takes a sip and we discuss our next trip into the Glowing Sea as Tom rambles away at his computer. People are staring at us talking so calmly about it, but I couldn't care less what a group of disorganized rebels thinks. Maybe we'll even impress them and some of them will grow some balls and join the Brotherhood.   
I never did like off-the-wall vigilante groups like this, that hid away in secret bunkers and used guerrilla tactics to hit their enemies. Sneaking around was never my style. Once Tom is finished I put the water away and gratefully accept the holotape with the code, being sure to thank him for his efforts. I may not like his organization very much, but I'm not completely devoid of manners.  
Desdemona makes a threat to our 'relationship' if I share any information I may discover involving the Institute with anyone else before her. She severely overestimates my dependence on her little operation, and seems oblivious to the Brotherhood of Steel insignia on mine and Danse's armor.   
We leave without incident, and it's a Vertibird ride to the Prydwen to pick up my armor and an hour's worth of flying and walking before we reach Virgil's hideout. Placing the markers to find our way back was smart. The trip to the hideout was no less death-defying and horrible as the last, but we made it. As we walk in, clanking away, Virgil doesn't seem surprised - he doesn't even pull himself away from the stew he's making. "Wasn't sure I'd see you again. You manage to get what you need?"  
"No, Paladin Danse and I just went out for a little stroll in the Glowing Sea. Thought I'd stop back and say hi."  
"It's a good thing your survival and my humanity aren't at stake, otherwise I might be annoyed by your attitude."  
"Yeah, good thing, because in the same line of thinking - you would be mistaking me for someone who cared."  
Virgil's face twists into an unimpressed grimace, and it looks as though I have very much annoyed him now. Good. "Fine. I shouldn't have doubted you'd come back. You did get rid of Kellogg, after all. Not too much of a leap to take down a Courser. How'd you manage to get it decoded?"  
I scoff. "None of your damn business."   
"Fine. Forget I asked. Doesn't matter anyway." Virgil sighs, turning away from the stew to gather papers and holotapes. "You're not the only one who's been busy."  
"I can see that. Smells good. What is it, Brahmin or Deathclaw?"  
Virgil stops moving the papers, confused, until he realises I was joking. I can hear Danse's lips twitch in a suppressed smile. Finally I made him laugh during a field op. The small accomplishment wipes away the lingering depression from earlier's memories.   
Virgil chooses to ignore my sarcasm entirely, and turns to show me the folder he's put together. There are several blueprints, papers, and a small box of holotapes. "I did the best I could, from memory and things I've overheard through the years. Came up with some schematics for you. Wasn't easy; these hands are ridiculous. Fine motor skills have gone to shit. Here's the simple explanation: you need to build a device that will hijack the signal the Institute uses to teleport Coursers, and send you instead. You know the craziest part of the design? That classical music station is the carrier signal for the relay. All the data's on harmonic frequencies. You've been hearing it all along."  
Virgil pauses and hands the folder over. "I want to be clear that this isn't my area of expertise. I was BioScience, not Engineering or Advanced Systems or anything. So can you? I mean, can you build it? You have people that can help? This is a lot for one person ,even you."  
I look at the folder full of schematics and information, and the Brotherhood of Steel insignia on my Power Armor catches my eye. I look at Paladin Danse, and smile. "I've got it. We've got it." Virgil is sure to remind me again to pick up the serum he was experimenting with - which I have no intention of doing. He was working for the Institute, which is bad enough already - but in the BioScience division, experimenting with FEV and turning people into Super Mutants? Danse's friend Cutler comes to mind, and I feel sick thinking about the atrocities Virgil has committed. I don't care how he became a Mutant himself, or why. I refuse to take his word about whatever this serum does, and I sure as hell will not be involved in letting it get back into his hands.


	6. A Better Life Underground

Danse and I travel back out of the Sea and are picked up by Vertibird shortly thereafter. The trip back to the Edge was quiet, but once in the Vertibird, Danse removes his helmet and hood and puts a hand on my shoulder and grips it. "With the Brotherhood behind us, we'll never fall. The Brotherhood of Steel is lucky to have you within it's ranks." A smile spreads across my face.  
It starts to rain on our way back, and my minigun takes out anything within a mile before the Vertibird lands to wait out the storm. Once we've landed safely, I step out of my Power Armor and secure it to the inside of the Vertibird, so it doesn't fall when we take off again. Danse remains comfortably in his own Power Armor and I sit and lean against his legs, soaking up the warmth his suit gives off and enjoying the view. The Pilot is talking idly into the Vertibird's communication unit connected to the Prydwen about the storm, and I'm silently glad for the time to think.  
I feel happy. It's the first time in a long time I've felt at peace with anything at all. I know so much more about this world, and I've killed things that people born and bred in the wastes couldn't dream of surviving a fight against. Joining the Brotherhood of Steel has given me everything I need to reach Shaun, and I am so close. All I need to do is build this machine with no doubt Proctor Ingram's help and I'll be in. I'll be able to locate Shaun and bring him home. I'd like to think he'd enjoy living on the Prydwen.  
But alas, daydreaming about watching my little boy run around the main deck, playing with the toy plane I've saved for him whilst Danse and I modify our armor together isn't going to make it happen any sooner, and I can feel the gears in Danse's head grinding away at something. His posture is all wrong, and he keeps sighing as he works through whatever is bothering him. "So Danse - what's eating you?"  
Paladin Danse slowly moves his leg to turn so I wouldn't fall, and clears his throat. "I know this may sound like a strange question, but tell me...what do you think about Scribe Haylen?"  
I stand and brush myself off. "She's as dedicated as they come. A real team player."  
"I couldn't agree more. But I wasn't looking for an evaluation of her performance as a scribe, I wanted to know what you thought of Haylen...as a person." I smile and jump at the chance to tease Danse. "So there is a heart beating under all that armor after all." I give the chest of his power armor a few pats to accentuate my point. It works like a charm, and Danse flusters. "I s-suppose I deserved that. I just don't normally find these discussions easy to handle, so I try to avoid them at all costs."  
"You just need to approach it like you do battle, Danse. You never avoid a field op, no matter how hard to handle they are. This stuff just takes the same principle of approach."  
"This isn't about my tactical efficiency, or... _social_ efficiency, either. Since you and I are getting along so well, I felt like I could confide in you about it...to get your honest opinion. The truth is, I'm worried about her. A few months before you found us, one of my men was shot multiple times by Raiders. Haylen stayed by that Knight's side for two days straight without sleep fighting to keep him alive...but he was on a slow decline. I decided that his suffering needed to end and ordered Haylen to administer an overdose of painkillers so he could die with dignity. Even though I'm certain she wanted to continue fighting for that Knight's life, she injected him without question. "  
"It sounds like Haylen was simply following your orders."  
"Of course she was, Haylen's never been insubordinate. But the decision whether or not to ease that soldier's suffering isn't the point here. The point is what happened later that same evening. Haylen approached me while I was on watch. She didn't say a word, but I could tell something was wrong. After what felt like an eternity, she collapsed into my arms, crying. I...didn't know what to do, so I just held her for a while. A few minutes later, she stopped, kissed me on the cheek and simply said 'thank you' before heading back into the police station. Right then it hit me...maybe I pushed her too hard. I ordered her to ignore her instincts. To do something her medical training told her was wrong. That's why I'm worried about her...and for that matter, everyone under my command.  
Danse's face showed no hint of regret and I know why - Danse stands by every order he's ever given. If he wouldn't stand by them after the fact, he wouldn't give them in the first place. But there's something else in Danse's eyes - something I can't quite put my finger on, but looks far too close to pain than makes me strictly comfortable.  
"Haylen will be fine. It's you that I'm worried about."  
"Me? I...I see what you're getting at. I guess I never thought of it that way. Look, four soldiers...over half my team, are gone. Each one of them died because of decisions that I made. I understand the risks that come with the job, we all do. But how can anyone have confidence in me anymore? Hell, how can I have confidence in myself?"  
"The way you held Haylen tells me you care about them. Everything you do tells me you care about them, Danse. And they care about you. Would...would it make you feel better if I told you I believed in you, Danse? Because I do. I believe in you."  
"I...I never thought of it that way. And yes, it does." Danse smiles, and the pain in his eyes is gone. He makes eye contact with me and my heart leaps into my throat. "Well, it looks like things have taken a turn. I signed up to be your sponsor so I teach you everything that I know, but it looks like I'm the one that needed the lesson today. All joking aside, I'm pleased that we had this discussion and with all the problems you're facing, you still took the time to listen. It's comforting to know I can speak to you as more than just your commanding officer."  
I break the eye contact for a moment, staring at the insignia on Danse's chest. He takes the time to polish it when he can, and I can tell he loves nothing more than he loves the Brotherhood, and the people he has under his care. But out of all his underlings - he took me under his wing, and almost as soon as he met me, at that.  
"Does this mean you'd be there to hold _me_ if _I_ ever needed it?"  
Danse looks like a deer in the headlights, and I can't help but think it's cute look for him.  "It would depend...on the circumstances, but I suppose we'll just have to see what happens when the time comes. A-anyway, thanks for letting me get that off my shoulders. I think it's been weighing on me more than I realised. I'm just sorry you had to see me at my worst - instead of at my best."  
I resist the urge to tell him seeing him at both is kind of the point behind 'with you through thick and thin', but I think I've teased him enough today. The pilot turns to tell us it's safe enough now to take off, and I position myself back at the minigun as we lift and head back to the Prydwen.

* * *

  
Danse and I drop our Power Armor suits off at the Airport for cleansing, again. Back inside Danse's quarters, there's a companionable silence and it feels good. It feels good to be around Danse. I feel like he's my source of stability - much like Nora had been, before. I think of the time I've spent with Danse thus far - and it occurs to me, whilst he has told me many different things about himself, and his past, and what brought him here, the only thing I've confided in Danse is the truth about my identity and a few memories I had with Nora. It's about time to change that.  
"Paladin Danse?"  
Danse turns around from scrubbing his hood with radiation removing cleanser and puts it down on the steamer trunk at the foot of his bed. "What is it, soldier?"  
"I wanted to thank you. You've confided a lot in me over the time we've spent together, and I realise I haven't told you a lot about myself or where I came from, but it hasn't deterred you at all. You've let me regroup and recover from my wife's death at my own pace, and you haven't raised a single doubt against my loyalty to the Brotherhood even when considering my alternative reason for bringing down the Institute; my son, Shaun. You've put so much faith in me and you've laid your life on the line more than once to protect and help me. Thank you."  
Danse seems taken by surprise, and stammers for a moment. It wasn't my intention to fluster him this time, but it's still nice to see. "Well, you've earned my faith fairly, and while you're an excellent soldier that has far exceeded anything expected of the average Brotherhood unit, you're still human. Your wife's death, and the loss of your son to the Institute...you've handled your personal tragedy the same way you handle everything else, it seems. With a bottomless reserve of strength and integrity. You're a true soldier, and it's an honor to have fought by your side."  
"Thanks again, Danse, I appreciate it, but I wasn't fishing for compliments. I honestly couldn't have made it this far without you. The reason my strength and integrity seems so bottomless is because I've had you by my side this entire time, and you've given me unwavering support." I take a few steps forward to close the space between us and wrap my arms around Danse's shoulders. He stiffens like he was just shot, and I can hear him inhale sharply. "It's just a hug, Danse. Relax." I pat him on the back and give him a smile, hoping I haven't misread our relationship and overstepped my bounds. He relaxes, and his features soften. It's awkward for a split moment before he wraps his arms back around me and returns the hug. When we break apart, he's smiling, and I'm quietly glad I haven't embarrassed myself for the umpteenth time in his presence.  
Danse finishes cleansing his gear of radiation, and while he goes down to the Airport to pick his suit back up, I head to Maxson's usual spot on the command deck, armed with the folder and holotapes Virgil had given me. As I approach Maxson he turns his head slightly to acknowledge my presence, gazing out over the field exercise below. His eyes aren't darting around, doing calculations and running through tactics - he must be thinking about something else. "Guess what, sir - this is your lucky day. I have a way inside." Maxson immediately turns around, and is silent as he reviews the data I've brought him. The grocery list of items we'll need to build it is steep, and that fact isn't lost on the Elder. "The method is useless without the means to make it work. Now, indulge me for a moment by satisfying my curiosity. Tell me why you're so eager to get into the Institute."  
"I- I was under the impression Danse had informed you about my past, sir."  
"Yes, a Vault dweller. Vault 111. You were in a cryostasis before being woken in a daze two hundred years after the bombs had dropped, and under 12 hours later, you managed to stumble upon the distress call Paladin Danse's team had been transmitting. After assisting him with the infestation at the police station and your field operation in acquiring the Deep Range Transmitter, you traveled to Diamond City and connected with sources to track down and kill a mercenary that had been working for the Institute in an effort to find your missing son, who has been taken by them. Paladin Danse had me aware in your vested interest to infiltrate the Institute before I had personally spoken with you. Was there something he had omitted?"  
"Uh, no. Not really. That's the gist of it. I want to find and rescue my son, and I honestly believe the Brotherhood of Steel is the only faction in the Commonwealth capable of taking down the Institute and securing the safety of it's inhabitants. Was there some other reason you were expecting?"  
Maxson gauged me up and down and nodded. "No. Together, we'll make them pay for their crimes. I'll call ahead and brief Proctor Ingram. Report to the airport and get to work on your project right away."  
"Ad Victoriam, sir." I salute Elder Maxson and turn to leave. Danse is there to greet me when I land at the Airport, and leads me to where Ingram is. Ingram and I spend the day going over the schematics and she has me all over the place fetching and gathering materials. After several hours of Danse and I working on the Reflector Platform, she walks over with water and a tube of potato crisps I am all too eager to enjoy.  
"You done building that Reflector Platform yet?"  
"I glued a bunch of parts together and hoped for the best. Good enough?"  
"Hey, you're the one that's going to be standing on the thing. If it blows up, it's going to hurt you a lot more than it'll hurt me."  
"Fair point. Yeah, it should be fully built."  
"Good. Here's the list of the next thing we need - I know some of that may as well be in Greek, so I'll be around if you have any questions." Ingram then wanders off back to the drawing table. I sit on the platform to finish my treat while Danse drinks the water.  
It takes us several days to build everything, but once it's finished, I'm pumped. I can't stop smiling as I spent a good two hours wiring everything together. I had already harassed Teagan about getting me some more shotgun shells and Stimpaks, and he'd delivered - I was fully loaded and prepared to dive headfirst not just into the front lines, but directly into the heart of the enemy. I was awash with the idea of seeing my son's face for the first time in two hundred fucking years. When I looked up from wiring the last piece, I'd realised Danse had taken the time to bring my Power Armor and supplies down from the Prydwen for me, and had them standing by. I went to thank him but was stopped by Elder Maxson.  
He looked intimidating with the blue light of the electricity crackling behind him. "Remarkable work, Knight. The Signal Interceptor appears to be complete. Are you ready to put it to the test?"  
"Lab right, standing by!" I give him a playful grin, but he doesn't budge. "All of us are aware of the risks you're taking and we salute you. That being said.." Elder Maxson went into detail explaining the background behind my mission. I was meant to return a "Doctor Li" to the Brotherhood, and I committed every word to memory.  
"I'm well aware you're risking your life going to the Institute blind. Just keep your mind on the mission, and don't let anything they say sway you from your duty. Good luck." Maxson saluted me proudly, and Danse followed suit. I stepped into my Power Armor and gathered my things as I shuffled through all the things I needed to remember. Find Doctor Li. Convince her to come back to the Brotherhood and god willing, work on Maxson's extra special weaponry - and find and return my son. Doctor Li was easy enough, and my plan was to find her first and use her knowledge of the Institute and it's inner workings to help me locate and escape with Shaun.  
I step onto the platform as Ingram fires it up, and I hear Maxson tell me to refrain from firing inside the Institute unless absolutely necessary. Danse just tells me to be careful. Ingram hands me a holotape to insert into a terminal - another thing to remember, but I'm sure I won't forget. I'm not carrying much besides ammunition and stimpaks on this mission. The classical music amps up into a crescendo as Ingram's status updates are drowned out by the sound of wind in my ears. My eyes close at the sheer brightness of the blue and white light that surrounds me at the sound of a crack of electricity, and suddenly I'm in another place entirely. It's quiet, and as my vision focuses, I realise I'm in a round room with a single doorway.  
I head into the room gripping Homewrecker, ready to face any security or threat in my way. The whole place is empty and I wonder momentarily if I've teleported into an unused section of their facility. I spot a terminal and insert Ingram's holotape, watching my surroundings carefully as the terminal beeps and whirrs as it downloads all their most sensitive data onto the tape. Ha. Bastards. I stuff the tape safely into my armor and continue down a hall as the intercom crackles to life above me.  
"Hello. I wondered if you might make it here. You're quite resourceful. I am known as Father; the Institute is under my guidance. I know why you're here. I'd like to discuss things with you, face-to-face. Please, step into the elevator." The elevator slides neatly open. I check my surroundings and cautiously step in. The man's voice is smooth, and silky. It reminds me vaguely of how I'd sounded before I enlisted, and the shouting on the battlefield made my voice so sandpapery. As it begins to descend, I keep my grip on Homewrecker and wonder idly which reason he's so sure I'm here for. For Shaun, or for Doctor Li?  
"I can only imagine what you've heard, what you think of us. I'd like to show you that you may have...the wrong impression." The elevator is glass, and as the walls surrounding the elevator pod halt, I'm suddenly surrounded by an enormous atrium. There's greenery I haven't seen in so, so long - and people. People and synths - perhaps only synths, but you can't really tell if some synths are truly human or not.  
"Welcome to the Institute. This is the reality of the Institute. This place, these people, the work we do." I look around and I see white - clean, sterile, white walls. It's truly a beautiful place, but what goes on is far less glamorous than I'm sure he'd like me to believe. Virgil is proof of that. "For over a hundred years, we've dedicated ourselves to humanity's survival. Decades of research, countless experiments and trials...A shared vision of how science can help shape the future. It has never been easy, and our actions are often misinterpreted by those above ground." The elevator ducks back into a pillar of concrete, blocking my view of everything, and stops. "Someday, perhaps, we can show them what we've accomplished. But for now, we must remain underground. There's too much at stake here to risk it all. As you've seen, things above are..unstable. I'd like to talk to you about what we can do... for everyone."  
I start becoming distinctly uncomfortable at the emphasis placed on 'we'. "But that can wait. You are here for a very specific, very personal reason. You are here for your son." So Shaun is the reason he's aware of. I idly wonder if that's going to make it easier to find Li or harder to find Shaun. I round a corner and step into another elevator, pressing the little red button. I ascend a few floors and step out to see a small living area inside some glass - and a little boy inside it. Shaun. I sprint over and try the control panel, but it denies me any access. My mind races as I try to figure out a way I can remove him from this stupid, tiny prison they've placed him in.  
"Shaun?"  
The boy stands up and faces me. "Huh? Yes...I'm Shaun." My heart breaks as I stare into his eyes. "God damn them. So many years stolen. It's okay, I'm here. Daddy's here."  
"Who...who are you?"  
"I'm your father. Your real father. I've come to rescue you. Don't worry little man, I've got you now. You're safe. It's okay. Come on, Shaun. We need to go. I'm getting you away from here."  
"Father? What's going on? What's happening?" My heart starts to pound so hard my vision blurs. I desperately try different codes, but none of them work. My son calls pathetically for me, and my paternal instincts hit overdrive. "What can I do? How do I get you out of there?"  
"I don't know you! Go away! Father! Father, help me, there's someone here! Please help me!" Shaun continues to call for 'Father' and my hands go still against the pad. My heart is still ramming against my ribcage, but all the heat is gone now. My body goes cold. I realise he never meant me, he meant the Institute's Father. I feel my limbs becoming weak as he begs 'Father' to not let me take him. A door opens and a man who is a spitting image of myself, without the vitiligo and scarring, steps inside.  
"Shaun...S9-23 Recall Code Cirrus." The boy in the glass slumps as his synth nature is revealed. Acid rises in my throat, and my body heats again, this time in fury, as I step around the glass to address the man who had just fooled me. The man who had played with me. Last mistake. He rumbles on about the experiment with the child just now, and how he was disappointed in the child's responses.  
"Please, try and keep an open mind. I recognize that you are emotional, and that your journey here has been fraught with challenges. Let's start anew. I am Father. Welcome to the Institute."  
"Who the fuck do you think you are? I am not an Institute toy. I could kill you. Right here, right now." I grip Homewrecker so tight my knuckles turn white. My finger itches to pull the trigger and watch this Institute piece of shit splatter across the wall. But it occurs to me he knows where Shaun is, and likely, no-one else does.  
"I want answers, asshole. Now."  
"Under the circumstances I will forgive your...vulgarity. But I need you to realise that this...situation...is far more complicated that you could have imagined. You have traveled very far, and suffered a great deal, to find your son. Well, your tenacity and dedication have been rewarded. It's good to finally meet you after all this time. It's me." Father's voice cracks. "I'm Shaun."  
"Bullshit."  
"Is it? After all the things you've seen and experienced in the Commonwealth? Think about it. In the Vault, you had no concept of the passage of time. You were released from your pod, and went searching for the son you'd lost. But then you learned that your son was no longer an infant, but a ten year old boy. You believed that ten years had passed. Is it really so hard to accept that it was not ten, but _sixty_ years? _That_ is the reality."  
I try so hard not to believe him, but it occurs to me that I'm lying to myself. I begin to pace the floor, gripping my hair in my hands. Tears overwhelm my sight. My world crumbles around me. "This can't be fucking happening. Why? Why take a damned child? Why take you?"  
"Ah - now that's the question, isn't it? 'Why me?' At that time, 2227, the Institute had made great strides in synth production. But it was never enough. Scientific curiosity, the goal of perfection, drove them ever onward. What they wanted was the perfect machine. So they followed the best example thus far - the human being. Walking, talking, fully articulate...Capable of anything." I started to feel sick. That angry kind of sick that makes you wish you could vomit corrosives. Scientific fucking curiosity stole any chance I would ever have of raising my son from me? Institute assholes killed my wife in pursuit of what, a synthetic version of something that already fucking existed? Oh god, _Nora_. Shaun must have mistaken my grief for anything but and went on about how the Institute needed human DNA untampered by radiation. They found Vault 111 records and used Shaun to create every humanlike synth out there today. The image Jenny's blood tainting every surface of the supply closet runs through my head, and I realised that day I had shot a little bit of Shaun.  
I reached out to touch Shaun, but stopped. It felt wrong. It felt as though the moment my hand would touch him, my entire existence would be razed to the ground. "Shaun, your mother. Nora. You should have seen her, she was so beautiful. She never got to see you grow up. She'd be happy you turned out to look a lot like me, before the Navy." I felt her loss ache in my chest. The expressions I'd expected, any expression at all from Shaun - they just weren't there.  
"Yes, what happened to her...I've gone over the records of the incident, of course. It seems her death was an unfortunate bit of collateral damage." My grief and despair twisted into something horrible. I felt bloodthirsty. I'd never let anyone talk about my wife that way, least of all my son. "Collateral damage? Was that all she fucking meant to you?"  
Shaun looks unimpressed and unmoved. "I forgot that it's been such a short time for you. I don't have any direct memories and I've had my entire life to cope with the loss. But she hardly matters. What matters now is that you and I have a chance to _begin again_."  
"You can't just insult Nora's death like that and move on. I've heard _enough_ , Shaun."  
"Please, listen. The Institute is on the verge of some important breakthoughs. Your presence would be appreciated as we approach them. I've been a part of something amazing here. I've helped to build a life for myself and the people of the Institute..and now after all these years, you have an opportunity to help with that. Doesn't that intrigue you? Isn't that what you want?"  
Homewrecker feels heavy in my hands, and my thumb ghosts over the Brotherhood insignia Danse and I carved proudly into it. Everything Danse and I had seen the synths do, the wreckage they left behind. "You built a life for the people of the Institute by sending your synths to destroy the lives of those that live above it. You're asking me to be there for your breakthroughs like what...like soccer tryouts? _Graduation_? We're _so_ far past that, Shaun. I can't be a part of this. I _won't_ be a part of this."  
"Why? Because of the reputation of the Institute? The Institute can provide a better life than anything above ground. You've been in the Commonwealth. You've seen what it's like. I assure you that you are better off with us."  
"That sounds great, Shaun, but it's not just my own fucking life I'm concerned about. There are so many other people up there - fighting to survive every single day against raiders, super mutants, ferals - yeah, I've seen what it's like. I've seen people who need help. People who need the resources and know-how you have here in the Institute to keep people safe. But your Institute has forsaken them for no reason. Gutted and tortured them."  
"What about those people you've aided in order to get here? What atrocities have they committed? The Brotherhood of Steel. They believe they're the only ones fit to control technology, and destroy anyone who opposes them. And you would side with _them_? None have any true claim to nobility in this world. Those days are gone. But we are not the monsters we have been cast as. I simply ask that you give the Institute...that you give _me_ a chance. We really do have humanity's best interest at heart."  
My blood boils when the Brotherhood of Steel rolls off his tongue, spoken in venom and hatred. "Them? Those people? Do you understand what _this_ means?" I pat my hand a little harder than intended against the insignia on my power armor's chest, and the metal-on-metal echoes, punctuating it. " _We_. I am part of the Brotherhood of Steel, Shaun. Proudly. You assume we do what we do for personal gain, or we just don't like to share. People have committed unspeakable atrocities with the levels of technology that they use - that they can't control. People like you, Shaun. We confiscate that technology and destroy anyone who is willing to stop us from preventing another fucking _apocalypse_. That sounds _pretty fucking noble_ to me. And in the process, the Brotherhood has stopped untold casualties before they've happened. And we'll continue to do so. We may be a little heavy handed, but you - you and your fucking _Institute_. Claiming the higher ground over the Brotherhood whilst you kidnap people from their homes and replace them with your robots? Sweep through towns, your synths killing everything in their wake and stripping it dry? I refuse to be a part of your hypocritical campaign for 'a better life underground.' You're Vault-Tec all over again, and we both know how _that_ turned out."  
Shaun frowns and looks me up and down, his eyes fixating and narrowing on the Brotherhood of Steel insignia on my chest. "I'm sorry to hear that. Truly, I am. I had hoped we could work together, but every man must make his own decisions. If you choose to leave, I cannot force you to stay. Understand though, that I cannot allow you to remain within the Institute. You may have safe passage back to the Relay where you will be sent back to the surface, but from that point, you must be considered hostile. I am sorry. I must think first of the safety of the Institute, and in the cruel world that has developed, those who are not with us are against us." His words have some bite, and his eyes are alight with hatred for me. I can tell I've angered him, but he still bites his tongue and responds coldly.  
"Those who are not with us are against us? And you call the Brotherhood bad. I'll burn this place to the ground, Shaun. I'll watch it crumble apart around you. Mark my words. You're dead to me." The door closes between us and I'm locked in the room with the fake 10 year old boy I had believed was my son moments ago. It turns out my son died a long time ago.

* * *

  
The moment I stepped off the Vertibird onto the flight deck, I fell to my knees. At least, I think I did. I felt like I was watching myself throw up over the edge as a Knight ran over and dragged me inside to a power armor dock and got me out of my armor. I felt so weak, and my legs refused to support my weight. I tried to tell the Knight I was fine and she didn't need to worry, but my voice wouldn't obey me. I couldn't bring my self to make a sound.  
I heard the Knight shouting as she laid me gently on the floor, and power armor footsteps creating a cacophony as someone sprinted over. I looked up, feeling like the world was spinning, into Paladin Danse's face. He looked so concerned, and kept saying something, over and over. The ringing in my ears I hadn't even noticed was there faded away as I gripped onto one of the handles on the front of his armor, trying to sit up and failing pathetically. "Wh-what, Danse? I'm sorry, what were you asking?" Oh, there's my voice.  
Knight-Captain Cade sprinted over and knelt beside me, checking my vitals. I could feel all my pain wash away. I didn't feel anything anymore. I didn't feel afraid, or happy, or sad. I didn't feel Shaun or Nora. I didn't feel Danse.  
"Were you injured? Did they inject you with something, or perhaps were you knocked out for any amount of time?"  
"Never fired a single round. Spic and span, doc." My voice was as smooth and emotionless as Shaun's had been. "Found Shaun, though." Danse ceased checking me over and stared at me in shock, and slowly began to comprehend the situation. He dismissed the people that had gathered around us and exchanged looks with Cade. "He's in shock, Danse. We need to get him someplace safe. There's no telling what he could do to himself or others in this kind of condition." I couldn't bring myself to give a damn about it. Danse picked me up and carried me, following Cade to the medical wing. The warmth felt good. Danse's arms felt good.  
The minute the sterile smell of the medical wing hit me, my emotions came flooding back like broiling lava. The intensity of everything around me overwhelmed me completely. I screamed in Danse's arms and kicked hard, smashing my fist into his jaw. He dropped me to the floor and gripped his face in pain, and Cade stuck me with a needle before I could get to my feet. All the anger pooled in my arms and I rammed Cade against the bulkhead wall. "What the fuck did you just do to me!?"  
Danse threw his arms around me, and held me tightly against the chest of his power armor. It was hopeless to fight his strength in that suit, and whatever Cade had done was working. I felt all my strength drain away, but my mind was still going at a hundred miles an hour. My hands kept slipping on his armor with sweat as he lowered me to the floor. Blood splattered on my nose, and in the back of my mind I realised it was Danse's, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was just watching myself thrash more and more slowly as the sedative worked. I tried to scream again, but my voice again refused to obey me.  
I watched my world fade into darkness, broken and sobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next set of chapters will be put up when they're polished.


	7. Unhinged

I woke up feeling like I was hit by a train. I tried to sit up, but I had straps holding me down, and I couldn't see anything but black no matter how much I blinked. When I tried to speak, an ugly, hoarse rasping came out instead. I heard voices talking, but I had to strain to make them out. Everything was so muffled, like I was underwater, or in another room with a pillow over my head.  
" ~~He's awake again, Cade. How are his vitals~~?"  
" ~~They're fine. His heart rate is only slightly elevated. I think we might have him this time. Don't ask him any questions that aren't absolutely necessary.~~ " My hearing cleared away as Cade took off a cloth he'd tied around my head to block my senses. I blinked a few times to clear my eyes and looked around me. I was in Danse's quarters, on the other side of the room from his bed. My sleeping bag had been replaced with a field stretcher, of which I was tied to.  
Danse and Cade were on either side of me, gauging my expressions. Danse's jaw had an ugly purple bruise mottled with yellow, and his lip was busted wide open, with two stitches holding it together. His eyes were baggy and tired, like he hadn't slept in days. Cade didn't look nearly as bad as Danse did.  
Cade untied the straps on my throat and chest and gave me some water so I could try to speak. It took a few tries. I felt like I had once in the Navy, where I'd spent two days screaming over the sound of mortar fire. "Danse?" My voice was raspy and went in and out, but it was there. "Who hurt you?" I wanted to know what the hell happened to Danse and why I couldn't remember a _fucking thing_ since Maxson gave me my orders for the Institute.  
Danse smiled, and took the straps off of my arms, much to Cade's protest. "It's not important." When he spoke, I saw he'd lost a tooth, and it had been replaced with one slightly whiter than the rest of them. "Your tooth. Danse, what the hell? Who hurt you? It _is_ important." My voice faded less the more I talked, but it felt like swallowing gravel. Danse winced. "Is it that obvious?"  
Cade spoke up. "Anyway, how do you feel?"  
"Like I fell of the Prydwen, at least four times, screaming the whole way down. What happened, Cade? Why the fuck am I strapped down?" Cade opened his mouth to reply, but he was interrupted by something scratching at the door.  
The sound nearly had me out of my skin. Danse immediately threw his arms around me and held me against him, restraining me. Cade was preparing a sedative. " _Whoa_ , what the hell did I do? That's really not necessary Cade _please_ get that _the fuck away from me_! Danse, get off, I swear I will hurt you!" Danse slowly loosened his grip. Cade put the sedative away and checked my eyes with a flashlight.  
"He's fine. He has it together, now. I really think he's out of the woods, Danse." The scratching turned more insistent and Cade got up to open it. Dogmeat walked in and sat down between my legs, laying his head over my thigh, looking perhaps a little guilty.  
I stroked Dogmeat's head. His soft fur never ceases to be a comfort. " _Out of the woods_? What the hell happened to me?" Danse took my arm and showed me a series of pinhole bruises, at least 7 of them. Injection marks. My blood ran cold and I pulled my left arm to check my Pip-boy. It had been three days.  
"Okay, fuck this. I want some answers, god damn it. _Now_. What happened? Why have I been out for three days and why can't I remember anything since Elder Maxson gave me my orders for the Institute?"  
Cade sighed and started going through his bag as he spoke. "It's an aftereffect of mental shock, or acute stress reaction. Something happened in the Institute that has traumatized you. It must have been pretty bad after everything you've been through. It takes a lot to put someone into shock like that. You were in and out for a few days. Danse stayed with you the entire time."  
Danse leaned over to give Dogmeat a pat. "All we know is you told us you never fired a single round and you had found Shaun. But you didn't come back with anyone. All of your ammunition and stimpaks were still there and there wasn't a scratch on you."  
"Great. I feel like I should hire Nick again to unravel this mystery. What can we do to get my memory back? Should I go to the memory den?"  
"That won't be necessary. Do you use chems at all, Knight?"  
"Uh. No, not at all. Not except stimpaks, anyway. Why?"  
Cade pulled a tin of orange Mentats out of his bag. "You're going to need to start. The increased mental capacity Mentats will grant you should break down that inner wall." I nodded and took the tin, cracking the it open and taking the whole bunch. Cade looked at me like I was crazy as I chewed them.  
"You were only supposed to take a few, Knight. Not the entire tin at once."  
"Well maybe you should have put a label on my new prescription, Doc."  
"Feel anything?"  
"No. Why do people take these? They taste like a moldy orange that's been in a freezer for thirty years."  
My whole world started to spin. After five minutes, I was laying on Danse, giggling over a joke about a milking stool Nora told me, once. Cade took out a bottle of antiseptic. "We're going to have to trigger a response. I'm sorry, for this. Danse?"  
Danse gripped me tightly against his chest, restraining my arms. It felt awfully nice to be pressed against him like this, but perhaps better in different circumstances. Cade took the cap off the antiseptic. My nose burned and my heart started pounding rapidly in my chest. I started to panic, and I had no idea why.  
Then everything came flooding back. Walking through the Institute's barren, sterile hallways, seeing Shaun - discovering the synth child. It was a burning in my head, and in the back of my eyes, like someone had lit a match in my skull. The dirty, chalky citrus taste of the Mentats faded with the explosion of memories and I sagged against Danse, tears already forming. The Mentat high only made it worse. My head was hammering and the Mentats were forcing me to pour over every detail, absorb every piece of information.  
"Soldier?"  
I jerked away from Danse and stood, pacing the floor. My legs felt like jelly and it took a few turns to walk steady. Cade excused himself and ducked out the door. Danse just sat there staring at me. I felt angry tears spill over, hot on my cheeks, and I couldn't stop myself. I sank to my knees, racked with sobs. Shaun was dead. My infant son was _murdered_ with my wife that day, and replaced with something awful. _A monster._  
My hands were pushing the tears out of my eyes, smearing them over my face and through my hair. Danse was quiet and spoke softly. "What happened in the Institute?"  
My stomach lurched as though I'd smelled a long forgotten corpse. My voice was wavering in and out with hitched breath. "My son is a monster. I was out for sixty years after- after they took him. He's the Director of the Institute, Danse. He played with me like a toy, he-...he called Nora collateral." Danse shifted gingerly over and wrapped his arms around me. I expected him to push me away, to think I'd side with Shaun - but no. Danse understood. It was Cutler all over again. A dearly beloved turned into a creature.  
A creature that needed to be put down.  
I gripped at Danse's uniform and screamed in frustration and anguish, curling in on myself. My whole body was tense with anxiety and pain. I just wanted to fucking hit something. "I'll kill them all, Danse. _Every_ last fucking synth in the Commonwealth!"  
Danse held me tighter.

* * *

  
It had taken a few hours, but I'd managed to calm myself into the same kind of suppressed rage I'd felt when I went after Kellogg. Nothing was going to stop me from razing the Institute to the fucking ground. Not my own body and mind, not the Minutemen, not the Railroad, and certainly not the Institute. Shaun would die and I would be the one to do it.  
Maxson received word of my recollection and personally invited me to his quarters to discuss it. I wasn't looking forward to a dressing-down. To say I'd failed my mission was an understatement. I didn't even try. It was understandable considering the circumstances, but nobody knows that but Danse, now. I knocked on Maxson's door, and what I saw when he'd opened it surprised me. He'd prepared my favourite cigarettes and plenty of booze to commemorate my recovery. There was even a few boxes of Fancy Lads.  
"Why, Maxson, you shouldn't have. I didn't know you were the fancy dinner date type."  
"I don't fraternise, Knight. It would be an insult to my position and my lineage. I do however take care of my soldiers."  
"Charmer. I bet you don't do this for every wounded animal that comes blundering and puking onto the flight deck." I walked in and sat heavily in one of the wooden chairs, slumping into it. It was easily 3 or 4 in the morning, and I wasn't going to get much work done tonight anyway. Might as well enjoy Maxson's pampering. "How'd you know what my favourite cigarettes were?"  
"Lucky guess."  
I stared at him, shocked. Did Maxson just make a joke? I looked at the packet of ' _Lucky Guess_ ' cigarettes and then back at him. Maxson ignored my reaction, sat down, and poured us both a tall glass of whiskey. Glasses were rare in the wasteland, so all he had on hand were pint glasses. Not that I gave a shit. Shots were never my thing. I rarely drank, but when I did, it was all or nothing. Some things never change.  
I tapped the packet on the table before sliding one out and lighting it. I put my feet up on the lower end of the table, grabbing my glass as I sat back. Maxson looked very unimpressed with my less-than-formal posture. "Comfortable, Knight?"  
"Very, thanks. What did you invite me here for if you're not going to passive-aggressively lecture me on decorum and jump down my throat about my mission? Surely it's not to 'take care of me.' I mean come on Maxson, you don't throw a booze-and-cigarettes party for every Knight that comes back unhinged from a completely failed mission."  
"No, but these are special circumstances. I make it a point to visit our wounded in the infirmary. They spilled blood in my name, under my orders."  
"I didn't spill anything."  
"You spilled a different kind of blood. That's the only difference. You came back wounded, just not physically. Regardless, it's semantics. As for your mission, I was hoping on receiving your report in person and make my judgement afterwards. Considering the circumstances of your illness upon returning, it only seems the fair and logical way to proceed. I wish I didn't have to push you, considering your mental state, but the Institute is on high alert and you are clearly to blame. I need answers, Knight."  
Maxson slid the pen and paper towards me and ignored the exasperated sigh I let out. "Sir. With all due respect, I'm not a lunatic. Some serious shit happened, yeah, but in the wasteland you have two options: get the fuck over it or die. I picked the former option. I'm not at a hundred percent, but I'm not going to roll over and lick my wounds for a week while more people get hurt." In a stubborn show of confidence and ability, I sat straight and dutifully penned down the entire report.  
Reliving it was more torturous than I thought. Every time I tried to recall what happened piece by piece, my head throbbed and my throat felt like someone stomped on it. My body burned with anger by the time I was finished. I pushed the paper back to him a little too hard, and it fluttered to the floor at his feet. I elected to ignore my mistake and drown myself with booze. Hopefully that was the last time I ever have to relive it.  
I had gotten through most of the glass by the time he'd finished reading. He just put the report down on the table and sat heavily in his own seat.  
"You invited me here to prove you give a shit, right Maxson? About your soldiers and what they do in your name? But it wasn't in your name. Not that I wouldn't have gladly stormed out with Doctor Li, and not that I didn't have every intention of doing just that - but I was mostly there for Shaun. I didn't and don't give a shit about Doctor Li. So why bother with the generosity? I didn't do anything for you. I didn't sacrifice anything."  
Maxson looked angry. I had no idea why, because I was a little drunk, but that didn't make him any less angry. Maxson stood to address me. "I don't take care of my soldiers because they complete objectives. The Brotherhood is not a collection of pawns here to do my bidding, receiving cheap rewards for giving me what I want. I take care of my soldiers because we are all here fighting together to do the right thing. They are all still my soldiers and they are all still under my protection. That includes you. I don't need to prove to you or anyone that I care deeply for everyone under my command. Our relentless pursuit of our goals should be proof enough."  
"What, so all of this" -I gestured to the table, with cakes and booze and cigarettes- "is for what, exactly? So you can-...." I said angrily, but as the words died on my tongue, I couldn't remember why I was angry. "So it's like a birthday."  
Maxson looked extremely confused, and his expression made me laugh. I felt empty inside, given recent events, but I laughed anyway. "Do people in the Commonwealth still celebrate birthdays?"  
"Not personally, but I know what they are, if that's what you're asking."  
"My family never did. It's not that my parents were cruel or anything, I loved my family. But my mom didn't believe in giving people gifts just for being alive. It's only when I had my first birthday with Nora did I ever understand what they were actually for."

* * *

  
_I woke up at 8 AM on the dot to the sight of Nora kissing me stupid. I was still half-asleep and grinning like an idiot when she'd finally lifted away. She was in summer shorts and a nice t-shirt, straddling my hips. "Good morning, Vinny. Guess what day it is?"_  
_"My lucky day? I don't know. Can you wake me up like this every morning?"_  
_"How can you not know?" She giggled at me and drummed on my chest. "Come on, get up. I have so many things planned." I blinked. I really had no idea what day it was, or what made it special at all. "It's not our anniversary today, that's for sure. Come on, Nora, what's so great about today?"_  
_Nora's smile dropped. "You're not serious, are you Vinny?" Her smile lifted again and she laughed. "Come on, stop playing. You had me worried." I lunged forward and kissed her fervently, pulling away when she was breathless. "I hope that makes it better because darling, I honestly, seriously have no idea what you're talking about."_  
_She pursed her lips and pouted at me. "You've never celebrated your birthday? That's something I didn't know."_  
_"Oh. No. Mom never liked birthdays. She always said people shouldn't be rewarded just for being alive another year. Dad didn't like to argue with her a lot, and it wasn't vital - I mean we lived good lives and we were good kids." Nora's face twisted into a bit of offense. "Just for being alive another year? That's not what birthdays are about at all, Vinny. Is that really what she taught you?"_  
_"Yeah, I guess. I mean what else could it be for?"_  
_Nora slid off my lap and got comfortable laying on top of my chest instead, playing with the buttons on my nightwear shirt. "Well, your birthday is the day you were born, right? It's the day you came into this world. People give you gifts and play games and celebrate on the day you were born because you mean something to them. That's what birthdays are about. The people that love you pamper you because they're grateful you're here with them." She kissed my cheek and gave me one of her warm, genuine smiles that made my heart melt._

* * *

  
"So that's what this is for. You're grateful for my service and my recovery. Whether I failed a mission or not, I still went through an ordeal. The means of which doesn't matter - I'm still your Knight and you still care."  
Maxson was quiet. He had long since sat back down in his seat, and had made eye contact throughout my story. Only now he looked away, leaving me with that as his answer. I felt a pang in my heart. If only I could get Danse to show he cared, like this. He does every day, from letting me stay in his quarters to eating dinner with me nightly, to letting me use his power armor as a fucking shield in battle - but there's just something special to a sentimental gesture like this. Like a birthday.  
"Get drunk with me." It was more of a command than a request, but he didn't look as though he minded very much. I pushed Maxson's glass towards him. He looked at it, as though measuring his options, and then took the whole glass in one. It was almost a pint of straight whiskey, right down the hatch. I couldn't help but stare at him, mouth opening and closing like a guppy, half expecting him to fall over dead.  
"What? Did people in your time not drink like they meant it?"

* * *

  
I was woken up by Maxson before he left for the day. He said something about making myself presentable, as he leaves the door to his quarters open. I made myself at least marginally presentable, given the enormous hangover, and left. Danse and I headed down to the airport to greet Proctor Ingram. I handed over the data I'd retrieved from the Institute. I almost forgot about it. Ingram assigned us a new task - she needs some "Professor Scara" to help her build a giant robot, and she seemed concerned and almost offended at how quickly I had agreed and left.  
Normally, I would be much more excited about using an enormous robot to take down the Institute - but each step I take is a reminder that I'm now fighting a war against my own son. The son I had fought so hard to find and rescue. The enormous loss was still raw in my heart and I felt like a chunk of my soul had been ripped away. On one hand, there was the emptiness. An emotionless void that was beckoning me to fall into it. To give up on feeling anymore and just succumb to oblivion. I wanted to save him, I wanted so badly for him to be my little boy - to raise him. The disappointment upon facing the fact that it will never, ever happen - it's almost too much to bear. A part of me wants to stop feeling entirely. Give up.  
On the other hand, there was the burning anger. A raw, pulsating rage that made me want to rip someone's throat out with my fucking teeth. How dare the Institute rip my son away and raise him to be a monster? Who the fuck gave them the right to take him? And why did it ever have to be my son? My Shaun? I was so angry at the world and the injustice I had suffered, I wanted it to consume me. To fight hard with every fiber of my being. It didn't matter what I was fighting anymore, because it felt like universal design itself was my enemy. I was never meant to wake up and face the wasteland with my wife and son. Live peacefully in a settlement, work hard and worry about food and water.  
No. I had to join the Brotherhood and become a soldier again. A killing machine, ending lives left, right, and center in a desperate, prying grasp for doing the right thing in a world so, so wrong. The only thing stopping me from going to either of those paths was Danse. I looked at him and realised if I gave up - or give myself into indignation and rage - I would be doing him an injustice. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Danse.  
Danse holds his hand against my chest to stop me and I pull Homewrecker into my hands, looking for any danger I hadn't noticed whilst deep in thought. I look up at him, finding nothing. It's then I realise I'm crying again.  
"Soldier - if you need to talk about anything, I'm here for you." I sigh and focus on rubbing the tears from my eyes. I stumble over words as Danse patiently stands nearby. The harder I try to think of what to say, the more the tears keep coming. I feel weak. I'm a grown man, damn it, and I'm crying like a child. "Oh god, Danse. I don't know what I'm going to do."  
"Take it one step at a time, soldier. Start at the beginning." Danse puts his hand on my shoulder. "Danse...I'm afraid of myself. I'm unstable. I'm teeter-tottering between becoming an unhinged, enraged sociopath or an emotionless creature doing whatever the fuck Elder Maxson tells me to without thought or conscience. And I know how to fix it - I need to keep working. I need to bury myself in my duties and not stop until the Institute is destroyed and it's over. But I'm afraid Elder Maxson wants me off the project. Out of the Brotherhood."  
"No. Elder Maxson understands. If you wanted to cease violence against the Institute because of your son's involvement, you would have agreed to join him on the spot. Maxson knows you're not the 'lie in wait' kind of soldier, or you would never have found your son in the first place. Each step you take completing your orders is another stride against defeating the Institute and if you didn't want the Institute to fall, you would have acted the moment you returned to the Prydwen."  
He's not wrong. I would have done anything to protect Shaun before, but..now? "The Institute needs to be destroyed. Shaun needs to be stopped. That much hasn't changed. But now - I don't have Shaun to hold onto, for hope. My little boy is gone. He died when he was kidnapped, Danse - and they replaced him with something awful. A-And Nora is dead. My wife is gone forever. The Brotherhood is the only thing I have left to live for." My voice becomes quiet, almost inaudible. "You're the only thing I have left to live for."  
Danse grips my shoulder and looks directly into my eyes. "Then live well, and we'll carry on any and all missions Maxson assigns us. We'll do our duty, and with your resourcefulness and the Brotherhood behind us, the Institute will pay for what they have turned your son into, and for all the other atrocities they have committed against the people of the Commonwealth."  
I give Danse a small smile. The rest of the trip is relatively quiet, and Professor Scara agrees easily to assist. I'm feeling a little better was we get back to the Airport. "There's no better sight than a heavily fortified military base covered in Brotherhood of Steel flags and Knights in T-60."  
Danse grins. "Couldn't agree with you more."  
I recieve a laundry list of duties from Proctor Ingram, and Danse and I head back to the Prydwen to regroup before we head back out again. I decide to write down a few things while we're up here, and as I open the footlocker by my bed for a pen, I'm greeted with the sight of toys and games Shaun and I will never get to play. A teddy bear stares up at me with empty doe eyes.  
I'm reminded once again of Danse and Cutler. It's an odd thought when staring at toys, but relevant nonetheless.  
"Paladin Danse?"  
"What is it, soldier?" Danse was rummaging in a duffel bag for a box of fusion cells. "I'm sorry to bring this up - but after you defeated Cutler, or what he became anyway, how did you feel? Did you feel guilt, or was it a remorseless kill? A mercy kill?"  
Danse seems to catch onto my reasoning after a moment, and he sighs. "Cutler and Shaun are incomparable. He was my friend, someone I had cherished the company of - someone I entrusted my life to. But Shaun is not that person. He was your son, and that alone makes the situation remarkably different. But to answer your question, I don't know. I knew he needed to be put down and I stand by my actions. I did what needed to be done and there was nothing else to consider."  
I sat in silence, defeated. I remember his other words - "Having a bond with someone then losing them...it changes you." Was that what this was? Was I changing? Not even a week ago I would have destroyed anything that dared try to stop me from reaching him, from keeping him safe. Now I want to raze the Institute to the ground, him included.  
 Danse turned around and spotted the footlocker full of toys. "There is...one thing that helped give me closure. Cutler had become very fond of a piece of junk he'd bought from my stand when we met. It was an old, pre-war music box that didn't work anymore. He tried for years to repair it, but never succeeded. He kept it in one of his field vest pockets, even when he was in his Power Armor. When Cutler died, I found the music box in one of his pockets, fully repaired. It felt wrong. Everything about it felt wrong, and when we had returned to the Prydwen, I burned it."  
I reached out and held the baby bottle I'd found in my house when I'd first staggered out of the Vault. Nora and I had used it as an art project one night - it was covered in little scrawlings of children's toys and even featured a tiny Codsworth doodle I'd done. Codsworth posed for half an hour so I could get his arms right. It was Nora's favourite thing in the house. We kept it on the kitchen counter as decoration, and with the war and 200 years of aging, it was yellowed and cracked. Danse was right. Like everything else in the footlocker, it felt wrong. "Will you stay with me, Danse? Can we burn them tonight?"  
"I would be honored to attend your son's funeral."

* * *

  
That night, Danse and I stood in the construction area of the Boston Airport. Everyone assumed we were working on Ingram's assignments, so they left well enough alone. Danse had the foresight to gather dry wood for kindling from the surrounding area whilst I gathered Shaun's things into a small backpack. We worked together in silence to pull all the wood into a small pile, and he used a flip lighter to light some paper and get the wood burning. I sat beside it, holding the backpack full of toys tightly to my chest as the fire continued to grow steadily.  
I opened the backpack and began to pull things out to put them in the fire, and the first thing that touched my hand was the baby bottle. As I gazed at the object, the little Codsworth drawing reminded me of my first day out of the Vault - the day Codsworth had given me a holotape Nora intended to use as a gift. I'd been so wrapped up in everything since, I never found the time to listen to it. I slipped it into my Pip-Boy and pressed play as I began to put things into the fire. Nora's voice began after a squealing feedback sound.  
"Oops, haha. Little fingers away, there we go. Just say it, right there - right there. Go ahead." I heard Shaun giggle in the background, and my heart sank. "Yaay! Hi honey! Listen...I don't think Shaun and I need to tell you how great of a father you are."  
Danse exited his power armor, keeping it nearby, and sat beside me, helping me place things in the fire when I began to shake violently and could no longer hold onto them.  
"But we're going to anyway. You are so kind, and loving." Shaun laughed as tears welled in my eyes. "And funny, that's right! Haha. And patient. So patient. Patience of a saint, as my mother used to say. Look, with Shaun, and us all being home together - it's been an amazing year. But even so, I know our best days are yet to come. There will be changes, sure. Things we'll need to adjust to. You'll rejoin the civilian workforce, and I'll shake the dust off my law degree...But everything we do, no matter how hard...we do it for our family."  
The tears spilled over onto my cheeks. My family. They're gone. They're all just...gone. I never got to say goodbye.  
I went to lie down on my back, and Danse held his arm out, encouraging me to lean against him instead. Another show of protection and kindness that would never go unappreciated.  
"Now say goodbye, Shaun...bye bye? Say bye bye!" Shaun giggled, and made noises with his mouth. "Bye honey! We love you!"  
I sat leaning against Danse, once again sobbing uncontrollably. I nestled my head into the crook of his neck and let myself go. The fire crackled behind me now, and I could smell the plastic and paper from Shaun's toys melting and burning. I could smell Danse's power armor oil and the distinct taste of orange Mentats lingered on my tongue.  
This was goodbye. Closure. The last page of the book turned and the cover shut forever. The bright, green Sanctuary I knew, the beautiful woman I was married to, and the sweet little baby - they're gone forever, and nothing will bring them back. I had only one night to mourn.

* * *

  
The next morning I woke up with a sense of meaning. I had purpose again. Direction. I went through the motions of my morning routine thinking hard about where my life stands, now. The only thing I have left in my life is the Brotherhood of Steel, and Paladin Danse. When nothing and no-one else was there, when everything fell apart and I was left broken, Danse was the one to hold me so I wouldn't fall apart. Nora and Shaun were gone, and I had let go of them last night. I'm a soldier now, and I have duties to fulfill.  Nora said it herself. Everything we do, no matter how hard, we do for our family. For my new family.  
For the Brotherhood of Steel.  
Danse rose from sleep, still encased in his power armor, against the wall. He looked at me for a long time as I brush my teeth and spat the dirty water into a wastebin. "Enjoyin' the view, or do you need a camera, Danse?" I said playfully.  
"Are you feeling alright?"  
"Better than I have in two hundred years."  
When Danse finished his own morning routine, we went down to the Airport, crated the projects Ingram had us working on, and returned to her after dropping them off to the scribes working on Liberty Prime.  
"Great work, boys. It won't be long before Prime can walk and talk, but he's missing one last important element...his nukes. Without them, his offensive systems aren't operating at peak capacity."  
"I'll run down to the Super-Duper Mart and pick some up."  
"Cute. I wish it was that simple. Prime's bomb pack is fitted for Mark 28 Nuclear bombs. The same type of bombs that were dropped from aircraft during the Great War. The Commonwealth was a major staging area for the military's air force, so we assumed we wouldn't have trouble finding them. But since we arrived, our scouting teams haven't located a single bomb. Liberty Prime will be effective when we get him fully operational, but he'll lack the proper firepower needed to penetarte the Institute's defenses."  
"Great. That's...just great. Building and arming giant robots is not as easy as they make it in the movies."  
"Well, hang on a second. There's a silver lining here. Proctor Quinlan has located some records regarding a military installation which was used as a nuclear weapon storage facility."  
"You didn't think to assign your scribes to check the nuclear weapon storage facility first to find nuclear bombs?"  
"The catch is that the installation is located somewhere within the Glowing Sea."  
"Ohh, no. Not that place again." I groaned in frustration and rubbed the bridge of my nose.  
"I've already stocked up on anti-radiation gear for you, and Scribe Haylen's established a communications point on the frontier of the Glowing Sea. I suggest you head out there first and establish a signal protocol with her so that the nukes can be airlifted out once you've located them. Hopefully by the time you've returned, we'll be ready to wake Prime up and you can say hello."  
"Awesome. Sounds awesome. I'm really looking forward to this mission. Blundering into a radioactive shithole filled with Deathclaws and Ferals is always good fun. And I get to trip around a dark, gloomy old military bunker fraught with security that has no idea what's happening. It'll be like a vacation!"

* * *

  
Paladin Danse and I arrived at Waypoint Echo within a short time via Vertibird. Haylen and I share some friendly, sarcastic banter, and she hands me a distress beacon to attach to the nukes. Awesome.  
The Glowing Sea is as horrible as it always is, and the battle is hard fought until we reach the place we're searching for. As we close the large metal doors and we're out of the immediate radiation and danger, Danse and I remove our helmets. As the second, heavily sealed door opens for us, I sigh. The place looks like it's going to be a labyrinth. "Awesome. This looks great. I really hope these nukes are worth it."  
"Anything is worth it to wipe the synth abomination out entirely."  
"Yeah, I know. Come on. I'll take point." Danse smiles as I start through the door. There are two paths - one leads to a broken elevator, and the other down winding staircases and platforms that don't seem to have an end or a point. I turn to the elevator and look inside. The elevator car is all the way at the bottom and the roof access hatch is missing. "Come on Danse, I found a shortcut." I jump before Danse has the time to protest and land hard on the elevator car. The car collapses beneath me and a cloud of dust envelops my sight.  
My heart is hammering, and I can't help the laugh that bubbles out of my chest. Danse shouts down, almost panicked. "Are you alright!?"  
"Yes sir! That was a blast, you should come down here!"  
"I'll make it the safer way down, Knight. I'm not as foolhardy to believe the elevator -or anything else in this facility- will withstand another suit of Power Armor crashing down on top of it. Try and get these blast doors open while I make my way down."  
As I explore the lower levels of the facility I can't help but wonder what must have happened here. The place is sealed tight, but the bomb did hit directly over their heads. Were there earthquakes? That would explain the dropped pathways and the weak and broken walls. I wonder if they all starved to death. I manage to unlock the blast doors easily, and regroup with Danse. We find ourselves winding through seemingly endless tunnels, and  20 minutes later, Danse stops walking.  
"I hear something. I'm going to backtrack a moment. Stay here." Paladin Danse turns to leave, and a minute later, a large group of Ferals turns the corner and spots me. Every one of them starts sprinting and all you can hear is the cacophony of shotgun firing and hoarse, raspy screeching. The group is upon me, grimy hands sliding all over my armor, teeth grazing uselessly against it.  
I start to feel violently ill with all the radiation. I keep firing Homewrecker, but it gets knocked out of my hand, and the hoard's weight overpowers my own. I hit the floor hard, crushing a Ghoul underneath me. I'm pinned to the floor, desperately trying to keep my head away from them. I start becoming claustrophobic and begin screaming for Danse.  
"Danse! Danse, I need you! Help me! Please, Danse! I need you!"  
Whoever said 'hell hath no fury like a scorned woman' clearly has never seen a scorned CO. Danse sprints around the corner and the ferals drown in laser fire. The weight increases as ferals climb atop myself and their fallen brethren trying to make it through the tunnel at Danse, and I can't move, even with the extra strength my armor gives me. Danse sprints over and kicks a pile of ferals off, helping me to my feet.  
I take a few moments to catch my breath and find Homewrecker buried under the bodies. "Thanks, Danse. Jesus christ. It looks like they tried keeping a group of civilians down here. Look at them - they're all in civilian clothes, piled together at the end of this god awful tunnel?"  
"It doesn't matter now. Let's secure those nukes and be done with this mission."  
"No, of course. Let's go." Danse and I proceed down the rest of the tunnel and to a small chamber with a service elevator, some forklifts, and doors separating us between the payload we so desperately need. There's a Child of Atom dead on the floor before the door, and the terminal has a screwdriver rammed into it's screen, destroying it. I manage to get the door open and walk inside only to see one of those Children of Atom whackjobs standing in my way under a fucking spotlight, an Assaultron behind him.  
"State your purpose, stranger. You walk on Atom's hallowed ground."  
"Oh right, hallowed ground. Obviously. Just look how wonderful this place is."  
"Your mockery is wasted. The Children of Atom have sworn to guard this place until the time of the Great Divide. None shall enter. " I remember what happened last time I was completely honest and tried a different tactic. "Trust me, I'm on your side here. I want to help."  
"Atom has no need of help from non-believers. When He returns to us, these relics will carry his word and his glory to all corners of the earth. That is why they must be safeguarded."  
Paladin Danse steps closer beside me and gauges the man in front of us. "This man is obviously delusional. I recommend we switch tactics."  
"No, listen - I want to spread his, uhh, g-glory...Look, the bombs will get used, okay? Isn't that what you want?"  
"Perhaps then I have misjudged you. If you would see these relics used, then Atom's will is done. Take this and prepare to enter his inner sanctum."  
"Please don't call it that. That...sounds really disgusting."  
"Follow the brilliance of the Glow, and it shall lead you to the relics." The man puts his palm flat against the chest of my armor and makes eye contact. "May Atom's radiance warm your soul." He speaks reverently, and it really freaks me out.  
"Oh. Oh god, please stop touching me. I'm gonna go secure the nukes now, just-get off. Please." I manage to scoot around him and he backs away to let us pass. I suppress a full-body shiver of disgust as I use his password to unlock the doors and head down into the storage area. As we enter, Danse walks ahead of me into the stockpile.  
"Danse?"  
"Now that this site's been secured, you should return to the airport immediately. I'll remain on watch until the vertibirds arrive."  
I laugh. "Don't bother, I'm sure they'll be fine. It's not exactly like the Glowing Sea gets a lot of handsy tourists."  
"I don't have a choice. Elder Maxson's orders were quite clear. I'm not to take my eyes off of these bombs until every one of them has been counted, tested, and loaded. If we want Liberty Prime to reach peak fighting efficiency, we can't afford to lose this stockpile. Dismissed, Knight." My heart sinks.  
"Oh, yeah, but...I have a bad feeling about you staying here, Danse. I can't explain it, I just do. And it's not the only reason I don't want you to stay here, but...I don't want to be alone, right now."  
Danse turns and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Like I said, I don't have a choice. You'll be fine. You're a brave soldier, and I'll be back on the Prydwen as soon as this stockpile is secure." I give him an unsure look. I really don't want us to be separated, right now. "I promise I'll return. Everything we do, no matter how hard, we do for our family." Danse quotes Nora. My heart wrenches in my chest and I fight back tears.  
I nod to Danse and head to the service elevator.

* * *

  
The flight back to the Airport was uneventful and I was glad to be rid of my Power Armor. I don't know how Danse lives, breathes and sleeps in the thing. I drop it off for cleansing of Glowing Sea debris and head up to the platform Ingram seems to be glued to these days. She spots my approach and smiles at me. "Looks like the Mark 28's are going to do the trick. That was a good find."  
Ingram and Professor Scara exchange pleasantries as I look at Liberty Prime. The scribes have done great work. He's fully assembled and looks terrifying. I would be hard pressed not to fear any organization that has this thing at their disposal.  
"I'm still a bit concerned. We haven't fully thrown the switch on Liberty Prime and I'm just hoping all the work I've done to keep his systems stable is going to hold."  
I grin. "Only one way to find out!"  
Ingram grins too. "Absolutely!" Scara looks a little afraid of us.  
"All the readouts look green. I think it's time for you to activate the power transfer."  
Proctor Ingram turns to me. "Actually, I think I'm going to let you press the button. After all, without your help, we'd still be staring at a pile of disassembled parts."  
"I'm in total agreement with Proctor Ingram. The honor should belong to you."  
"Aww, you're gonna make me blush, girls. I'm the one that gets to press the shiny big red button that activates the nuke-throwing murder death machine? Sweet." I make a show of opening the glass case and pressing the button. It feels good to press it, and Liberty Prime's voice begins to echo across the Commonwealth. This thing is so loud, I'm sure everyone within a hundred miles can hear him. The Institute doesn't stand a chance.  
Ingram gifts me a Medic Pump for my T-60 suit, and after we exchange jokes and pleasantries, I head back up to the Prydwen. Apparently Maxson wants to speak with me, and that never seems to end well. I take the time to get changed into some non-irradiated clothes in Danse's quarters before I head over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always fancied the idea that SS didn't walk away from Shaun 100%. Vincent enters a sort of trance-like humorous mood as his mind struggles valiantly with the severe emotional situation placed on him. Of course we all know it's about to get so, so much worse. Is this a cliffhanger? Yes. Do I have like, a million projects and two tests to complete for college? Yes I do. (The new chapter shouldn't take terribly long. It's already written, I just need to polish it.)  
> The joke Vincent was laughing at while high by the way;  
> Why do milking stools only have three legs?  
> Because the cow has the udder.


	8. Inhuman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your wonderful comments definitely inspired me to finish up and post the new chapter. I hope you like it! It's been a while since I've written a smut scene.

"Is there anything you wish to tell me, Knight?"  
"Not at all, sir. I have nothing to hide. You know as much." I reflexively stand at attention when faced with Maxson's clear wrath. What could I possibly have done this time? I submitted a full report on my trip to the Institute. I wrote it directly in front of him. Maxson knows everything.  
"I find that very hard to believe. Proctor Quinlan completed the decryption of the data you retrieved from the Institute. A portion of his findings included a list of synths that went missing or escaped from their underground facility. After careful analysis of the information, we've discovered something...unprecedented. Paladin Danse is a perfect match for one of the synths on that list."  
My blood froze. It couldn't be true. No. "There has to be some kind of mistake."  
"In my experience, Proctor Quinlan doesn't make mistakes. The data you brought back included a record of each subject's DNA. We keep the same information on file for all of our soldiers. Paladin Danse's DNA is a perfect match for a synth they called M7-97. To make matters worse, he's gone AWOL. Disappeared without a trace. His sudden absence simply reinforces our conclusion that M7-97 and Paladin Danse are one and the same." I knew something was wrong. God damn it, can nothing be simple? He fucking promised me he would return. He lied to me. And it's not exactly like one doesn't know they're a synth - right? He lied to me about his own humanity?  
But Danse is my best friend. He would never lie to me. It's not who Danse is. Either Quinlan is wrong, Shaun is fucking with me, or Danse has no idea _what_ he is.  
"I'm finding it difficult to believe that he never confided in you and then swore you to secrecy."  
My lip twitched in disgust. How dare Maxson accuse me of hiding anything - especially something like this? I spoke quietly, but not without promise. "After everything I've done for the Brotherhood, you have _some nerve_ to accuse _me_ of lying. I'm willing to murder my own son for the Brotherhood and the people of the Commonwealth. I've just secured an enormous payload of nuclear warheads for that very purpose. Does that mean nothing to my loyalty?"  
"Your outburst leads me to believe I've misjudged you. Which means I've decided to take you at your word. However, that doesn't absolve you of your duty. Danse is a synth. He represents everything we hate. A monstrosity of technology. Our mission in the Commonwealth is clear. The Institute and its creations need to be destroyed in order to preserve our future."  
"Oh, god. Maxson, you bastard, don't you fucking say it."  
Maxson ignores my obscenities. "Which leads me to the most difficult order I've ever given. I'm ordering you to hunt down Danse and execute him."  
"No way in Hell. My son, yes. He is a monster. He created the synths in the first place. But Danse has done absolutely nothing to garner suspicion or punishment - let alone a _death sentence_. There has to be some other way, Elder. I refuse to do this."  
"Absolutely not. My decision is final. Listen, I'm not blind to the fact that Danse was your mentor and this isn't an easy burden to bear. But if we're to remain strong, we can't afford to make exceptions." I knew it from the moment I met him that this man was ruthless and without prejudice. If he said every one of them must die, he meant it. But Danse was his friend, too - he speaks softly, and not without the pain causing his voice to waver, and Maxson's gaze lowers to the floor. It didn't occur to me until now that Maxson is losing a great friend and his best officer.  
"Even when it means executing one of our own." I can tell he's hurting. He fights back tears as he looks back up at me. "Find Proctor Quinlan. He's been analyzing the data and should be able to provide you with a starting point." I turn to leave, eager to start. Eager to _save Danse_. I need to be the first and only one to reach him. Maxson grips my shoulder before I can take a step.  
"And Knight, there's a promotion riding for you on the results of these orders, do don't disappoint me. You're dismissed." He turns back around quickly, and I bite my tongue. It takes all the strength I can muster, but I pull myself away before I slug him in the face for that comment. Danse wouldn't have wanted me to do it.  
I rush to Quinlan's office, hoping I can find some other way. Any other way. I can't live in this world anymore if Danse is gone. I can't do it.  
"Oh, Knight..I was told you were coming. Sorry about this business with Danse."  
I don't have time for this shit. I need to find Danse. Now. "I don't need apologies, I need to know where he is." Quinlan goes into useless rambling about Danse's duty reports and not having found anything useful - and something about checking each place he's been one by one. "I don't have the kind of time for that, Quinlan. We need something more-"  
Haylen bursts into the room, shouting. "What the hell is this crap about Danse being a synth!?" Her voice cracks and I can tell she's just as upset as I am. Quinlan speaks first. "I assume your outburst was a reference to some doubt regarding Danse's identity. I can assure you that my findings are quite accurate, Scribe." Quinlan's comment just serves to piss her off more, and she turns to me with rage. "So _he_ sets Danse up, and then _you_ knock him down, is that it!?" Great. And now Haylen thinks I'm actually going to go through with this 'murder Paladin Danse' bullshit. "Haylen, I don't have time for this. I need to find him right now."  
"Why, are you in too much of a rush to pull the trigger? I can't believe after _everything_ Paladin Danse did for you, you're just going to turn your back on him like this! There's _obviously_ been a mistake and we need to get to the bottom of it."  
Before I can snap at Haylen for even beginning to believe I haven't thought of that already, Quinlan jumps down her throat. " _Scribe Haylen!_ You're addressing a senior officer and you will show him the respect that he's due or so help me I'll have you put _up on charges!_ Now unless you're here with information that can assist us, I suggest you return to the police station immediately."  
"No, of course. My apologies, Proctor. I believe I have some information that's relevant to the search."  
"Very well then, would you care to enlighten us, or do we have to wait until you decide to grace us with your knowledge?" She wisely chooses to ignore Quinlan's baiting and turns back to me. "Knight, if you'll accompany me to the Flight Deck, I'd like to show you the information I've compiled first hand. I've stored the data on my vertibird gunship's computer."  
"I'll take anything that gets me closer to finding Danse. Thank you."  
"Yes, _sir._ If you'll follow me." Her address has some bite to it. She must honestly believe I'm so eager to kill Danse. We head in the right direction out of Quinlan's office, and then turn a corner to head down to the lower levels of the main deck. Exactly what is Haylen trying to do, here? She stops and turns around. "Do you actually plan on killing Paladin Danse?"  
"Have you completely lost your mind? If you know me, you know the answer to that, Haylen." I lower my voice considerably. "This isn't exactly a soundproof interrogation room. It's not safe to talk here. What the hell are you doing?"  
"I know it is, but you need to listen to me for a minute." Haylen goes into a monologue about how much Danse has done for her. What he taught her. She's _convinced_ I was going to run out there and murder him like a...like a _machine_. She won't let me get a word in edgewise. I feel bad about it but I interrupt her. " _Haylen_. You need to help me find him. Nothing is going to get done unless I can speak to Danse. Do you understand?"  
"That's..." She looks like she's going to cry. I hate making women cry. "I'll just have to trust you. Like Danse would have. _Is_." She sighs and wrings her hands, giving me a pointed look. A small promise that if Danse dies and I return, it's not going to be pretty. I couldn't care less. Danse won't die today. "Before the Prydwen showed up, Danse had me identify a fallback point if we ever lost the police station. It was...Listening Post Bravo. An old pre-war U.S. Military outpost on the northern frontier of the Commonwealth. It's isolated, and we're the only ones that knew about it, so there's a good chance that's where he's headed. Just be careful. There's no telling what state of mind he's in right now, or if he trusts any of us at all."  
It's a fair point. I know Danse wouldn't fire on me, but...do I? I had no idea Danse was a synth. This entire time, Danse was enemy number one, and I had no idea. I don't even know if he was aware of it. The synth child Shaun tricked me with didn't seem to know his nature. What makes Danse any different, really? But then again, I could just be convincing myself he didn't lie to me. I don't know to be angry at the world, at Maxson, or at Danse, now. Fuck.  
I run to the flight deck and hop into a vertibird. I tell the pilot to fly me to Greentop Nursery, the first location on the map I find that looks close to where the listening post is. I can walk from there. On the way I have nothing to do but think. I pace inside the Vertibird as we travel.  
What makes Danse different from a human? It strikes me that physically, Danse is essentially a human being. He sleeps, eats, drinks, becomes exhausted, gets radiation sickness - just like everyone else. Knight-Captain Cade has done plenty of examinations and blood draws and has never had the smallest inkling of doubt against Paladin Danse's humanity. Mentally, Danse is amazing - he's compassionate, brave, courageous. Affectionate in his own way. The Brotherhood of Steel is everything to him, and he would gladly die for it's cause and it's people. His people. To me personally, Danse has been my sole provider of support. Three times now he's followed me loyally into the Glowing Sea, into almost certain death or injury - and didn't even bat an eye. He stayed with me day and night while I was mentally unstable and suffering a great deal.  
My mind is made up completely. It doesn't matter if Paladin Danse is a synth or not. It doesn't matter if he lied to me or not. Those actions - those emotions were genuine. Danse cares. I refuse to let him die. I won't let him be taken from me - from the world. And if he absolutely has to be put down, we'll be put down _together_. I would gladly lay down my life beside Danse's.  
The vertibird reached the nursery and I don't think I have run faster in my life. I was on the ground before the Vertibird had even touched it, and I forewent the steps in exchange for leaping off the roof. The fall hurt my ankle but the adrenaline kept it steady as I sprinted away. When I reached the entrance to the post, two turrets began firing at me. I didn't have my armor and I wasn't used to the vulnerability. A bullet grazed my arm before I ducked around a tree. I dispatched the two turrets with Homewrecker, ran inside, powered the elevator and pressed the button at least a hundred times before the doors opened. I paced the car as it descended, heart hammering in my chest.  
Tell me nobody else has been here. No-one else has found him. I won't step out of this elevator to find a corpse.  
It occurs to me at that thought that Danse's unwavering loyalty to the Brotherhood and it's cause would have lead him to the worst possible conclusion about himself, if he wasn't aware he was a synth previously. The revelation caused my knees to become weak. "Oh my god, please don't let him be dead already. Please, _please, God_ if you're out there, don't let me find him dead. Don't let me find another fucking corpse." The doors slid slowly open and my heart leapt into my throat. Two Securitron robots were blocking my path, and some buckshot to a petrol barrel covered the room in flames, taking both the robots out at once. I fired at the turret now aware of my existence, and as the smoke cleared I saw Danse in his uniform through a window under the turret. I found myself shouting as I sprinted into the room. "Oh my god Danse! You're alive! Thank god, you're alive!"  
Danse held his hand out to stop me before I came too close. His power armor was nowhere to be found and he was in his orange jumpsuit, the hood in his hands.  
"I'm not surprised Maxson sent you. He never liked to do the dirty work himself." Danse's voice sounded cold. Distant. "Danse I- Danse, _please_. I don't understand what's going on. Did you _know_ about this?"  
"Believe me, this is more of a shock to me than it is to you. I _didn't_ know. Until Quinlan got that list decoded, I thought synths were the enemy. I never expected to hear that I was one of them. If it wasn't for Haylen, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. So what are your orders? Does Maxson even want me alive?"  
"Danse, what are you talking about? Synths are _still_ the enemy. You're not a synth. Not to me, not to Haylen." Danse sighed. "It doesn't make sense to me, either. It just feels like a cruel joke. I remember being a child, I remember growing up in the ruins...everything. I...suppose they programmed all that into my head. I mean, I feel like I've been in control of my entire life, making my own decisions and determining my own fate. Even though the proof states that I'm a synth, I don't feel any different than I did before. I still feel like a human."  
"Danse, you have to listen to me. We need to-"  
"Why does any of this even matter to you? You're obviously here to carry out Maxson's orders. Does he even want me alive?"  
"God damn it, why does everyone believe I want to hurt you? I-..." I sigh and my voice becomes much quieter. "Of course not. Synths are the enemy, remember?"  
"All too well. Look, I'm not blind to the fact that we're good friends and this must be very difficult for you. I wish Maxson had sent someone else. But that doesn't change a thing. I'm a synth, which means I need to be destroyed. If you're disobeying your orders, you're not only betraying Maxson, you're betraying the Brotherhood of Steel and everything it stands for. You'd be betraying your family. I can't let you lose that. Synths can't be trusted. Machines were never meant to make their own decisions, they need to be controlled. Technology run amok is what brought the entire world to its knees and humanity to the brink of extinction. I need to be the example, not the exception."  
"Don't be ridiculous. Don't be a _god damn fool_. You _need_ to be the _exception_. We have hundreds of examples. This kind of umbrella-killing is the Institute's thing, not ours. You've spent your entire life doing Brotherhood work - you're not remotely a part of the Institute. You're not the enemy."  
"I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I've made my decision. I'm ready to accept the consequences of my true identity. Maxson's ordered you to execute me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand in your way."  
"No. _No_ Danse, I won't do it." I was pacing the floor, heart hammering in my chest.

I didn't want Danse to ever leave. If he was gone, so was I.

I took out Homewrecker and handed it to him. He looked confused and didn't want to touch it. "Take it. _Take it_ , god damn it, Danse. If you want to die, you're taking me with you."  
Danse looked shocked and sickened by the idea, wrenching his hand from Homewrecker as though it burned him. "I can't believe you'd risk your life trying to keep me alive. Why would you do that for me?"  
"I've already lost my family. Everyone I have ever known or loved is dead. You're all I have left. You're the only person I have a bond with anymore. I-...I love you, man. You're my best friend. I _can't lose_ you." Danse looks like a deer in the headlights again, then casts his gaze to the floor.  
"I...you're right. How could I have been so blind? I should have considered how my death might affect the people that care about me. People like you and Haylen. Perhaps that you've opened my eyes, I can consider my next move."  
"Whatever you decide to do Danse, I've got your back."  
"Thank you my friend, but I have my own path to follow. The only clear choice is for me to leave the Commonwealth." I speak quickly, almost cutting Danse off. "No. Oh my god, Danse, you can't...you can't just fucking leave me here." Paladin Danse takes both my hands easily in one of his, and with the other he pulls the holotags out of his uniform and off his neck. He pools the chain in my  hands and closes the tags in them, gripping my hands together. "Take my holotags. Use them to prove that your mission was a success or Maxson will just send someone else to hunt me down."  
Tears brim at my eyes again. I resort to mindlessly begging, anything it takes to get Danse to stay with me. " _Please don't go_. Danse, I can't let you do this. You can't do this, Danse. **_Don't leave me, please._ ** I can't do this without you. Please don't leave me here alone." Danse holds my hands tightly, pulling them against his chest, casting his gaze downwards with a warm smile. The chain for the holotags slips through my fingers and dangles uselessly from them. "You still have the Institute to bring down, and I can't accompany you any further on that mission. It's too important for you to leave behind. You're strong enough to continue without me, soldier. You just haven't realised it yet."  
"No, Danse, god damn it, I- _I'm not_. I can't survive alone. Don't leave me alone."  
"You're never alone with the Brotherhood. Now, come on. Pull yourself together and let's get the hell out of here."  
I continue to plead and beg with Danse all the way to the exit, but he just smiles at me. "Everything will be alright." We both step out of the bunker into the sunset.  
Maxson is standing there, face twisted in fury and indignation. The Vertibird is on the helicopter pad behind him, the pilot oblivious. Beyond that, there isn't a soul except the three of us for miles. He stalks closer and my hand twitches over Homewrecker at my hip. I don't want to hurt Maxson, but I will if it means Danse lives.  
"How dare you betray the Brotherhood!"  
"It's not his fault, it's mine." Danse steps slightly in front of me and my heart feels like it's being torn out of my chest. He's still protecting me. "I'll deal with you in a moment. Knight! Why hasn't this...this _thing_ been destroyed!?"  
"He's still alive because you're _wrong_ about him, Maxson!"  
"'Him!?' Danse isn't a man, it's a machine. An automaton created by the Institute. It wasn't born from the womb of a loving mother, it was grown within the cold confines of a laboratory. Flesh is flesh. Machine is machine. The two were never meant to intertwine! By attempting to play God, the Institute has taken the sanctity of human life and corrupted it beyond measure." Maxson is clearly angered beyond compare and I know how he feels. He feels as though the Institute is toying with him by dangling something he cared about in front of him and ripping it away.  
Danse snaps at Maxson. "After all I've done for the Brotherhood, all the blood I've spilled in our name, how can you say that about me?" I never thought I'd see Danse go against Maxson, ever.  
"You're the physical embodiment of what we hate most. Technology that's _gone. Too. Far._ Look around you, Danse. Look at the scorched Earth and the bones that litter the wasteland. Millions...perhaps even billions died because science outpaced man's restraint. They called it 'the new frontier' and 'pushing the envelope', completely disregarding the repercussions. Can't you see the same thing is happening again!?" You're a single bomb in an arsenal of thousands preparing to lay waste to what's left of mankind."  
I scoff a laugh and they both look at me. "You cannot possibly be standing in front of me...comparing Paladin Danse to a nuclear bomb." A teddy bear with a knife, _maybe_ , but not a bomb.  
"This machine may not _be_ a bomb, but it's goal is exactly the same. Place it where you want the damage done, and when you least expect it, it delivers a lethal blow without warning and without mercy. A precision strike delivered right at the heart of the enemy. How can you trust the word of a machine that thinks it's alive? A machine that's had it's mind erased, it's thoughts programmed...it's very soul manufactured. Those ethics that it's striving to champion aren't even it's own. They were artificially inserted in an attempt to have it blend into society."  
"It's true. I was built within the confines of a laboratory, and some of my memories aren't my own. But when I saw my brothers dying at my feet, I felt sorrow. When I defeated an enemy of the Brotherhood, I felt pride. And when I heard your speech about saving the Commonwealth...I felt hope. Don't you understand? I thought I was human, Arthur. From the moment I was taken in by the Brotherhood I've done absolutely nothing to betray your trust, and I never will."  
"It's too late for that now. The Institute has chosen to foolishly grant you life. You simply should not exist. I don't intend to debate this any longer. My orders stand." Maxson looks me directly in the eye, and Danse takes my hands again, my words dying in my throat.  
"It's alright. We did our best. You convinced me that I was wrong to be ashamed of my true identity and I thank you for it." Danse smiles and presses a kiss to my hands. My heart leaps into my throat and tears well up in my eyes again. "Whatever you decide, know that I'm going to my grave with no anger and no regrets. I'm happy I ever got to meet you, Vincent."  
Maxson sneers at Danse. "Touching. Either you execute Danse, or I will, Knight. The choice is yours."  
Silence reigns for a moment. I rip my hands from Danse's, and he looks hurt before I begin to speak. Anger has overwrote my sorrow. My beating heart slows to a thud in my chest. I will be directed and silenced no longer. I won't let one more bloodthirsty maniac rip my voice away from me. "Maxson, after all the sacrifices I've made and all the battles I've fought for the Brotherhood, you need to listen to me. You _owe me_ that much."  
"Very well. I'm listening."  
"What Danse is doesn't matter at all. What matters are his actions, and he has saved the lives of countless Brotherhood soldiers. I don't know how you can look upon the man that you have trusted, the man who has never done a single thing to lead you to believe he was anything except _the perfect_ Brotherhood soldier, and want him dead. Danse is the most selfless human being I have ever met in my entire life, artificial or not. It's not his fault the Institute -my son- created him in a lab. But what he did with the travesty forced upon him was fight. Fight for you, Maxson. For the Brotherhood of Steel. For what he believes in. The good he's done is not reversed or corrupted by the discovery of his identity and I'll be _damned_ if I let you believe that for a _moment_. And look at him. Even now, knowing he's a synth, he stands there unarmed and ready to die for you. Sticking to his beliefs - staying by your side until the very, very end."  
Maxson looks wounded. He hides it well, but he's fighting tears. He looks at Danse, standing there vulnerable in his jumpsuit, filthy and broken inside. His eyes become red. "You're a stubborn man. I hadn't realised you care for this machine's life so much." His words lack the bite they'd had. "It appears we've arrived at an impasse. Allowing Danse to live undermines everything the Brotherhood stands for, yet you insist that he remains alive. Which leads me with only a single alternative. Danse, as far as I'm concerned you're dead. you were pursued and slain by this Brotherhood Knight and your remains were incinerated. From this day forward, you are forbidden to step foot on the Prydwen, or speak to anyone from the Brotherhood of Steel. Should you choose to ignore me, know that you will be fired upon immediately. Do we understand each other?"  
"I do. Thank you for believing in me, Arthur."  
Maxson grimaces in disgust at Danse using his first name. "Don't mistake my mercy for acceptance. The only reason you're still alive is because of _him_. I'm returning to the Prydwen, Knight. Take some time, say your goodbyes, and then I expect to see you there. We still have The Institute to deal with." Maxson turns and leaves, taking his Vertibird away. Danse turns to address me. "It took a hell of a lot of guts to stand up to Maxson like that."  
I sigh in relief, feeling my legs suddenly become weak. I can hardly believe I managed to convince Maxson to spare him. "Friends take care of each other, Danse, no matter what."  
"That they do. Which...is why I've decided to stay. I didn't plan on spending the rest of my days at this old listening post, but it will have to do. Besides, you're still going to need my help and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you wander the Commonwealth alone."  
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Tears finally spring free and stream down my face. "Danse, _thank you_. Seriously. Thank you for being the one that didn't leave me alone." Danse smiles and pulls me into a hug, and I feel my knees give out beneath me. Danse sinks with me to the ground, and I cling hopelessly to him, my voice reduced to a whisper. "I'm so glad you're alive."  
Danse bites his lip, fighting back tears of his own, and pulls away after a moment. "You better get back to the Prydwen. Have Knight-Captain Cade take a look at you, and get some rest. In the meantime, I'll start making this bunker more livable. If and when you ever need me, I'll be right here."

* * *

  
The trip back to the Prydwen was tense. Haylen gave me a ride and was giving me the stink eye the entire time - looking at me like I was a beast. Like I betrayed her. She doesn't know yet, I kept telling myself. Don't let it get to you. But it still hurt, deep down. Haylen is a nice girl, and she believes in Danse like I do. I ask for a piece of paper and a pen, and she throws it behind her at me. I can hear her crying, and her hands are shaking on the controls.  
"Haylen, please listen to me. I need you first of all to not crash this Vertibird into the ground. Please don't. You're too beautiful to be on the cover of The Publick Occurences for a Brotherhood murder-suicide." She scoffs a laugh, and glares at me, sniffling. "The second thing I need you to do is take this, and read it when you're absolutely alone. Do not let anyone else get ahold of it. When you've read it, burn it, and speak a word of it to no-one. Absolutely not a soul."  
I handed her the note and she stuffed it angrily in one of her pockets. "It better be some damn good news, Knight." She was so angry with me. I sighed and patted her shoulder, sitting by the minigun again. She'll understand with time. Maybe one of these days, when Maxson or Lancer-Captain Kells aren't breathing down my neck, I can bring Haylen to the outpost. I'm sure Danse would like that.  
When I finally arrived at the command deck, Maxson looked better maybe to the untrained eye. I could see he'd been crying by his recently washed face, and his eyes hold a darkness in them they hadn't before. The darkness of betrayal. But he simply can't afford to be emotional in his position. He relinquished all of Paladin Danse's belongings to me - including his quarters, power armor, and his title. At least Maxson trusts me still. He has no reason to - the Director of the Institute is my son, and my best friend is a synth. He has every reason to have me cast out. But instead he tells me he has no doubt in me and trusts me.  
Maxson, despite his heavy hand and black and white perspective, really is an amazing man.  
After receiving another, now completely pointless dressing-down from Kells and a new assignment to pretty much massacre the Railroad for seemingly no reason at all, I returned to Danse's quarters -my quarters- and laid in bed, trying to sleep. Trying to get some rest. It was useless. My mind was racing, and the whole room just felt so quiet. Wrong. Normally when trying to sleep here, I would have the pleasant, reassuring din of Danse's breathing to accompany the Prydwen's engines. But now it just feels so lonely in here. I would burn it but Danse doesn't need a funeral, and I seriously doubt burning down a portion of the Prydwen would make Maxson any happier with me.  
I sighed and started to go through Danse's things, trying to find what he may have wanted at the Outpost but was too afraid to ask me to fetch from the Prydwen. There was so much here I hadn't noticed. Danse had an entire safe full of ammunition, of course, but the 10mm I had left at the Cambridge Police Station when I'd swapped it for Homewrecker was in there, too. It had " _VAULT 111_ " printed on the side, as it was made specifically for the security there. On top of the safe was a metal box full of dog food cans for Dogmeat.  
He had ammunition stored all over the place - but a lot of booze bottles I hadn't even realised were there, just...out in plain sight. Some bourbon and vodka on his desk, barely touched, and two more empty bourbon bottles in a wastebin by the door. He also had a carton of cigarettes and a dirty ashtray on his desk I hadn't taken notice of. I'd never seen the man smoke. The thought of Danse standing on the flight deck leaning on the railing with a cigarette in his mouth turned me on. It was a foreign feeling. I'd always had a thing for casual cigarettes - it was an odd fetish but it was there. I just hadn't felt anything remotely sexual in so long I almost felt sick with myself. This situation was hardly the time, and Paladin Danse...I wouldn't pass the idea off as unwanted, but I sincerely doubt Danse felt anything towards me past the deep friendship we held.  
The thought made me despair a little. Was I falling in love with Paladin Danse? It would make sense. Out of anyone in my life anymore, he was the only one who made it a point not to disappoint or hurt me - he was willing to die for my position in the Brotherhood. Nora is dead, Shaun is gone and I've accepted that. The funeral Danse and I had for them sealed away my family forever. But Danse is all I have - I can't break the connection I have with him over...over something like this. It's a ridiculous thought. Part of me wants to believe it's a manic result of recent events, but part of me knows that's a lie.  
I shake the thought from my head. Now is not the time. I turn back to rummaging through Danse's things. Most of his lockers were empty, but he had a silver locket lying on one of the shelves. There was no photo inside, and I wondered - was it a gift from someone he'd deigned to keep, or perhaps a belonging from a deceased underling? I'd briefly considered there was no reason behind it at all and it was simply just an object, but Danse wasn't the type of person to keep _just an object_.  
The idea that "Danse doesn't keep _just friends_ either" flashed in my mind and was quickly forgotten. This whole 'love' business needed to be shoved in a box and dealt with later. Much later. Danse was hurting - his entire life had just been stripped away from him, down to the bone, and left him broken and alone in a fucking bunker riddled with 200 year old corpses.  
Oh shit.  
Danse's entire life had just been stripped from him, leaving him broken and alone in a filthy bunker.  
And I was going through his things on the Prydwen.  
I needed to be there for him. I can't believe it took me hours to figure this out. Instead I've been up here twiddling my thumbs and trying to sleep. What a fucking idiot. I threw some things in a duffel bag, took the first Vertibird to the ground and made my way on foot from there. If I took the Vertibird to the bunker -or anywhere near it- Maxson would know something was up.

* * *

  
I stepped out of the elevator into the bunker and spotted Danse in a suit if X-01 power armor. Where the hell did he get _that_?  
"Paladin Danse?" Danse turned around quickly and sighed when he saw me.  
"What are you doing here? You're meant to be on the Prydwen getting some rest."  
"Danse, I figured you needed someone to be with you right now, and...you've been there for me during the hardest times I've ever had to face. It was dumb of me to leave in the first place and I won't hear anything in the contrary." Danse looked at the floor, struggling to find an argument.  
I looked around at the demolished, looted bunker. The skeletons in army fatigues weren't even the half of it - broken terminals, shattered glass, and tipped over filing cabinets were everywhere. One of the walls was busted out completely, and led to a grimy, diseased pool of irradiated water full of corpses. The smell alone made me sick.  
"Do you...wanna skip out of the bunker, and head to Sanctuary? Brotherhood patrols don't even go there. It's too far northwest and not a lot goes on. Preston built a small cabin for people 'just passing through' we could crash at. Complete with beds! Sound good?"  
Danse opened his mouth, but the sound of rocks falling into the pool of disgusting water and splashing all over the bed he'd set up interrupted him. He sighed and looked at me. "Sure. I'll accept that invitation. Thank you."  
"No problem at all, Danse."  
We encountered very little opposition on the way there in the dead of the night. It was almost dawn by the time we got there. I told Preston the passthrough cabin was occupied now, possibly for several days - I just told him some hogwash about a lost soul that needs help, but can't be disturbed, and he bought straight into it. It's not as though I was deceiving him at least.  
When Danse and I walked in, I realised there was only one bed. The sleeping bags were being used by new settlers in the main house. "Shit. Sorry Danse. You can take the bed, seriously. Hop out of your power armor and I can keep watch while you get some rest. I think some of my clothes might fit you if you wanna get out of that uniform jumper."  
"Thank you, but that won't be necessary. I think Preston and the eight turrets that surround the immediate area will give us plenty of warning in case of an enemy invasion."  
"I'd say that's not like you, but there are eight turrets outside. Two fire missiles. Preston also has a reliable guard system in place. You have a fair point. I just want to make you comfortable in any way I can." Danse stepped out of his armor and he just..looked so small. Broken. I plucked a jacket and jeans out of the duffel bag for him, and he just threw them on over the Brotherhood uniform, sat on the edge of the bed, and stared at the wooden floor for several minutes. I didn't want to just stand there staring at him, so I busied my hands unloading the bag onto a counter nearby.  
"If you have a moment, I have something...personal I'd like to discuss."  
"Are you okay, Danse?" He looked tense, and kept shifting. He opened his mouth to start several different sentences, and finally settled. "I'm sorry. I really thought this would be easier to talk about. There's so much I wanted to say, but I don't know where to start."  
I put the duffel bag down and stood across from Danse. "I know this has something to do with your true identity as a synth. We can start there, if you want?"  
"Believe it or not, it's deeper than that. I've spent my entire life...or at least what I perceive as my life...following a plan to shape my own future. But since my banishment, I feel lost. Almost like I exist without purpose. For the first time since that moment I signed up with the Brotherhood, I don't have all the answers. I don't have a plan. And it scares the hell out of me."  
"It's impossible to plan your life. Hell, I didn't expect to wake up 200 years into the future. I didn't expect my wife to be dead not even a year after our son was born - I didn't expect our son to grow up to be a maniac."  
"Yet you've been able to roll with every punch that's been thrown at you. Don't you understand? Everything I had, everything I knew is gone. In the span of a few hours, my identity was ripped from me and my world turned upside down. At least what you had was something tangible, something real. Your wife, your son...they were living, breathing humans who loved you and cared for you. Those sons of bitches who created me couldn't even be bothered to implant memories of having.. _siblings_ , or _parents_. I don't even know how much of my own past is artificial and how much is real. Can you even imagine that?" I can hear Danse's voice start to waver, and crack. He's fighting back tears. "I started out as _nothing_ , and I've ended up as **_nothing_**. And I don't know what the hell to do about it."  
I placed one of my palms on each side of his head and tilted his head up to look at me. He looked so lost, and so wounded. "You need to do what you've always done, Danse. You need to _fight_ this thing. And I'll be right here, helping you fight every step of the way. Okay?"  
"I'm not giving up. Not yet. I suppose you're right. Maybe I'm missing the point." He leaned out of my touch and sighed, playing with one of the belts on the end of his jacket. I straightened my back and crossed my arms. "My life's...starting over, and I need to come to terms with everything I've lost...and everything I've gained. Which includes something important you've made me realise. I don't know if it's friendship, or an anomaly on my programming. After all I'm not...really human. But whatever it is, I can't deny that I'm feeling closer to you than anyone else I've ever met." Danse looked back up at me, right into my eyes, and smiled.  
My heart leapt into my throat and began hammering away. The thoughts from hours ago in Danse's quarters -my quarters- came back full force. The idea that I was in love with Paladin Danse. The idea that Danse doesn't keep _just_ friends. My throat went dry, and I had to swallow hard before I felt like I could talk. I spoke softly and I could hear the fear in my voice. "I feel the same way, Danse. I just...I'm only hoping it's more than _just_ friendship."  
Danse looked like a deer in the headlights. I've never seen him look so shocked. His eyebrows were receding into his hairline and his big doe eyes, moments ago brimming with angry tears, were full of surprise and a sort of wonderment. "Are you saying you're... _in love with me_?" He didn't look angry, or disgusted. I slowly nodded, and stared at the floor beside me, waiting for him to tell me to leave. He just sounded so confused. "This doesn't make any sense. After everything the Brotherhood taught you, how could you be in love with...well, a machine?"  
"Damn it, Danse, if you were just a machine, would we even be _having_ this conversation?"  
"I don't know. I'm not certain what the Institute embedded into my brain to handle things like this. If I was human, wouldn't this be a hell of a lot easier?" I scoffed and took a step back, mumbling a retort. "Yeah, Danse, this is just a walk in the park for me. Do it every day."  
"I...I honestly don't know what to say. I didn't expect our conversation to lead to this. Look...I'm not going to lie to you." My heart sank to the floor and I bit back tears. What an enormous idiot I've been.  
"You're going to have to be patient with me. Coming to terms with these...well, human feelings is going to be a very difficult journey. But if we can tackle these obstacles together, I think that this relationship could last a very long time." His words replayed in my head as I struggled to grasp them. Relationship?  
I looked up at him, stunned. "Are you...saying _yes_ , Danse?" My voice sounded so small, and so hopeful. I'd only come to the conclusion I was in love with him hours ago and, and now - Danse rose to his feet and closed the space between us. He leaned forward, cupping my cheek in his right palm, his thumb stroking my bottom lip almost reverently. I parted my lips, struggling to breathe. My chest feeling tight, my heart barely able to speed away inside it.  
He gripped my jaw and pulled me into an open mouthed kiss. Fire lit up all over my body and I couldn't suppress the small moan I made. I hadn't been kissed in so long, and this felt so right. I couldn't comprehend what was happening, but Danse's methods left little room for attempt. His kiss was rigid, his lips just a little too hard, and I kept feeling teeth on my lips, grazing, and then biting.  
At a loss for what to do with my hands, I slipped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me, deepening the kiss. Danse's other arm slid around my waist and yanked my hips against his. Another moan tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop it, and Danse responded with a small groan of his own.  
Danse's lips fell from mine as he pulled away, the hand holding my cheek moving to grip my hair and yank my head back to give him access to my neck. The gesture was rough, and I felt a twinge in my shoulder - but _god_ , it was _hot_. A shudder ran down my spine at being manhandled by Danse. His lips traced the length of my jugular with chaste kisses. He brushed his top teeth against my throat and bit down sharp and quick, soothing it afterwards with his tongue. I felt my jeans becoming restrictive. His hand on my hip drifted lower and gripped my ass, his hips grinding forward as his hand on my ass pulled my hips against him. I could feel him growing harder by the second.  
"D- _Danse_..." Every part of my body felt _so hot_. Danse was treating this -accepting our relationship- just like he does everything else; with burning, unmatched intensity. But there was still an urgency to his touches that suggested he'd been wanting this for a while. His hand dipped below my jeans and massaged my ass directly, and I couldn't suppress a shiver at the flesh-on-flesh contact. His other hand kept it's grip on my hair, and he crushed his lips back into mine. After a few moments, I pushed gently on Danse's shoulders, and he broke off immediately, one hand still in my jeans, the other drifting to hold my lower back.  
"Is something wrong..?" I could tell he was as out of breath as I was. His voice was almost hoarse with need, and I could feel blood surge to my cock. I could tell he felt that, too, pressed so close to me, because he grinned. "What do you need?"  
"I need- to sit down. Or lie down. Don't care. Legs are weak. I'm going to collapse and it will be embarrassing for both of us." Danse laughed and turned us around, pushing me to sit on the edge of the bed. My legs were grateful for it, and I practically stumbled before I sat down. Instead of sitting with me, or leaning over me like I'd expected, Danse knelt in front of me. "Lie back, _soldier_." His command flooded my body with lust and I whined before I could stop myself. I lied on my back like he'd asked, running my fingers through my hair and gripping the sheets beside me, struggling to calm down.  
Danse ran his hands up my thighs and played with my belt buckle. As soon as he'd unclipped it and pulled it loose, he reached to pull my zipper down with his teeth, and slowly pulled my jeans off. I could hear him groan the moment he figured out I hadn't been wearing anything under them. I couldn't help but laugh. " _Surprise_ , Danse. Never could stand underwear. Made my- _oh, fuck_.. _!_ " Danse cut off every train of thought when he slid his tongue up the underside of my cock, took the head of it into his mouth and _sucked_. It took everything I had not to thrust into his mouth. One of my hands went to cover my mouth and muffle the noise I was making as Danse bowed his head and took the whole thing in, hollowing his cheeks and moving his head slowly up and down.  
He swallowed around it. I could hear him hastily tearing the front of his jeans open and touching himself through his jumper. I couldn't form coherent sentences, anymore. All I could think about, or feel, was Danse. All I could hear was his breathing, and the obscene noises coming from his mouth. My fingers felt their way to his hair, soft and so nice to touch. I gripped and pulled him down as my hips went up. I could feel him moan around me. My cock hit the back of his throat and he gagged, the feeling of it flooding my pelvis with pleasure. "Oh, _fuck, yes_ , Danse..!"  
His hands moved from my hips, one going to push one of my thighs away, the other slipping fingers between my teeth. They tasted like salt, dirt, and ozone from the laser fire making our way here, but I couldn't care. Every last bit of mental capacity was being stripped from me as my hips began to shake. I sucked and kissed his fingers. I caught a glimpse of his eyes burning with lust as he pulled off my cock for a moment to wipe his mouth and dive right back in, enveloping me in his throat again a moment later.  
He took his fingers away, gleaming with saliva, and before I could realise what he was doing, one of his fingers slid deep into my ass. My hand fell away from my mouth as I cried out in pleasure. I hadn't experienced anything like this in two hundred years - it all just felt so fucking good. I couldn't stop my hips from grinding into his mouth. My body took over, and I was writhing, trying to buck against his fingers. He slid a second in and began scissoring my ass. The stretch burned me with pleasure and I couldn't take any more. I cried out his name and filled his mouth with my release. Danse groaned, swallowing around me, lifting his head slowly off when I was finally done. My cock exited his lips with a pop.  
I lay there exhausted as he removed his fingers from me and cleaned them on a rag from the nightstand. The cabin was filled with the sounds of my heavy breathing and Danse's movement. He was stripping himself of his jeans and jumpsuit. I watched for his cock to spring forward, but it didn't. It was soft and flaccid and oddly wet. I looked up at Danse, as amused as I was stunned. "Danse, you _came_ from that?"  
He blushed and looked guilty. Perhaps even embarrassed. He stuttered, desperately searching for a reply. I sat up and pulled him into another kiss, silencing him. "Don't worry about it. Really. It's actually pretty cute. I have to ask though, did you ever think about this _before_?"  
Danse kept the blush and he looked away. "I...started to feel attracted to you when you first started wearing the jumpsuit."  
"So you've noticed how nice everyone's ass looks in them too, huh?" Danse sputtered and I laughed. "Come on. Do you think you can sleep?" He nodded and sat beside me in the bed, getting comfortable. I threw the ratty old wool blanket over us and drifted away, feeling warm and safe with the sound of his heartbeat as my lullaby.

* * *

  
I woke up to the sun beaming into my eyes from a hole in the sheet metal walls. I felt so warm, and my body was so relaxed. The night's events slowly came back to me and I smiled, opening my eyes to see skin - I was laying on Danse's chest.  
"Danse..?"  
Danse slowly opened his eyes, only half sleeping, and looked at me. He smiled. "Good morning, soldier. Did you know you talk in your sleep?"  
I could feel my face heating with a blush and my ears get hot. Danse laughed at the expression I must have had on. "Nothing incriminating. A lot of my name, and perhaps a few obscene colloquialisms. ' _Fuck me_ ' may have been one of them." I groaned and covered my face. My dream came flooding back to me - we were trapped on an elevator in some building on a field op, and Danse was...inside me. "Don't be embarrassed, please. It's...nice." Danse pulled my hand away from my face and kissed it. The gesture had my heart wrenching in my chest.  
"Oh, _Danse_. How can anyone believe you're anything other than the most perfect human being in the Commonwealth?" I stroked Danse's face with the hand he'd kissed. Danse's smile faded, and he seemed distinctly uncomfortable about the subject, understandably. He mumbled lowly, as though he didn't really want to say it but couldn't stop himself. "What about Nora?"  
I winced and sighed. The jab stung, but it was forgivable. "I'm not going to lie, Nora would be very upset - _if_ she was alive and well, and we were still together. Right now, we're not, because she's dead, and I know - _for a fact, Danse_ \- that she would want me to be happy. She wouldn't want me to deny how I feel about you in order to cling to the memory of our past life. She wouldn't want me to live in the moment that killed her." Danse turned his head and placed kisses against my palm. "Of course. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought her up. We were having such a nice morning and I-...I apologise. I'm not very good at these things."  
"Danse, you're a soldier. Not a housewife, or a beautiful lawyer, or a doting mother, or any of the things Nora was. It's part of the reason I love you. It's a completely different love than what I had with Nora in a completely different world than the one Nora and I lived in."  
"You make a fair point. I didn't doubt your ability to make the right choice - I just want to tell you that I'm very glad you thought _I_ was the right choice. Even if I don't fully understand the reason why." I just smiled at him and closed my eyes. He was warm and I felt _safe_.  
Until I realised I ditched the Prydwen without any word to anyone over 12 hours ago. Maxson must think I deserted the Brotherhood. "Shit. Fuck. _Fuck, Danse!_ " I launched out of the bed and began throwing on clothes. Danse stood from the bed in alarm and pointed his laser rifle at the door. He looked oddly funny in his usual fighting stance, only buck naked. I couldn't help but laugh some. "Danse, no - it's fine, we're fine. I just didn't tell anyone I was leaving or where I was going when I left the Prydwen last night."  
Danse loosened his stance and sat back down on the bed, putting clothes on much more slowly than I was. "Report to the Prydwen. I'll keep watch here - unless you want me to head back to the bunker, of which I'm completely fine with. Wherever you want me."  
"You can stay here and hold down the cabin. I won't stand for you being locked underground in that disgusting place. You'll be safe, and Preston told me he hasn't seen a single patrol in all his time here - since shortly after I left the Vault. You can relax or help with work or whatever it is you feel like doing. Just don't think you aren't earning your keep or something and hurt yourself. I'll be back as soon as I can, Danse." I picked up Homewrecker and Righteous Authority and armed myself before heading out the door.  
Danse was back in the clothes I'd given him the night before. He grabbed my arm before I left. "Just...be careful. If anything happened to you, I...I honestly don't know what I'd do." The broken sincerity in Danse's voice pulled at my heartstrings. I was hopeless for this man.  
I leaned in and kissed Danse firmly, and with that as my response, my promise - I left.


	9. Another Walk in the Park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Out of the frying pan, into the fire!

It was moments before we headed into the final battle. Moments before Elder Maxson and I descend into the Institute's depths, killing everything in our wake, making a beeline to blow the reactor core. All I could see, hear, and feel is the intensity of Liberty Prime's enormous laser destroying everything beneath it's piercing stare. Burning our way into Father's den. Into Shaun's home.  
Part of me wanted him to be there with a gun in his hands just like every other wretch in this wasteland. Part of me wanted him to fight me, and to fall under my overwhelming strength and integrity. To fall under the gifts the Brotherhood of Steel have relentlessly granted me since the day I stepped out of the Vault. The lessons Paladin Danse taught me.  
I know Danse would want to be there - to fight with us. With his family - his brothers and sisters. With his mentor, Maxson, and myself - his _lover_ , and his apprentice. I wanted him to be there. I felt bad, terrible, knowing I might not make it out of here alive - knowing I promised to come back to him, only to come back to him as a torn, folded flag. If Maxson even saw to grant him that much.  
I was terrified of it happening to Nora, but it's not going to happen to Danse. The empty ghost of my son is not going to end my life.   
Elder Maxson, my brothers and sisters, and I entered the Institute and annihilated everything between us and the reactor. We blew holes through anyone -synth or human- on our way through several of the Institute's science wings. I lost three of my brothers on the way. I made damn sure I collected their holotags for them to be honored when we went home. If I didn't, every piece would have been lost when the reactor blew.   
When we'd stepped into the main atrium, the place was alight with synths. I was so focused on trying not to get shot by laser fire and protect my allies that I hadn't noticed an Institute Courser with a stealth-boy. It got the drop on me and plunged a large knife into my upper left arm, using it like a handle in my flesh whilst it twisted my arm in places it was never supposed to be twisted. I heard a snap and white-hot pain flooded my body. Maxson turned around in a flash and mowed down the Courser with his laser gatling, Final Judgement.  
 I sunk to the floor, the pain in my arm rippling across my entire nervous system. I was already shouting for a medic before I realised the Knight we brought with us for that very purpose was shot down in the last room. Her blood soaked tags were tucked tightly in one of my pockets.   
The other Knights took out the remaining synths and cleared the atrium whilst Maxson dragged me over to the ridiculous waste of clean water they had cascading down a fountain near the center. He pulled me in and began washing the wound, and stuck me with three stimpaks to get the healing process to work quickly. It was a large knife. Thankfully the Courser had stabbed my arm vertically, because if he had chosen to turn the knife, I wouldn't have an arm right now. Maxson pulled it out slowly so that the Stimpaks would heal my flesh around the knife as it was removed.   
Maxson's efforts prevented a fatal amount of blood loss, but I was still losing blood rapidly and I didn't have the foresight to bring a blood pack. Idiot. Only when Maxson punched me straight in the jaw did I realise I was beginning to fade out of consciousness. "Sit _straight_ , Paladin! We're not done here." I heard Maxson barking orders at the Knights around us. One of them had thankfully scavenged medical supplies from the surrounding area and brought him a blood pack. Maxson forced the needle into my arm and I could feel my heart struggling to keep up.  
Maxson twisted my arm back into it's socket and I screamed in agony so loudly my voice gave out halfway through. Proctor Ingram, blind to what was going on, had managed to get into their intercom system and was currently broadcasting updates to us. "Paladin, we've located the reactor. It's accessible through the Advanced Systems division. Only...you can't reach it. The security override can only come from the Director's terminal. You'll need to access his quarters."  
I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. I was hoping I would have to face Shaun again. Especially after what he's done to Danse. Whether his existence has always been as a synth, or he was built to replace a previous Danse, it was still Shaun's error. His cruelty. Maxson gripped my jaw to face him and a Knight used his power armor's headlamp to check my eyes. I winced and drew away from it, attempting to stagger to my feet. Maxson took my good arm and helped lift me up.  
"I'm fine. Get that fucking light out of my eyes, Knight, I said I'm fine." I sounded drunk. My voice was slurring and my vision was blurry, but getting better every second. I hit myself with another two Stimpaks and checked my vitals through my Pip-boy.   
The blood loss had been stemmed and my heart was stable. I couldn't feel my arm, it dangled loosely at my side. But I was going to live at least until our mission was over. I gripped Righteous Authority in favor of the better recoil. Without two hands, Homewrecker would ruin my other arm. I stalked into the elevator. The last thing I saw as it descended was Maxson standing at salute, my blood smeared across his battle coat. He knew exactly what this meant. Who the Director is. _Was_.

* * *

  
I stepped through the all too familiar hallways into Shaun's hab suite. The child synth was missing and I was glad of it. Perhaps he'd had it scrapped. Good riddance. I made my way up the stairs, searching for his console, only to find him laying in bed nearby it. What a leader _he_ makes. Lying in bed while his people are slaughtered like cattle.  
"Shaun."  
Shaun looked at my arm, uniform torn open by the knife and caked in blood, dripping on his floor. He then looked back up at my face. I may look like I've been through a warzone - _and I have_ \- but he looked worse, somehow. Pale, sickly. There was clearly something wrong with him.  
"I didn't expect to see you again. I don't suppose you're here because you've changed your mi-"  
"I'm here to blow up your _reactor_ , Shaun. Put an end to your madness. Put an end to the Institute." Shaun finally began to show emotion. Rage. Indignation. Disgust. "At least there's no need for guessing games now. It's not enough that I lay here, dying...Now you plan on _what_ , destroying everything? Tell me, under what righteous pretense have you justified this _atrocity_?"  
"For every city in the Commonwealth you've massacred and razed to the ground for the sake of the self-entitled people of the Institute. For every father, mother, sibling and child that lost someone because you felt that furthering your synths was a better use of _their_ lives. For Paladin Danse, whom you created only to watch him fall. And most of all for the Brotherhood. I told you I would watch this place burn, Shaun. I also told Kellogg that nothing would stop me from finding you in the first place. You should have taken that as a warning."  
"It's hard to believe I'm related to you. We could not _be_ more different. And Paladin Danse -who was that, exactly? Sorry if I can't _keep track_ of the _company_ you keep."  
"M7-97. My best friend, forcefully removed from the Brotherhood because of the danger he posed. Because of what you created him to be, regardless of what he is now."  
"Ah. M7-97. One of our missing synths. But I suppose you found that out by that data holotape you stole away when I wasn't looking. I remember overseeing his creation myself. As you know, synths cannot 'grow up' - but Danse didn't need to. He was built to replace someone. Paladin Danse was a boy who grew up and joined the Brotherhood. And then on his journey, after he had murdered his friend, Cutler - he needed time alone. He thought he was close enough to the encampment, but my Coursers, even then, could get within inches of a _turret_ and not be noticed. An overemotional young man was no issue. That's when we took him. We duplicated him perfectly overnight. M7-97 took Danse's place, completely unaware that he was a synth and identical in every way to the original."  
I felt the bile rise in my throat. "What you did to him -the human Danse- was appalling. But what you did to the synth Danse is somehow worse. You remade a Danse that you could control, for _what_? For what purpose could you possibly need a synthetic Brotherhood Knight? He wasn't even in the Commonwealth at the time. You must have gone _far_ out of your way to make that happen."  
"I had studied the way the Brotherhood carried itself for years. We are exactly what the Brotherhood hates the most and as the Director of the Institute I knew we were enemies before they even knew we existed. I also knew Danse would rise quickly in the ranks. He was perfect. Everything the Brotherhood loves - brute strength, blind unwavering loyalty, and an abundance of vindication for the Brotherhood's actions. Nobody would suspect Danse of being a traitor - especially if even he wasn't aware of it. I didn't know for sure if he would end up in the Commonwealth, but I had a feeling - and I wasn't wrong, was I?"  
"So why haven't you yanked him back into your fold for- for dissection? Why is he still considered missing?"  
"He didn't _always_ have that scar upon his face, but we lost all contact with him when it happened. We're completely unable to establish a connection with the M7-97 unit. We had intended to retrieve him in the field once he had entered the Commonwealth, but knowing he had become a Paladin and had a strong connection to the Brotherhood fleet in the Capital Wasteland was too much of a risk to take him openly - we knew his subordinates would send a distress signal, and it would risk the entire Brotherhood discovering our presence here. A missing Knight, perhaps picked off by raiders - easily excused. But a Paladin needed to be taken care of more gently. And after you found him at Cambridge - well. _You_ took up all of our time and resources. He became a much less important project."  
"It was your last mistake."  
"I'm aware of this. None of it matters now, anyway, I suppose. You'll accomplish your mindless destruction and ruin humanity's best hope for the future. The only question I have left for you is why you even bothered to show up here. Is it regret, or did you just come to gloat?"  
"I wanted to see you one last time before your whole empire comes crashing down around you."  
"Get _out_ of here."  
I was enraged. All I could see was red. What he's done in his life is inexcusable - but what he did to Danse is unforgivable to the highest possible degree. I pulled out Righteous Authority - the laser rifle Danse gave me upon completion of our first mission together. Paladin Danse's holotags glistened in the light, dangling gently from around the barrel. I pressed the end of the rifle against Shaun's head. He looked at me with rage and with a distinct fear. A father should feel protective when his son is afraid, not itching to pull the trigger.  
But this isn't my son.  
Danse's tags clinked against one another as the rifle fired. There was an ugly, burned hole through Shaun's head, slowly bleeding down his face from what the laser fire didn't manage to cauterize.

* * *

  
The rest of the assault went by in a flash. I was full of adrenaline and I had to keep using Stimpaks in order to keep moving. My vision would get blurry, and my legs would start refusing to work, and I would need to stimpak myself against the injury. I lost count of how many I'd used. Before I knew it, Maxson was in front of me, standing on the pad ready to teleport out of here. I was barely listening to them both, the sound of blood rushing by my ears too loud to really hear, the pain in the whole left side of my body starting to radiate, until Ingram said something that made my stomach twist into angry knots.  
"Sorry, Elder, I would, but...well, this child showed up. He claims to be the Paladin's son, sir." Maxson shot me a look and stepped slowly out of the doorway, Final Judgement poised next to the synth Shaun's head, ready to fire whenever necessary. I realise he may believe I might take in this abomination as though it really were my son, given the mercy and adoration I may have for Paladin Danse - but Paladin Danse is human in actions and feelings. This thing is the farthest from humanity Shaun has ever managed to reach.  
"Please, dad...Don't leave me here! I want to go with you!"  
"You're not going anywhere with me. You're not my son."   
"But you can't just leave me here! I don't want to die!"   
" ** _You're not Shaun!_** " I shouted at it, my voice echoing through the small, empty room. My heart twisted in my chest as I stared into his face, still bleeding inside from the loss of my real son. My _infant_ son. "You're...you're _not_ Shaun. Get _away_ from me!"  
"You're just going to leave me here!? I can't believe it. I hate you!" The synth Shaun ran and hid in the hallway, crying it's crocodile tears. The sobs were occasionally raked by a cry of terror and fear. Ingram looked at it with concern, and then looked at me.  
"Fire it up, Ingram. Let's get the fuck out of here."  
" _Hang on_. You're telling me you'd leave that kid here to die? He's your son!"  
"Do you have a problem with that?"  
"A problem!? Hell yes, I have a problem! You're letting your son get blown to bits. I think that qualifies."  
"He's not my _god damned son_ , Ingram! He's a synth. My son is dead."  
Ingram's face flashed with horror, and then she looked nauseated. "The Institute made synths that look like children?" The rest of Ingram's spouting was drowned out. I turned and stepped into the relay chamber. The last thing I heard and saw was the synth Shaun, running towards me, screaming "Please, dad, don't leave me here!"  
The next thing I knew I was on the roof of Mass Fusion next to the detonator. I had pressed the button before Maxson was even finished talking. He can scold me for decorum later. I wanted that fucking thing dead, _now_.  
I heard the Earth crack as a blinding blue light shot out of under the CIT building. I could feel the radiation from here as it exploded spectacularly, blinding me momentarily. Every piece of dirt and dust in the Commonwealth for miles surrounding it was kicked up and everything was bathed in smoke. Even up here, I could feel the heat, and the force. The radiation. It all felt so familiar. It all felt so fucking full-circle.  
I watched the dust settle into rolling clouds and the bright fire that engulfed everything around the Institute dim into an enormous pillar of black smoke. I felt my arm throb and my world went black. 

* * *

  
I woke up on the Prydwen, in the medical bay. The bright lights and low din from the Prydwen's engines told me that much. I could also hear the beep from a heart monitor that might as well have been right next to my ear with how loud it was. It was piercing my head every second it continued.  
I opened my mouth to ask for Knight-Captain Cade to shut the damn thing off, but the sound I that came out was my dry tongue peeling off the roof of my mouth. I went to move my left arm but found it completely disobeying. I decided to use my right instead, which seemed like the more reasonable arm today. I smacked the side of the bed and heard footsteps and Cade's voice.  
"Good, you're awake. Do you know where you are?"  
I opened my eyes to glare at him and immediately regretted it. It felt like staring into the sun. My voice was raspy and hoarse, and my words were slurring despite my best efforts to keep them steady. "Turn th'fuckin lights off, Cade. _Jesus_."  
Cade grunted and pulled the privacy curtain around my bed, blocking out a lot of the direct light. At least it made it slightly easier to open my eyes. I gave him the glare I had intended moments ago but it hadn't the same affect. "Do you need water, Paladin?"  
"Nnno. _Whiskey_."  
"Whiskey is hardly appropriate. You've overdosed on Stimpaks and your arm is beyond any further medical assistance. You'll be healing on your body's strength alone - and whiskey isn't going to-"  
"Shh, Cade. _Shhh_. You have no idea what I've just been through. _Whiskey_." I started giggling and I had no idea why.  
"Wow, you put me on some _good shit_ , Cade. Whassis? Twelve bottles of Buffout and some Med-x? I haven't felt this good since I broke m'leg in the Navy and all we had was bourbon and Med-X."  
I heard him playing around with equipment nearby and closed my eyes again. "There we go. It should be fading, soon. I augmented your IV with Addictol and some supplements to help clear your head. Maxson wants you released and to report to him as soon as possibe."  
Whatever else he put in there was working fast. With a clear head came the pain in my upper arm and I felt like throwing up. "Killjoy."  
"You're welcome." I sat up and groaned, my left arm limp and still refusing to move. "Cade. What's wrong with my arm? I can feel everything above the elbow but I can't fucking move the thing. Don't tell me I have to walk around with a noodle hanging from my left."  
"Well when you dislocated and fractured it, it tore apart a cluster of nerves. Not to mention the blood loss and severe tissue damage. In essence, you managed to mangle it. I did what I could, but the rest is something you body's going to have to figure out on it's own. We'll see where it goes as it heals, but for now, take this sling. Don't go bashing into things." Knight-Captain Cade handed me a white arm sling and helped me move my arm into it.  
"Just a fracture?"  
"Yes, you won't need a cast as long as you're not going to be charging facefirst into a Mirelurk queen. But, knowing Elder Maxson..." Cade sighed and handed me a new Brotherhood uniform to wear. It was all black, and I kind of liked it better than my orange. I wonder why the change of color. "Run out of Sunshine to put in these uniforms, Cade?"  
"Ingram's right, you're a _real comedian_. Get to Maxson and get out of my medbay. I've done all I can for you and there are other patients from the battle that need tending to."  
Oh. Shit. "The tags-"  
"The tags are safe with Maxson. He had already given his memorial speech to the fallen while you were out."  
"How long was I out?"  
"Three days, give or take. It was a lot of recovery and surgery."  
I seem to have a habit for being knocked out for days on end. I sighed and changed behind the privacy curtain before grabbing my personal effects and leaving. Someone had done a wonderful job of cleaning and polishing Homewrecker and Righteous Authority. They were both spic and span, and even Danse's tags were shining like new. Haylen had left a note on it - 'Thank you!' was all it said. I'll need to find a way to bring her to Sanctuary.  
When I arrived on the Command deck, after taking a good few minutes trying to figure out how to one-hand operate a ladder with as weak as I was from bedrest, Maxson and Lancer-Captain Kells had promoted me to Sentinel. Maxson and I shared a small moment as I joked with him about being next in line. He seemed to have actually took the joke this time. Later that night I was wandering back from the restroom when I saw Maxson's lights were still on in his quarters.  
I walked to Maxson's office-slash-habsuite and opened the door. Maxson had the right idea and was sat, slumped in a chair, in front of a half-empty whiskey bottle with plenty more on the table. He was holding a glass in one hand and a thick cigar in the other. He looked up at me, eyes partially glazed from drunkenness, and motioned to the table. "Sit."  
"It's nice to see your pleasant demeanor and sparkling personality shine through even when off-duty, Maxson." I sat across from Maxson at his table and took the liberty of pouring myself some whiskey. "I'm never off-duty. I'm the Elder."  
"You sure look off-duty to me." Maxson just scoffed and took a drag of his cigar, rolling his head back and exhaling, the smoke billowing towards the ceiling. I took a long swig of the whiskey and winced as it burned down my throat. I relished the feeling.  
Maxson just looked at me, long and pensively for a few moments, and then poured my glass almost full again. "Get drunk with me." Getting drunk off my ass sounded great right now, and I wasn't normally the type to forget with a bottle's assistance. "Gladly, sir. Knight-Captain Cade seems to think whiskey is going to be contrary to my recovery, but what does he know? Besides, I was hoping we'd have another vice-party in your quarters. I did just stagger out of another grievous injury. At least this time I bled." I took the whole glass down my throat again and it burned slightly less than the last time, but I still needed to shake my head to get a grip.  
"What defines a human, Sentinel?" His thoughts were fragmented and he was slurring here and there. It was odd to see Maxson as anything but completely composed.   
"Wow. Straight to the punch. I mean I knew you were a hard-hitter, but uh...I think I'm gonna need to be more drunk to answer that." I took down another two glasses of whiskey before he spoke again.  
"I know what he told you. About Danse. And what you did. To your son, that is. You shot him." I looked at him for a moment. On one hand I could lash out in rage. On the other I could drink more and hopefully I would forget any of this ever happened. I chose to drink more. This time I just took the bottle, and Maxson didn't seem phased. He just opened another to refill his glass.  
I mumbled around the lip of the bottle before taking another swig of it. "He's not my son."  
"By what terms? Biologically, he is your son. But you reject him."  
"Do you blame me? Besides. Not everything can be defined or reasoned through strictly physical and biological terms."  
"You're talking about Danse, again." That caught me off guard. I looked at him strangely and he took a puff from his cigar before he addressed my confusion. "Danse. Human in all but biology."  
"Oh. I guess I never looked at it that way."  
"No. You're too smitten with the idea of ' _Danse_ ' to contemplate what it is. It's a creature born out of the corpse of my friend. My most trusted officer. But if it is truly a carbon copy of Danse, down to being unaware it's nothing _but_ the original Danse, what makes it inhuman besides it's physical form?"  
"Nothing. Which is why I've accepted Danse but rejected Shaun. Shaun is the exact opposite of Danse in every way. He's my son in physical form and that's it. Nothing else about him is related to me as my offspring or anything of the sort. Danse is human, my lover, in every way besides his synthetic physical form."  
Maxson sunk a little more into his chair and took another swig of whiskey. " _Lover_." The word tumbled out of his mouth, laced with disgust. I could tell the idea made him sick, but he wasn't entirely sure why. I know he's all about forming bonds with one another; the deeper the bond, the better. There are several couples of all kinds on the Prydwen alone. It's not homophobia that sickens him; it's his loathing and hatred for synths.  
"I hate synths too, you know. I really do. Everything they've done, everything they are, everything they stand for - all of it. It's an aberration. I'm glad I wiped the source out and I'm looking forward to every last synth I kill because it's one more closer to being eradicated entirely. You were right. They simply should not exist. Don't doubt for a moment I don't agree with you because of my infatuation with Paladin Danse."  
"I never doubted you. If I had, I would have executed you both. I realised you understood something I did not, that night with Danse at Listening Post Bravo. And I certainly would never have let you lead the charge into the Institute during the final assault." I picked my bottle back up and finished it.   
"I knew it hurt you, Maxson. You're human. You trusted Danse, and you felt so betrayed and enraged by the realisation of what he was - your absolute enemy. But imagine this - imagine if you had never found out what Danse was. Imagine if Danse had never found out, either. How do you think our lives would be? Danse would be back on deck, loyally serving the Brotherhood until the day he died, gladly and without question under your leadership. You know that for a _fact_. He was ready to die for you even after this revelation, and even now, he's so proud of the Brotherhood and everything it does. So I'm asking you - what does this realisation actually change? Especially now that the Institute is completely destroyed and we know that Danse can't be 'switched off' or 'recalled.'"  
Maxson stared angrily at the table for a moment and put his cigar out beside the ashtray just to hear the wood protest against the heat. "Get out."  
His words were without venom towards me. Angry, but not with me. I studied Maxson's face a moment and knew the look from what my father would give me sometimes when I was a boy. A look that says "leave, I'm not good company right now." I sat there and poured myself another glass.  
"This will end badly for you, Sentinel."  
"Yeah, and every other day is a walk in the park."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I made it clear, but if it wasn't, Vincent's arm is paralyzed from just above the elbow down from the courser's attack. These things can actually heal, given time, but it's a slim chance. Considering the nature of the Wasteland, Cade's willing to give Vince's arm time before they consider alternatives.


	10. Pulling Apart

I knew it was a risk to fly to Sanctuary in a Brotherhood Vertibird, but I was not going to trek across the entirety of the Commonwealth -from Boston Airport to Sanctuary- on foot with one arm. No way in Hell. I don't think I'd die, certainly not, but I wouldn't show up in very good shape. I'll probably fall off a cliff into a murky pool filled with corpses. Or something. Besides, I wasn't flying to Sanctuary - just nearby it.  
The pilot gave me a strange look as I staggered off of the Vertibird onto the Red Rocket Gas Station's roof. I saluted him as he flew off and sighed in relief once he was out of my range of vision. I leaped off the roof and landed awkwardly, tripping before finding my feet. I was still slightly hungover.  
I was dressed in my Brotherhood Officer's uniform and a bomber jacket I stole from Maxson's room when he'd drunk himself to sleep. I don't remember why I took it but I was drunk and it's nice and warm. I don't have any orders now anyway - I don't have a reason to be covered in combat armor.  
I made my way towards Sanctuary and it only took a few minutes for Preston to find me. He was clearly heading that way to investigate the Vertibird's sudden appearance, but the minute he saw me he must have thought something was wrong. I couldn't blame him, considering I was still weak and limping, more than a little hungover, and my arm was in a sling. He sprinted over and immediately lifted my right arm over his shoulder and started to carry me back to Sanctuary.  
"What happened, General? Did the Brotherhood do this?"  
"What, I blow up the Institute, and now the _Brotherhood_ takes the place as the Commonwealth's Boogeyman? Come _on_ , Preston, you know better. And thank you, but I'm fine, really." I slipped my arm back away from Preston and began to walk at his pace on my own, giving his shoulder a squeeze to thank him for the support. "I've been given a full go-ahead by Knight-Captain Cade. Uh, that is, the Brotherhood's main doctor on the Prydwen. It took a couple surgeries but really, I'm fine. Just recovering."  
"You- _you blew up the Institute_? There were innocent people in there! You can't just-"  
"Can we talk about it later? I'm serious. We can have a full morality and decisions conversation, complete with bourbon. Whatever you want. I'll even make dinner. But right now I need to see Danse, and I need to know he's safe." Preston gave me a withering stare but recognized my sincerity. I really was not ready to talk to him about the Institute or anything yet. He nodded as we crossed through the fences and past the farm, towards the small cabin built for travelers. Where I last saw Danse.  
"He's fine, and in there. We better talk about this later, General. It's important. Do you...need anything from me? From the Minutemen?"  
"No, Preston. But don't worry. I have no further orders from my superiors and Elder Maxson has granted me a leave of absence to recover from our final assault. The Minutemen will be my primary focus when I regain the feeling back in my arm and I can fight at full efficiency."  
"Good. I'm glad to hear it." Preston walked away, smiling. He's a teddy bear of a man, I swear to god. I walked through the door and felt the heat of a charging laser rifle against my temple. "I'm really glad to see you too, Danse."  
Danse dropped his gun entirely and threw his arms around me, crushing me against his chest in a bearhug. It would have been nice if my arm wasn't lodged between us, protesting mightily in the form of searing pain. My grunt and hiss of pain made him back off immediately.  
"What happened to you? I heard about the Institute. I heard the explosion from here. It's been _four days_ , are you alright?"  
It took me a moment to regain my senses and for my arm to calm down. I sat on the bed and slumped against the headboard, getting comfortable before I replied. "Do we have any fancy lads?" I looked around in the nightstand for any trace of a treat.  
"I-... _what_? Palad-... _Vincent_ , are you feeling alright?" I think that's the first time I've ever heard Danse use my real name. It brought a shiver up my spine and I could feel myself stir in my uniform. I looked up at him and bit my lip. Danse was wearing tight black jeans and a button-up that was clearly too small for him. It fit tightly around his arms, almost as though he'd burst out of it if he tensed any more, and he could only manage to button up the bottom three. The rest of his shirt was splayed open.  
"No, Danse. I'm all banged up, my left arm is fractured and my elbow got dislocated, ruining some nerves and making my muscles useless, I'm hungover, and I really want cake. I mean, I have never wanted cake more in my entire life. And you're turning me on." Danse sputtered and blushed before making his way to a table and sorting through some food items, grabbing a box of Fancy Lads Snack Cakes. "Oh hell, _yes_ , Danse. You're my hero."  
He walked over and sat on the bed beside me, shifting as close as he could get so I could lean against him and enjoy my cake. He threw an arm gingerly around my back to my waist and held me there. "If the Institute is gone...that means that...well, your _son_...What I mean to say is-"  
"Yeah, I'm fine. He's dead. In a nutshell, Maxson and I hit the Institute, I was injured by a sneaky Courser with a big knife, I killed Shaun myself, including that child synth, we blew it up, and Knight-Captain Cade patched me up best he could. We just have to wait to see if the feeling comes back in my arm. If it doesn't, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. If it does, I'm out of this stupid sling. Oh, and Maxson promoted me to Sentinel. I - _officially_ \- outrank you, Danse." I slid a cake in my mouth as Danse stared at me in complete shock.  
His face spread into a huge smile and I could feel my heart doing flips in my chest. " _Sentinel?_ " He sounded like he did when the Prydwen flew in. Like a little kid at Christmas. The moment I swallowed the cake, Danse held my jaw and leaned in to kiss me. Just like the first time he'd kissed me, I couldn't stop the small noise of pleasure I made when our lips connected. Danse's kiss was gentle, but not without fervor - he deepened it a fraction before pulling away and planting a kiss on my forehead.  
Cake momentarily forgotten, I shifted over his leg so I could sit in his lap and lie against his chest. He spoke softly and reverently as he ran his fingers through my hair and kept planting kisses against my head. "The Commonwealth is safe, because you chose to take a leap of faith and make a difference."  
"Mm, Danse. I could not possibly have done it without your help."  
"And I wouldn't even be alive without yours. I'd say that makes us even. If...if you'll still have me by your side, I'd be honored to accompany you." I looked up at him and laughed. "Maxson has no orders for me. I'm on recovery leave. Right now all I want to do is rebuild Sanctuary and rebuild the Minutemen. Finally fulfill my promise to Preston, and build a life for myself here. Build a life with you."  
"Do you know how to build? Most people in the Commonwealth have some knowledge of erecting shelters, but...you're pre-war. And you've been with the Brotherhood on the Prydwen since you left the Vault."  
"After the Navy, I had to re-enter the civilian workforce if I wanted to feed my family. But the problem with that is so few people wanted to hire ex-soldiers." Danse stiffened a little and anger flashed in his eyes. "Why? That's _beyond_ disrespectful."  
"Not exactly. Post-combat Navy men tended to be fit, strong men that were either mentally or physically unstable. Lost limbs or lost friends. That kind of trauma just doesn't fit into most civilian jobs. I was one of the lucky ones. One of my surviving war buddies hooked me up with a job working at his father's construction company. I was mostly doing home repairs but I also worked on-call and would get sent to construction sites when someone called out. His dad sent me to a trade school and everything."  
"Oh. So you know how to build?"  
"Yeah. In fact while I'm recovering some more I'll stay in here with you and draw up some plans for Sanctuary. I know the layout already, and we need plans before we begin to build. In the _meantime_..." I splayed my hand across Danse's bare chest, planting kisses on his neck. He grunted and drew his arms around my waist. "Has Knight-Captain Cade cleared you for these kinds of activities?"  
I couldn't help but laugh a little. "No, I didn't bother to ask if I was okay to have sex with my-...my _boyfriend_. Besides, he didn't think whiskey was a good idea, but I got all kinds of drunk with Maxson and turned out fine." Danse leaned in and captured my lips in another kiss,  gripping my hair to yank it back to kiss at my throat. "Is that why you smell like this?"  
"Mmm, like the smell of a dive bar. Delicious." I laughed and I could tell he enjoyed the rumbling it caused in my throat by the way his tongue slid across it.  
"You smell like whiskey, weapon oil, and cherry cigars. I think I could get used to it." Danse was mumbling against my throat in between tasting my skin and I suppressed a shiver. "Danse? I know we haven't talked about it, and I don't know if you're comfortable with the idea, but I-..I want you."  
"I was under the impression you already had me." Danse moved his hand between my legs, and suddenly it was very hard to think. "D-Danse, fuck." I couldn't stop my hips from bucking into his hand. "No. Damn it. That's not what I mean." I moved my hand from his chest and gripped the hand at my waist, pushing it down against my ass. His hand grabbed hold immediately, making me gasp, and his fingers played with the strap between my ass from my uniform. I looked down to meet his gaze, and his eyes were alight with both realisation and _lust_.  
I whimpered, and Danse surged forward, flipping my world around. Suddenly I was being gently laid on my back, my knees caught around his hips, Danse's eyes locked onto my arm so he wouldn't hurt me. I felt so vulnerable here. I felt so safe.  
I was too far to feel him, but I could see him throbbing beneath his jeans. I couldn't stop staring at it, and my mouth began to water. A frantic need rose in my chest that made me feel lightheaded. "I'm fine, Danse. Please, I-"  
Danse cut me off with a searing kiss. His tongue was invading my mouth almost immediately, and as we warred for dominance, his hands toyed with the zipper of my uniform. Danse was relentless and clearly distracted. To break the kiss, I needed to jerk my head to the side, and Danse began biting my earlobe instead. "Oh god, I want you, Danse. I _need_ you." I reached for the buttons on Danse's shirt and yanked, two of them coming undone, the third coming completely off.  
Danse sat back and focused on undressing me. He carefully slid the sling off, laying my arm safely against my side, and removed my uniform. He nestled himself back between my legs, moving my thighs around his hips. He was much, much closer now, and I could feel him throb against my ass. I mumbled a curse as he ground himself against me. "Fuck. Danse. What about - _ah!_ \- some assistance getting you _in_? I-I don't exactly have any personal lubricant on me."  
Danse chuckled and leaned over me, his tent pressed hard against my ass as he reached for something. All I could see was his torso and the muscles tightly packed there, and all I could smell was power armor oil and sweat. I bit my lip and whimpered again. This man was too fucking attractive. Danse sat back, holding a large bottle of cooking oil, and looked me over. "Did I hurt you?"  
"No, but I'm gonna hurt you if you wait any longer in taking off those jeans." I reached for the zipper again and Danse handed me the oil instead. "Use that."  
"You want me to-... _you want to watch_?" Danse grinned. "Is that a problem?"  
I uncorked the top and poured the oil on my cock, watching it drip down my balls and across my ass. I handed Danse the bottle back and reached for myself, rubbing the oil between and using it to slip a finger inside. I fucked myself with my finger, sliding in another and preparing my ass for Danse. Each time I hit a sweet spot or stretched my ring just right, I made a small noise of pleasure, and each one of them made Danse's eyes darken more and more.  
Finally, finally Danse hit his limit, and yanked his jeans open. He didn't even bother to take them off, he just pulled them low enough to pull his cock out. My eyes widened when I saw it. No wonder he gave me time to prepare, Danse was more than blessed when it came to girth. "Jesus, Danse. Did the radiation do that or were you _born_ with an extra arm in your pants?"  
Danse laughed first, and then took my good hand, intertwined our fingers, and pinned it above my head. His voice was husky with arousal and my hips involuntarily ground against his thighs when he spoke. "That's why I waited. I didn't want to scare you away before you were prepared." Danse punctuated the last word by thrusting his hips forward, hotdogging my ass. I could feel blood surge in his cock and he grunted quietly, pouring oil over his cock and using my ass to cover himself in it.  
Danse ground himself against my ring before lining himself up and thrusting, the first few inches finding it's way inside.  
The sudden intrusion hurt. It really did. But it felt so, _so good_ to have him inside. I started to beg Danse to go deeper, to use all of it. _Now_. Danse just watched me with his big doe eyes and gritted his teeth, desperately trying to fit more inside. He groaned like it hurt him every minute he wasn't completely seated inside me. He was trembling. I wanted to comfort him but it felt so fucking good to be so full I couldn't form words. God, I tried. His cock throbbed with my incoherent rambling.  
" _Vincent_." He groaned my name in my ear and peppered me with kisses. I whined and ground against him, mumbling a plea. "Vincent, this feels..." Danse trailed off with a groan as he bottomed out. I squirmed in pleasure and opened my eyes again, unaware I'd even closed them. I looked down to see, and blinked several times to make sure my eyes were working correctly. "Danse- _mm_ , Danse, look. Look." He looked down and bit his lip hard, groaning again. His cock was making a very visible bulge in my stomach, and it was honestly the hottest thing I'd ever seen. I'd never taken anything as big as Danse was, so I'd never experienced this before. I wrung my hand out of his grip and stroked my belly, pressing down and making him gasp.

"Oh my god, can you actually _feel_ that?" Danse responded by slowly thrusting his cock, watching as the bulge moved up and down my belly with it, and I felt him surge inside me. The novelty of it faded with the intense heat pooling in both of us. "Vincent-can I move faster? Without hurting you?" He was already covered in a sheen of sweat. My cock was starting to ache, it was so hard. I gripped Danse's jaw and pulled him into a hot kiss, breaking it to whisper in his ear.

" _Fuck me,_ Paladin."

Danse moaned in my ear, his exquisite torture over, and he snapped his hips forward quickly, bottoming out again, punctuated by my cry of pleasure. His hips started to move quickly and the crude slapping noise was drowned by my voice. I didn't know I could _be_ so loud, but I couldn't bring myself to shut up. I started to sob in pleasure under Danse, only serving to encourage him to push harder. He moved his arm to support himself, using the other to grip and stroke my cock, and I gave another strangled cry. Danse nipped my earlobe and sucked hard on my neck, hips snapping harder against me. "Oh, god, Vincent, _make that noise again_." I cried and dug my nails into his back, trying to hold myself together by pulling him closer. Everything felt _so good_. My whole body was burning. I couldn't hold still, writhing against his hips. I felt a tightness in my belly and arched my back hard, crying out his name as my cock sent thick ropes of cum onto my belly and his hand.  
My whole world was spinning, and I could vaguely hear him speaking in my post-orgasm stupor. He was still thrusting inside, and everything was so sensitive. My whole body was still singing in bliss. I had to blink a few times to focus, trying to open my ears up. Danse was making strained noises, mixed with his groans of pleasure, mumbling the same word more forcefully each time he repeated it.  "Wh-what? Danse, s-speak up. Jesus - how are you still-"  
" _Where?_ " It took me a minute to realise what he was asking, and my body lit up with arousal again. "Ohh- _inside_. Come inside me, Danse, _please_...!"  
Danse groaned in pleasure and curled over me, gripping my hips with his hands and pulling me close, burying himself inside as he came. I could feel his cock pulsing and my ass fill with his cum. Danse pulled out and collapsed onto the bed beside me. Both of us laid there for a while catching our breath.  
After a few minutes of afterglow, I heard Danse start laughing. He threw an arm around me and pulled me against him, rolling onto his side and cradling my head against the nape of his neck. I sighed and turned over, being careful not to twist or jar my arm, and nestled comfortably against him. It was a cold day, but the whole cabin was warm, Danse and I especially. My body was certainly satisfied and all my limbs felt like lead. I was so relaxed - more relaxed than I have been since I can remember.  
After another few minutes, I heard a rumbling and realised Danse was chuckling again. "Come on, Danse, share whatever's got you so amused."  
"My only sexual experiences have been short trysts with women, usually after a battle to relieve tension. I always promised myself to never fall in love with a woman and compromise my tactical efficiency. It's just like my life to have fallen in love with a man."  
I started laughing, too, and planted a kiss on his chest. "Not that I don't love cuddling with you - but I want to sneak out to the river and bathe a little. My cum is drying on my stomach and it's itchy."

* * *

  
Every hint of afterglow was gone after bathing. It took far longer than I wanted to get everything off. Lacking the functionality of one of my arms, Danse had to help clean my ass, and it might have been much more enjoyable if the water wasn't _freezing cold_. That, and the only privacy we were allowed was hiding behind the generator and water purifier standing in the shallow end of the river.  
And to top it off, when we staggered back into Sanctuary, Preston had complained about how much noise we'd made and suggested using Red Rocket Truck Stop next time. Marcy made some comment about how they could probably still hear us if we did. Danse and I were so embarrassed we locked ourselves in the cabin for the rest of the day. Sturges had dropped in to give us dinner, but beyond that everyone left us pretty well enough alone.  
Dinner was a hot radstag stew from a buck Preston had shot the other night. I was beyond grateful to have hot food. I had been wrapped in blankets the entire day wishing I could make coffee to help warm me back up. Wishing I had hot showers. I'd already started brainstorming to include hot water somehow in Sanctuary.  
Danse was sitting beside the bed on a chair he had pulled up to watch me work. I had spent the last few hours working on a layout for Sanctuary, starting with an overview of the structures that currently exist, and using a lamp and a panel of glass as a light box to trace over various new buildings and layouts I wanted to pitch to Preston. Once I had finished with the majority of my work, I had slowly begun to notice Danse was watching my work much less than he was just watching me.  
Which was starting to creep me out. "Hey, Danse?"  
His eyes seemed to refocus and he cleared his throat. "What is it, soldier?"  
"Why are you just staring at me?"  
"I like it when you're this close."  
I felt a blush creep onto my face. I covered it with my hands and mumbled into my palms. "Oh my fucking god, Danse."  
Danse's laughter filled the cabin.

* * *

  
It was morning, finally, and Danse was awake when I'd opened my eyes. He was lazily stroking my hair, and it felt amazing. I remember having a nightmare but I don't remember the least bit of what it was about. "You're making a habit of talking in your sleep."  
"What was I saying this time?"  
"I don't know. It was quiet." He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead.  
We stood and dressed quietly, each mulling in our minds over the duties we needed to perform. I kissed him on the cheek, and before I could leave, he grabbed my arm. "I'll be helping scrap one of the houses by the cul-de-sac if you need me."  
"Of course, Danse. Thanks. I think I'll be all over the place. Just scream and I'll come running." I gave him a cheeky grin and set out with hands full of settlement designs. I found Preston washing the back of his neck with one of the hand pumps by the garage. "Hey, Garvey. I got some designs here to make Sanctuary a real nice place."  
"Are you ready to have that talk now, Vincent?" It felt weird having someone use my real name. I've been running with the Brotherhood for so long. "Wow, straight to the point. Alright, but privately. I don't want-"  
Preston walked away, clearly angry. Fuck. Now I have to deal with this shit. Can the Wasteland just shut up for five minutes so I can get back to something remotely normal? I followed Preston into the garage and watched Sturges scamper out, clearly able to tell he wasn't welcome into this conversation. This shouldn't take too long. I felt fine, and there wasn't much to explain that wasn't strictly Brotherhood business.  
"The Institute is gone. I guess I'm glad about that." I was fine two seconds ago, at least. Rage pooled in my chest, thick and hot.  
"Excuse me? You _guess_?"  
Preston held his hand up. "But you just killed everyone? There wasn't any other way?"  
"No, Preston. I was too busy razing the place to the ground in a power struggle for who has the biggest dick in the Commonwealth; the Brotherhood or the Institute? _They were my enemies, Garvey._ I wasn't exactly going to drop everything I was doing to help my enemies escape."  
"No! I don't accept that. The leaders of the Institute were your enemies, maybe _they_ all deserved to die. But that doesn't justify killing the innocent along with the guilty. What you did was mass murder, plain and simple!" So _I'm_ the murderer now?  
"I couldn't be concerned _rescuing_ the scientists that were actively experimenting with FEV and turning people, or the hundreds of synths that were actively killing my brothers and sisters. Or do you think I should have stopped and gave a Fancy Lad to the Courser that took out my fucking arm and nearly ended my life?"  
Preston was quiet for a moment, and he continued to pace the floor, sighing in frustration. I had a point and he knew it. "There wasn't an innocent soul in there, Garvey. All the kidnapped people die pretty much the day they're brought in, or they're turned into mutants - which pretty much equates to a fate worse than death. I did them a favor if you ask me. And I don't know about you, but I would rather not have a league of hyperintelligent, overcurious scientists devoid of morality running around the Commonwealth doing who fucking knows what."  
"That doesn't give you the right to kill them! Who said you get to decide whether they live or die!?"  
Danse stormed through the door, standing on my side of the room, clearly alarmed at our yelling. I ignored him completely.  
"My _dead_ infant son does, Garvey! All the people who have had their fucking families ripped apart by the Institute does! Would you want to save all the scientists who invented the Atom bomb that tore the world apart? Or are mass-murdering sociopaths okay in your book as long as they're creative?"  
"You can't equate the Institute to the Great War, General!"  
"Yes I can! The Institute would have led to mankind's extinction. You had no fucking idea what they were capable of."  
"Is that you or Elder Maxson talking?" The rage pooled lower, white hot, and I saw red.  
Danse stepped between us when I reeled back a fist. I stopped before I struck Danse, just barely, fighting to regain control over myself. That rage still boiled in my hands and it burned every minute Preston wasn't on the fucking floor. How dare he?  
"That's enough. I will not allow downtalking of Elder Maxson or the Brotherhood's actions - that includes the actions of the Sentinel. The inner workings of the Brotherhood are both none of your business and none of your concern. This conversation is over. You can't change what happened, and arguing about whether it was the right choice or not clearly isn't going to lead to anything productive. I suggest you leave it where it stands before it leads to infighting. This is a settlement, not a raider camp. We don't need more bloodshed."  
I looked at Garvey and stormed out, my boots striking hard on the floor. I had to shove past some concerned settlers that had gathered by the doorway to watch. I saw someone fall over and I didn't care enough to pick them back up. How fucking _dare_ Garvey? He knows there are worse people than the Brotherhood, Maxson included. The worst thing the Brotherhood has done here is acquire some food shipments from local farms using underhanded tactics. Boohoo. It's a cruel world. He knows as well as I do that he would've jumped at the chance to be rid of the Institute threat.

* * *

  
Garvey found me a few hours later, sitting on a large rock in the middle of the river at the edge of the settlement, pouring over the designs I'd made. It was dry on the rock, and at noon, the wind on the water was producing some cool air that made it less unbearable to be alive in this heat. It had to be 90, strange considering it was maybe 40 yesterday at the same time of day. He stood there for a few moments and spoke up softly.  
"What's done is done. People are still going to need the Minutemen for a long time; the Institute was hardly the only threat out there. I'm sorry for our discussion getting out of hand. I am glad they're gone, and while I disagree with how you went about doing it, it wasn't for good reason. I know that."  
"Do you, Garvey? I have been back to Sanctuary maybe twice since the first day I met you. You have no idea what happened to me."  
"Danse told me."  
Anger flared hot again. Has everyone lost their fucking minds? Who the fuck did Danse think he was? It was my personal business, god damn it. I don't want the whole settlement to know my son was the Director. Not everyone is as intelligent as Maxson, and not everyone is going to think I'm not an infanticidal maniac.  
"He said it would be important for me to know so this kind of thing never happens again. He said it was important for me to understand. And...I'm really sorry, General. I don't even know where to start." I realised Garvey was trying to be kind, but I was in absolutely no mood for anything other than work.  
"First, don't tell anyone. I mean absolutely nobody hears about a single piece of it. Danse was wrong to tell you in the first place. He should have discussed it with me. As for a good start, shut the fuck up is a good start. _Let's just go over these fucking blueprints so I don't kill someone today_ is a good start." I walked through the river back to the bank where Garvey was. He looked a little hurt, but bit his tongue. I immediately felt bad for snapping at him, but today has gone from bad to worse and it's barely noon. I'd worry about it later.

* * *

  
Bad to worse didn't even cover it. Garvey and I discovered quite a few flaws in my blueprints and it took the better part of an hour to fix them all. We had decided it was best to start on rebuilding the purifier to an industrial size for the showers, alongside building a second one to prepare for future settlers. With a backup purifier, if one failed, the other would still function.

But while doing that, I had electrocuted myself no less than three times and burned my arms and hands no less than six times. We moved onto building the foundations of the washroom and I had so many splinters and gashes in my hands I had to stop and see Sturges twice for stitches. With waterlogged boots, trudging around in a river, I'd tripped, slipped, and fallen more times than I remember.  
My whole body was aching and I had a nice big ugly bruise on my cheek halfway through the day. Mama Murphy rang the lunch bell, and Marcy came up to me and gripped my arm before I even had a chance to sit down.  
"You better keep your mouth shut about this place. You've already brought that Brotherhood of Steel _reject_ here, and that's put us in enough danger. We got a good thing going here and I don't want the whole damn Commonwealth to know about it. We've had enough collateral damage just _getting here_."  
Something snapped in me, and Danse stiffened in his seat. I shoved Marcy into a corner, lacking the functionality of my left arm to restrain her, Homewrecker in my right hand, it's barrel drifting through the air to lazily rest against her cheek. Marcy's eyes went wide with fear, and I could see Jun in the corner of my eye drop to his knees, quietly begging for me not to kill her.  
"See this? This here's my gun. She's a combat shotgun that can blow a super mutant's head off in a single round. I call her Homewrecker. Wanna know why? Because she _fucking ruins lives_. I mean Homewrecker completely eradicates any trace of them. Lives like broken, dirty mercenaries that took you away from me. Or people who like casually insulting everything I care about. And especially like every motherfucker that disrespects my wife, dead or otherwise."  
I could see Danse move to stand, walking slowly and cautiously over to me. Danse gripped Homewrecker solidly and pulled it away from Marcy's head first, and then loosened my grip and took it. I heard Jun break into trembling sobs, and Danse's solid boot steps, his hand tight around my arm. I couldn't see, though. I couldn't see where we were going, and I could swear I smelled the sterility of the Institute creeping up and burning my nose. My whole world was spinning and all I could feel was white hot pulsing anger. I felt Homewrecker burning in my hand, but when I went to grip it, I realised it wasn't there and started to panic. How the hell am I supposed to fight the Institute without my gun?  
I heard a door close, and looked around. I kept seeing Shaun's stupid fucking green jumper and white lab coat. Everything was bright white surrounded by a static, like the kind when you push against your eyes, and the sterile smell was burning my nose. I heard Shaun's voice repeating in my head, over and over again - ' _It seems her death was an unfortunate bit of collateral damage_.' Why was he here? What the fuck is happening?  
Danse's voice tore through the emotionless void of Shaun's voice. "Vincent. Vincent you're safe, it's alright, you're with me in Sanctuary. I'm right here. You're safe. Is it alright if I touch you?" I couldn't bring myself to speak, and nodded, feeling my nostrils flaring every time I exhaled. It occurred to me I was hyperventilating. I don't remember Danse being in the Institute. _Why was he here?_   
Danse gripped my hands and rubbed the back of them, giving them light pats. I could hear someone mumbling, and then realised it was me. I had no idea how long I'd been saying it - " _Was that all she fucking meant to you?_ "- but I couldn't stop. Every time I repeated myself I sounded more and more broken. Shaun just gauged me coldly and now all I could hear was ' _I forgot that it's been such a short time for you._ ' No amount of time would make this any better. My son, pissing on my wife's memory. How dare he?  
Danse let go of my hands and began rubbing against my thighs and my shoulders. My voice caught in my throat the moment I heard him speak, breaking the chain of broken sobs. "Look at me Vincent. You're safe. You're fine. Nothing is going to hurt you. We're in Sanctuary. Everything is alright." Danse just kept saying that, and the repetition eventually drowned out Shaun's voice. It was getting hard to breathe. I blinked back tears and startled myself. How long had I been crying?

I cried out in alarm as a pulse of blinding white flooded my vision again. Shaun's voice got louder, repeating the same thing again. ' _An unfortunate bit of collateral damage._ '  
"Vincent, is it alright if I put something in your mouth? Do you trust me to do that? Vincent, you're safe, but do you trust me?" I nodded again, and felt something round being pushed through my teeth. I bit down automatically, and the sweetness of the bubblegum overwrote the sterile Institute smell almost immediately. I felt like spitting it out, acid bubbling in my throat, but Danse put a hand over my mouth. "Keep chewing. Trust me, it's alright. You're safe. You're in Sanctuary and I'm here for you."  
I leaned forward, feeling like I was going to throw up. Danse rose to embrace me and held me tightly against his chest, rubbing my back. His warmth shocked me. All I could smell now was bubblegum and power armor oil, a smell so uniquely Danse. I opened my eyes and the static washed away in the darkness of the cabin, relinquishing it's hold on my vision. I blinked a few times to adjust my eyes and I could see Danse's chest, and the plaid shirt he put on this morning. I could barely breathe, and I had no idea when I'd arrived in the cabin. Wasn't I just in the Institute?  
" _Danse?_ "  
"Yes, exactly. It's Danse. I'm right here, I'm here for you. You're safe, Vincent. We're in Sanctuary. You're safe here."  
"When-when did I get here? Danse, what's going on? Where's Shaun?"  
"He's gone. You're safe. It's over. It's all over, now. You're here with me in Sanctuary. Don't worry about anything else, Vincent. Just breathe with me, okay?" Danse leaned back so I could see his face and took a deep, animated breath in, and let it out. I gripped my hand against my chest, feeling my heart pounding against my ribs. I felt like I was drowning.  
" _Breathe with me_. Come on, Vincent, you're safe. I promise. Just breathe with me." He did it again, and I followed him. I could feel my heart beginning to calm down the more we breathed together, and my whole body began to feel weak. My knees gave out and Danse caught me in his arms. He sat on the bed and we continued to just breathe. The day came rushing back to me after a few minutes. _Reality_ came rushing back.  
"Danse what the hell just happened to me? I was heading towards lunch, and Marcy had stopped me, and-and then I was in the Institute with Shaun, and he was-" I could feel the bubblegum catch on my tongue and I almost choked on it. I spat it into a bucket by the door.  
"Shh, soldier. Just relax. I promise you're alright. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It doesn't matter. I know you feel confused, and you're afraid, and that's okay. Don't worry about Marcy."  
"How the hell did you know what to do? What the hell is this? Damn it, Danse, I need to know what's going on. I know where I am and I know this is a safe place."  
Danse sighed and pulled me into another tight embrace. "Good. That was a bad one. I was really worried about you."  
"A bad what, Danse?"  
"Flashback. You were having a flashback. I was stupid not to notice the early warning signs - like talking in your sleep, or startling so badly at seemingly random objects. Marcy managed to trigger you into a full-on flashback."  
"A-a flashback? Why the fuck was I having a flashback? I don't..."  
"I'm surprised you don't know about it. It's a pre-war condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD."  
"I-I know what PTSD is. I don't have PTSD, Danse. The Navy was awful, it really was, but for some reason, I never developed anything serious from it. Not as far as my therapist could say. Nothing like flashbacks, anyway. Just night terrors and maybe some anxiety."  
"It's not the Navy that caused it." The Institute came flooding to the forefront of my mind, as well as the days that followed it. Screaming, kicking, punching Danse in the jaw - Danse spending three nearly sleepless nights beside me making sure I didn't choke on my own _tongue_ in shock. Shaun's cold, lifeless demeanor.

A shiver ran down my spine and I almost threw up. Oh. "Fuck. Fuck, Danse, I don't need this right now. I have way too much shit to do."  
"No, but you're going to need to do some more work on your finalised blueprints for the settlement. We need to redesign our place."  
"I thought you liked how I'd designed it. Plenty of windows below and a nice spacious upper floor with comic book racks and a jukebox, and a garage and-wait, what the fuck does this have to do with what just happened?"  
"You're just going to have to trust me. You aren't the first soldier with PTSD I've had to help cope."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe a slightly better smut scene? They did the diddly properly now at least. What do you even call that cock bulge? It's 110% possible, I've seen it happen. Hm. I'd like to tag it. I know that's a fetish. Does anyone know what that's called specifically?  
> Anyway, oh, man, do I hope this is okay. I did a ton of research on PTSD before I wrote the flashback scene.  
> Marcy's a bitch.


	11. Resilience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me a while to update. The good news is, this is the last official chapter for Vincent and Danse's complete story! Any new chapters added will be extra content set three years in advance from this point. The next chapter will preface with that, when it's submitted.

It had been three months almost to the day since I'd had the flashback. I hadn't had any more, but Danse and I still had our fair share of problems. Marcy was actively avoiding me, Preston seemed a little distant (Danse assured me he'd come around soon but I wasn't so sure), and we were running out of building supplies; that meant a trip into the Commonwealth and potential Brotherhood patrol territory. And that wasn't even the worst of it.  
My arm hadn't improved a smidge since I'd left the Prydwen. Not the slightest bit of feeling in it, elbow down. Danse had taken to physically marking progress with a pen, and the mark had stayed in the same place for three fucking months. I was due for a trip to the Prydwen, which meant leaving Danse and the safety of our home in Sanctuary. It meant possibly facing another flashback, and possibly hurting someone.  
Danse and I had many discussions over informing my Brotherhood superiors of my recently discovered condition. I vehemently refused. The last thing I wanted was to be seen as mentally unstable for duty if I was needed by Maxson; especially on top of my physical injury. I would be totally useless in Maxson's eyes. Danse insisted it was important for them to know in case of any emergency, and cited several soldiers, Knights, that were PTSD patients and functioned optimally aboard the Prydwen. I reminded him they were aboard the Prydwen  for a reason. They needed to be away from action so they didn't hurt anyone - away from any triggers. They needed a safe place like I had here.  
Our house was just like my blueprints, only it had an additional third floor Danse added. He'd asked me everything that made me feel safe, and told me that was all the input he'd needed. I wasn't even allowed to see it until him and Preston had finished. I was more than stunned when I walked in the first time. There was a staircase leading inside with a solid steel trap door, locked only from inside the room. The whole room was padded with rugs, curtains, blankets and pillows, and provided a lot of material to fight anxiety and my PTSD - from bubblegum to comic books, a Nuka-Cola machine, and a still-working radio with better reception than my Pip-Boy.  
Due to the lack of full-on flashbacks, the room was mostly used as a study, or just a place to relax. I didn't often feel afraid, and very few things in the Commonwealth are even remotely like the sterile, whitewashed walls of the Institute - leaving a very remote chance for a trigger. At times I would become skittish, but everyone has been particularly understanding.  
Danse groaned underneath me and stretched, waking up slowly from his nap. Danse hasn't taken kindly to any attempts to coax him from his Brotherhood routine, but he's accepted morning stretches and afternoon naps when the day is slow. I pressed a chaste kiss to his lips and he threw an arm around me. The sun cast dim streams of light through the holes in the drapes, and the day was a serene quiet; all I could hear was the quiet rapping of Sturges' hammer on the other side of Sanctuary, and Danse's slow breathing as he came to.  
Danse's voice was filled with sleep still, quiet and groggy. "I was thinking you could call the Vertibird to the Ranger Cabin southwest of here. It's still close to Sanctuary, but far enough so that they don't-"  
"Do we have to argue about this again? Nothing is going to happen if I wait a little longer until we get some more things built in Sanctuary. If I go now, he may need to perform surgery, and I just recovered from last time. I can't build a damn thing if I'm giggling uncontrollably, drugged up in a hospital bed."  
"It's important. There may even be an underlying issue we won't be aware of until it seriously hurts you -and then what? I can't carry you to Knight-Captain Cade myself. They'll shoot us both down before I can even get close."  
"An underlying issue like what, a complete lack of feeling in my arm? It can't get much worse than it is, Danse, and where it's at now is stable."  
"We don't know that. Knight-Captain Cade will." I slipped off his chest and stood up, the sunlight through the drapes suddenly too bright, the room too warm. "I'm not going to argue for the hundredth time about this Danse. Especially not here." Danse sighed and stood up after me, following me downstairs and out of the house. "When do you plan to go, then? Tomorrow?"  
"No, more like three weeks from now, maybe. We'll probably have the main barracks done by then and I might feel safe leaving control of Sanctuary to Preston."  
"Preston was in charge this entire time without either of us here to help, and Sanctuary wasn't in ruins when you returned after-...after Sentinel Site Prescott. What makes this time any different?"  
"I'm so sick of arguing about this. Why is it that big of a deal to you Danse?"  
Danse's voice turned sharp and loud. "Because I care about you, Vincent! And I won't stand for you refusing to take care of yourself. You're going to see Knight-Captain Cade if I have to drag you to the Ranger Cabin and throw you into the Vertibird myself."  
I stood staring in shock at Danse, feeling like the biggest idiot. "I-...I'm sorry, Danse. No, you're right. I should go."  
"Don't just tell me what I want to hear."  
"No, seriously. You're right, sir. I'm going straight to Knight-Captain Cade and getting my arm checked out. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." Danse reeled his head back and looked at me as though I'd grown another head. "Why would you-"  
"It's another pre-war saying. Forget it. It's not literal. Lemme grab some more shells and tell Preston I'm leaving for...some amount of time or other. I'll try to see if I can't get Haylen to shoot you an update on the terminal here and there if I'm going to be a while."

* * *

  
The Vertibird picked me up about a half an hour after I'd thrown the signal grenade and airlifted me to the Prydwen. It felt weird being back, but even after everything that's happened, the neatly polished deck and constant dull thrum of engines still sounded soothing. I missed the thrum of a car engine.  
 I went immediately to Elder Maxson on the Command Deck to report my arrival, finding him instead in his room, sans the whiskey this time. I knocked softly on the door to catch his attention, and he looked surprised to see me, in his own stoic way. "Sentinel. You're back."  
"Don't get up too fast, Maxson. You might pull something."  
Elder Maxson laughed. He fucking laughed. What the hell? Am I in the Twilight Zone? "Yes, well. You were missed on the Prydwen, jests and all. I believe Ingram requested you be searched for no less than three times, and Teagan insisted we send a supply drop to your last known location. You were gone for three months without word and some had feared the worst."  
"And you?"  
"I figured if you were dead, Danse would have sent me your holotags already. That, and if I ever would have assumed you couldn't handle three months on your own with plenty of supplies and backup should you ever require it, I wouldn't have named you Sentinel."  
"Fair point. And he would have, but given his current status, and mine, I'm hardly going to go wandering alone into a super mutant hive. That's nice of Teagan, though. I could use some potato crisps and shotgun shells. I practically live on them now."  
"I can tell."  
"Wha-what's that supposed to mean? Was that a joke? Who are you and what have you done with Elder Maxson?" Maxson shot me a glare, rising to a stand, getting into his lecture voice, droning on about how synth replacements in the upper eschelons of the Brotherhood are absolutely not to be joked about. I let him finish his speech out of respect, and not a little bit for the scribes peering outside the door. The rumors will be glorious.  
"Well, it's pretty fucking obvious you're still Elder Maxson, if you'll excuse my French, sir. Anyway, is Knight-Captain Cade still accepting late calls? My arm's still as useful as a mutfruit against a Deathclaw." Maxson snapped his head towards me. "Your arm hasn't improved at all? Why didn't you return to the Prydwen for medical examination earlier than this?"  
I held in an exasperated sigh. "Good question. Unfortunately, not one I have a satisfying answer for."  
"Report to Knight-Captain Cade immediately, then, Soldier. Dismissed." I saluted Maxson, turned, and left to Cade's office. The sterile smell made my heart jump into my throat, and my limbs froze in the doorway. I had to force myself in by reminding myself of all the things that are absolutely not like the Institute, and ignoring everything that was alike.

* * *

  
It was two hours of testing and three tissue samples before Cade really knew anything. He was clearly concerned, and it wasn't doing much good for the state of my mental health. I started to think of the final battle. When I'd pictured myself coming home to Danse as a folded flag. I needed a distraction, fast.  
"Give it to me straight, Doc, how bad is it? Is it dysentery?"  
"Don't be ridiculous, it's not-" Knight-Captain Cade realised my jest, sighed, and glowered at me. "This isn't looking good. Your arm has been draining blood into it's tissues for quite a while now, which is why it's turned purple - and your fingers are starting to become necrotic. See the blackness at the tips? That's not a good sign. The tissue is dying away. Your body has given up on repairing the damaged cells and has since succumbed to infection."  
"So what are you saying, we need a necromancer? Can we revive my nana while we're at it? She made the meanest gumbo, let me tell you."  
"I'm saying we need to amputate before the necrotic tissue infects your bloodstream and kills you." Everything froze. Amputate? Kills me?  
Folded flag.  
"Are you saying we can't save my arm? It will never move again? I'm losing my fucking arm? Before it kills me? What's the chance I get through the surgery without fucking dying?"  
"Relax. I've done this before. Yes, you're losing your arm. I just need to know if you want me to take it off above the elbow, which will give you some small functionality if you manage a prosthetic, or at the shoulder, which will get it out of your way."  
"Back up a minute - I'm still stuck on 'amputate' and 'potential death'. We need to amputate? There's no possible way to save my arm? "  
"There's nothing I can do to save it. I seriously doubt at this point, even a pre-war doctor could save your entire arm. But we need to act quickly. Elbow or shoulder?"  
"I-what? Fuck. Can I talk to Scribe Haylen about this? Is she on board or still at The Edge?"  
"Luckily, yes. She came back from the Glowing Sea about a month ago. Initiate Johnson! Fetch Scribe Haylen immediately and with all possible haste." The Initiate scrambled and sprinted down the hallway while Cade prepped me for surgery. Luckily Sanctuary was on rations, and I hadn't eaten or drank anything in 12 hours, or we would have had to push the surgery back. He picked up a surgical tray and began gathering tools. My stomach flipped when I saw the bone saw. Fuck, shit, fuck - a fucking bone saw. This is actually happening.  
Haylen turned up shortly, a little out of breath.  
"What's this about amputating? Oh, my god. Sentinel your arm looks really bad. Is that why they're-...?" Haylen looked like she was going to be sick as she poked my arm. It had been out of the sling for the first time in three months, and the blood had begun pooling at my hand, making it swell. It was an almost flourescent black and purple, and the sight made me vomit in my mouth.  
Haylen covered her mouth. "Ohh, Don't make me sympathy puke, Sentinel. I will be so mad at you. What did you need me for?"  
"Elbow or shouler."  
"What?"  
I explained the question the way Cade had. She looked horrified. "Why do you want me to choose!?"  
"I don't know what Danse would want."  
Haylen stopped and put a hand on my good shoulder. "Why does it matter what Danse would want? He's-...dead, and besides, he was just your superior, Vincent, I don't think he would care which one you choose-"  
"It just matters, okay?" She looked shocked for a minute, then sighed. "I suppose I understand. He was your mentor, and everything. I-I don't know. Think like Danse." She pushed out her chest, widened her stance, and spoke imitating Danse's tone and inflection. "I think the amputated limb might get in your way during battles, but a prosthetic could potentially increase tactical efficiency. Like adding a flamethrower."  
Despite the situation, I laughed. "No, you're right. Thanks, Haylen. A flamethrower sounds pretty sweet. Do-...Do you mind staying until I'm out?"  
"Of course, Sentinel. If Knight-Captain Cade doesn't mind, I think I'll even help with the surgery. I do have medical training after all." Haylen smiled and held my good hand. Cade laid me down on my right side and stuck my IV bag with a needle.

* * *

  
I felt dry-mouthed and miserable. Depressed, sullen, sulky, grey clouds and rain everywhere. Ugh. My whole body felt simultaneously numb and heavy as lead, and when I tried to speak I rasped, wheezed, and coughed. "Haylen, can you give me some water please?" Cade checked my eyes with a flashlight and put his fingers on my neck, counting out my heart rate. Haylen came over with a bottle of purified water and a straw. "Thanks."  
I took a sip, rinsed, and spat. My whole mouth tasted like I'd just licked a molerat's asshole. "Fuck, Doc, I really don't know what you put in there but I just wanna get this over with."  
"Don't worry about it, you're confused. It's over with already. You've been through the surgery." I looked over at my left arm, and the elbow and everything below it was gone. My arm just...ended, wrapped in bandages. I felt a pang in my heart as though I'd just lost another family member. It was a ridiculous feeling - it was a part of my body, not my grandmother. But I still felt...a little emptier than before. "I'm rather proud of how I stitched that one together. It should heal quite nicely, without any ragged edges of skin or infection."  
"Is that common in your practices Doc?"  
"It is in Wasteland surgery. Maybe not in pre-war surgery, but I don't exactly have an entire facility with a full faculty, do I? Anyway, as soon as you can stand, you're clear to leave. Be absolutely sure to change those bandages often and gently, and don't do anything to jostle that arm. You'll need to stay on the Prydwen the first week, for sterility and avoiding infection, and after that, come back to me weekly for checkups. I mean that. Weekly. Not monthly, or bi-weekly, or when it suits you. "  
" _Great_."

* * *

  
The week on the Prydwen wasn't awful. I was mostly entertaining the mess hall with pre-war jokes, bribing the squires into playing pranks on Quinlan, hanging out with Haylen on her bunk reading old war manuals, and drinking heavily with Maxson in his quarters. In complete confidence of course. We didn't talk about Danse, but we did talk an awful lot about the Minutemen and Preston.  
I expected people to stare, but nobody did. I actually met a squire without the use of his right arm. He'd had to relearn how to write, shoot, and even use a spoon. I learned more from that kid than I ever had from a year of college.  
When I got back home to Sanctuary...that's when I got the stares. I had to remind myself, despite the hostile conditions, more often than not an injury like mine meant death, not amputation. These weren't soldiers, they were wastelanders, and they didn't get medical attention beyond a haircut and a stimpak. The stares still set me on edge, though, and I heard one of the newer settlers mumbling to another about how much good a one-armed Sentinel would be to the Brotherhood of Steel.  
Danse was busy in the river working on repairing the water purifier, and I insisted Preston not immediately run to get him. I needed some time alone, first.  
I stripped myself of my combat armor and sunk into the broken, filthy sofa with a Cherry nuka-cola spiked with rum. My favourite, post-war. Dogmeat made himself comfortable across my legs and abdomen, and with a blanket draped over my chest, I'd almost fallen asleep when Danse opened the front door and clunked in, a little wet and a little irradiated. "You're back? Why didn't you tell me?" It occurred to me the arm -or lack thereof- was obscured by the blanket. Good, I still had time to break the news.  
"I'm okay, Danse. I can hear the settlers doubting me and I don't want to fucking deal with it right now, that's all - and I guess I needed some time to detox from human contact. Ugh." Danse smiled, laughing as he stripped himself of his wet clothes and slipped into his black officer's uniform. "It's a good thing I'm not human, then."  
"Danse, I realise you mean that in good humor, but...just, not right now, pal." I studied Danse's face, his beard, his deep set eyes, and his hair, fluffy and well kept despite everything. He stood a ways away from me, concern growing across his features. "What did Cade say?" He spoke quietly, probingly, but giving me the space to say 'no, I don't want to do this right now.'  
"I, uh...Well, you were right about going as soon as possible. I'm sorry I argued with you for so long about it." We both stayed quiet while I tried to come up with some way to break the news.  
"I'm trying to come up with a joke about amputees, but I uh...I'm stumped." I managed a forced grin. I felt tears sting the sides of my eyes.  
Danse stood there, confused at first as he digested the joke, and then immediately concerned. He crossed the room in two strides and gently pulled off the blanket. His eyes widened in shock, and his face was almost unreadable - I mean there was fear there, but was it out of disgust? Concern? Pity?  
Dogmeat nosed the bandaged end of what was left, and gave it a little lick of encouragement. Tense silence filled the room. Danse opened and closed his mouth, desperately trying to find something to say.  
"If you don't mind, I'm gonna take up the sofa a while longer, 'cause it does hurt to move this thing too much, but I'd love if you pulled up a chair and - I don't know. Let's talk about your day, or something. Is that alright?"  
Danse pulled an armchair closer and sunk into it.  
Silence, for another few minutes, and then he spoke softly. "Are you alright?"  
My eyes betrayed me, and I felt tears start to fall. God damn it.  
"I-I don't know, Danse. No. Actually, no. Absolutely not. I feel like I walked into the Commonwealth a strong man fighting hard to reach his goals, but now? I'm weak. I've degraded as a soldier, and as a person. I have...fucking PTSD, and I'm officially an amputee, and there's an entire level of my house dedicated to a safe zone where I can just cower away like a child. I don't think I am okay at all."  
"It's beautiful." Danse's voice had an edge to it, like when he's angry, but trying not to shout.  
"What is?"  
"Your arm. It's beautiful. It's a symbol of what you've been through - what you'll do for your family, pre-war and post-war. I know for a fact that you'll never let yourself degrade into anything less than your very best, because that arm - that amputation proves for a fact that you're willing to go as far as necessary to do what's right, and nothing will stop you. It's the sacrifice you made. You gave this up for the Brotherhood and to make the Commonwealth a safer place to live for everyone. Not just the priveliged few. This is the sacrifice you made for us. For me, for Elder Maxson, our brothers and sisters, and everyone in this settlement and beyond. This is a symbol of your strength, and it's beautiful. Don't you ever think otherwise, soldier."  
I couldn't speak through my tears, so the room was filled with silence and sniffling. It was a quiet few minutes before either of us spoke.  
"Hey...Danse?"  
"What is it, soldier?"  
"How do you feel about flamethrowers...?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed that. I absolutely adore any and all comments and encouragement; I often keep the notification e-mails in my inbox for a while, just because they make me smile so much. And for the record, I really do think amputations are beautiful, and if you have PTSD - you're just as useful as everyone else, just braver and stronger. Thanks for reading, and Ad Victoriam!


End file.
